Bit out of order?

[parentfodder]

We have arranged to go see pil on Father's Day. We live an hour away.

Sil messaged to say she is planning to take pil out for a meal on Father's Day so let her know if we want to come. So basically we either go out for a meal or leave when they do?

Given pil had already arranged to see us I feel they shouldn't have accepted sils offer as they had plans. We will get there 11ish and I think they will do a late lunch so 2/3ish. We had intended to stay until 4ish.

Too late??? You've said the meal is booked for 2-3pm??? Finished by 4-5pm and hour drive home so back for 6 latest?

I feel like you're just finding problems here... It's a one-off, special day for FIL and 6-7pm isn't late to be getting kids ready for school the next day, no matter how old they are.

@Starlight1979 that was in response to someone who suggested we visit after the meal instead of before. So instead of going to fils at 11am go at 5pm

@Roundroundthegarden just a quick note the running theme of this thread is that I should be more flexible to plans changing but you feel sil shouldn't have to change her plans? Plans she made after we made ours?

"We work weekends"

What both of you? All weekend? Friday night through to Monday morning? Rubbish.

But from your other posts it appears that neither you or your DH can do anything by yourselves and it has to be an entire family event (including the dogs) so I'm assuming even if you're working and DH isn't, he won't go and visit them until you can all go together...

But yours monopolised almost the whole day and meant that MIL and FIL had to provide lunch for five extra people, so seven in total. I don't think your plans were very thoughtful.

This. And your sil plans are inclusive of everyone

Yours took the bulk out of the day. Sunday afternoon is too late for you to do anything so why would anyone else?
And besides, it's her father.

Yes I think the issue shouldn’t be about a power tussle between you and your SIL but about what your PIL would enjoy most.

But in fact yes if you’re the one with 2 dogs and 3 kids who categorically can’t go for lunch (which is hardly an “out there” activity for Father’s Day) anywhere at all then yes I think on this occasion you should be the one to be flexible. If your SIL was doing this every weekend I’d agree but it sounds like you’ll be able to go back to the normal activity as soon as you want to.

TBH it does still sound like you’re just annoyed that she’s suggested something different when in fact there are loads of ways that you can do the day with both activities.

@Maddy70 sils plans are not inclusive of my children

SIL's plan is the better one for your PIL. Lunch out, instead of staying in and catering for you. So yes, you should change yours.

Well to be fair as it's Fathers Day, it's up to you FIL to decide what he wants to do. Nobody else.

How selfish of her! To be thinking of her Dad on Fathers Day and not your children!!! 🙄

But they are inclusive of her DF, who is the "main man" of the day, so for that day your children do not come 1st. They'll still see their grandad for 2.5 hours rather than 5.

It’s your husband’s father’s day too. What’s his preference for the whole thing?

None of my business but who’s looking after your 3 kids while you’re both working every weekend?

@Starlight1979 weekends as in Saturday Sunday. We work shifts so yes dh might finish at 2pm and I start at 4pm but that's not long enough to visit. Dh could go with kids alone but would get there 4ish and our kids bed routine starts at 6 so not really worth it so we tend to wait till we get a weekend off and spend day with them

No it's not out of order of course they can't turn one of their kids away on fathers day and it's out of order to expect them to.

Go for dinner, I really don't see the issue, if you can't afford it then yes just leave early

I don't even have the words anymore.

Your life sounds so incredibly rigid and all centered around the routines you have in place without consideration for anyone else. I'm sure - SEN or not - the kids "bedtime routine" could start 30-60 mins later one Saturday so your DH could take them to see Grandma and Grandad...

Not at all out of order. Work around it or accept the invite. Very simple!

But Pil had a prior commitment with a time frame. So SIL has moved that around/the PIL have.

if she wanted to do lunch she should have gotten in there first - you snooze you lose!

Yes so, so far, we have

Only 1 car to be used
Whole family to attend
Must be dog friendly
Must be SEN inclusive
Only once a month
No restaurants, even those with gardens and child friendly
Must be longer than 1-2 hours
Everyone must be home by 6pm latest

I’m not saying this to be mean but is it really reasonable/ realistic to have all of these requirements especially on a day that should be more focused on your FIL? I can think of basically nothing I’d want to do on Mother’s Day which could fit within these parameters.

This.

people are just arguing with you for the sake of it.

a plan was in place and it’s not ok to ride roughshod over that. It’s rude.

They are. They can go with him for lunch or see him earlier before they go. You are bot cinaiderinf the dad here. He should be trèated. Ans not have children and dogs to consider or food to prepare

@Quittingwifework but the day is Father's Day, so of course it's different to a normal visit. OP has made it clear that she does this as a normal visit. Great, but DD wanting to take her father out for a treat on FD and them not have him cater for 5 extra people and 2 dogs is actually treating him to a special day, for him.

Which is what's needed on FD.

@Maddy70

If some of the people can not attend because of a disability it's not inclusive

It's a small quibble but our plans were inclusive for everyone. Sils plan means our children and by proxy us can't attend.

Including and inclusive are not the same.

But Father’s Day is about spending time with your children? He was obviously fine with the plan, until he got a better offer, so cut the agreed plan short?

I am not suggesting SIL doesn’t take him out, im suggesting that she do it around the pre-existing plans. And I think OP should take some nice food etc round anyways but she can’t change her children and not being able to go out.