Bit out of order?

[parentfodder]

We have arranged to go see pil on Father's Day. We live an hour away.

Sil messaged to say she is planning to take pil out for a meal on Father's Day so let her know if we want to come. So basically we either go out for a meal or leave when they do?

Given pil had already arranged to see us I feel they shouldn't have accepted sils offer as they had plans. We will get there 11ish and I think they will do a late lunch so 2/3ish. We had intended to stay until 4ish.

If the weather is nice Op could you all go for a picnic? that might suit all of you.

But your plans required your pil to put in all the work. That isn't fair really. I wonder if your sil is maybe aware that they weren't really keen to cater and host?

I think your sil has made a perfectly normal, perfectly sensible suggestion, and you feel like it is some sort of test to see who's the preferred side of the family, when it probably isn't.

Dividing the day as a few hours with your dc and a few hours doing something enjoyable for your fil seems perfectly fair really.

He is not worried about you op! He is busy looking after his own needs and drinking all night.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to improve unless you start putting yourself first. You are last on the list which is why your self esteem is plummeting and your mental health is all over the place. You are still just thinking of him, and his needs even now.

I challenge you to spend the next two months looking after yourself - starting this weekend. It will transform your life, I promise you.

💪🏻

Just to be clear the plan is some bacon and sausage sarnies at 11. That's still happening followed by a walk. The only difference is we are leaving around 130 instead of 4. The sandwiches everyone is so focused on would be happening wether we attend the lunch or not

Which explains why they want to do something special. Tbh I resent that we didn't go out for food with my Mum because my sister just wanted to visit, without effort. You are acting like you are doing them a favour by visiting on Father's Day, which is supposed to be about your FIL. It isn't who gets in first.

So you have lunch at 1- m, then don't eat until 6?

Does that not cause issues for you all?

@Quittingwifework exactly right is about seeing his children, which he has now arranged!

Perfect!

@Blarneytalk

The original plan was to go back to pils after walk have tea (drink) and there would be snacks available - nibbles / cakes that ourselves and sil would have brought. we would have dinner at home at 1730. Obviously now we will skip that part and kids will probably have a snack when we get home

But tbh if we have a brunch we don't normally have lunch too? Just maybe a snack to tide us over.

Has your husband actually spoken about this with your sister in law? I can understand that your kids can't do restaurants, one of mine is the same. It's not fun when someone plans a meet up and I have to be that person being awkward again.

It just sounds maybe like offence has been taken without seeing if there is compromise? Can you go earlier, or take some posh M&S lunch for all, or go for the dog walk while they lunch and see them either side, or see if they can just as easily go out for dinner instead?

Still no thought to your in-laws, huh?

@LordSnot that conversation is nothing to do with in-laws and wether they want to go out for a meal . I've said multiple times I appreciate the meal is a better offer hence why we are cutting short our visit. Of course I want fil to have a lovely Father's Day.

The poster said sil was being inclusive which is incorrect. So I corrected the poster. Then when they still failed to understand I explained inclusivity.

It's very common for for NT people to misunderstand unfortunately

Well the issue is sils arranged this, told pil then told us. You have hit the nail on the head, we don't want to be the awkward ones. Also we don't want to take the kids to an unknown venue and risk meltdowns which would spoil things for sil and pil. It's just easier to not go tbh. I just thought it was a bit off of sil to arrange it knowing we were coming. But it is a treat for mil and fil so it's understandable they want to go

What does fil want? Does he want to stay at home all day with the 5 in your family, plus your 2 dogs and his dogs and sil and her family and be the lunch provider, or would he prefer to be taken for lunch?

Tbh I think he's happy whatever. So he's getting time with everyone.

Just go!

Well, that's the main thing. That FiL is happy. You seem to have missed that point throughout the entire thread.

@skippy67 you mean in the repeated times I've said I can see it's nicer for them to have a meal. And that we will be leaving early and that they are going for the meal?

I can understood the difficulties of going out for lunch with SEN child and dogs. However can't you ever leave the dog alone for a couple of hours?
It seems like you planned to go there and just sit around while they made you lunch, which doesn't sound like a treat for FIL. Lunch does sound like a much nicer idea to be honest and more of a treat for FIL.

Tbf the dogs were less of an issue than the kids . But the visit was late breakfast followed by a long walk with everyone's dogs then back to fils for a hot drink.
Doing that we would be gone 10-5 I wouldn't leave my dogs that long no. If the meal wasn't an issue we could have skipped the walk and met them for the meal and been gone 3-4 hours. That would be fine.

The brunch thing pil do every Sunday (unless they are away) it's their routine and sil and bil go every week, we go when we visit. They love it, we all enjoy it. We always offer to take food /contribute and I always wash up. The making is a communal thing between the six adults. Tbh I don't think they would want to skip it. So even if we weren't going until later they would still do it with sil and bil.

But I agree the meal out is a nice treat for pil.

They work on the weekend and only have one weekend off each month.

No, I mean in the repeated times you keep alluding to you and your family being bounced in favour of SiL's ( much nicer plan). Despite multiple posts not agreeing with you, you're obviously still feeling aggrieved and making it all about you, rather than your FiL.

Well at least she invited you. Suck it up and go for the meal

Who looks after your kids and dogs when you are both working 3 weekends in 4? Could they not look after the dogs? Something doesn't add up here. Your PIL and SIL all know about your children SEN/ dogs and restaurants but still suggested the meal anyway? Odd!!