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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bit out of order?

221 replies

parentfodder · 12/06/2024 08:47

We have arranged to go see pil on Father's Day. We live an hour away.

Sil messaged to say she is planning to take pil out for a meal on Father's Day so let her know if we want to come. So basically we either go out for a meal or leave when they do?

Given pil had already arranged to see us I feel they shouldn't have accepted sils offer as they had plans. We will get there 11ish and I think they will do a late lunch so 2/3ish. We had intended to stay until 4ish.

OP posts:
Original poster
parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:47

I get it's nicer for pil you're all right.

I don't think it's going to work for us with Sen kids and dogs but I appreciate that's not sils or pils problem. We will just leave earlier than planned.

I guess I feel irked that sil sees them every day whereas we see them roughly every month due to work and family stuff but I appreciate it's her day with her dad too

OP posts:
NotARealWookiie · 12/06/2024 09:48

If your DH and his sister and father are fine with it then I can’t see the problem. Going out for lunch is a nice thing. Enjoy it and don’t create drama where there is none.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/06/2024 09:48

Are you worried about the specifics of eating out? Cost? Food options?

I think most people would offer something a bit more eventy than sandwiches for Father’s Day. If you don’t want to eat out can you suggest taking nice things for lunch for everyone at PILs house?

Original poster
parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/06/2024 09:48

Are you worried about the specifics of eating out? Cost? Food options?

I think most people would offer something a bit more eventy than sandwiches for Father’s Day. If you don’t want to eat out can you suggest taking nice things for lunch for everyone at PILs house?

It's sils present to her father so she will choose

OP posts:
InTheRainOnATrain · 12/06/2024 09:51

parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:47

I get it's nicer for pil you're all right.

I don't think it's going to work for us with Sen kids and dogs but I appreciate that's not sils or pils problem. We will just leave earlier than planned.

I guess I feel irked that sil sees them every day whereas we see them roughly every month due to work and family stuff but I appreciate it's her day with her dad too

Ok that makes sense. Just talk to them! Explain the kids can’t manage a restaurant and ask if you could do lunch at SILs or PILs altogether instead and offer to bring stuff so you’re not actually asking them to cater. It’s a bit shit if they’d prioritise a restaurant meal they could do anytime over having the wider family together so if that’s what they want to do I’d be tempted to rearrange for another time, not drive for an hour there and back and not even stay for lunch.

LoobyDoop2 · 12/06/2024 09:51

Not seeing a problem here. Nobody has left you out, you’ve been included in a perfectly normal and nice plan to go out for lunch.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/06/2024 09:51

You are so rigid! If you don't want to go for lunch with them, just arrange to go after lunch instead, and you can go for a walk with them and spend time then. You only live an hour away - that is nothing.

LostTheMarble · 12/06/2024 09:53

Sounds like your SiL wants to treat her dad for Father’s Day. Whilst you want to treat it like any other visit, including being hosted/fed? Is this a reverse by any chance? Has anyone asked your FiL what he’d like to do with his children for the day, because most parents would love to be taken out for a nice lunch over having kids and dogs and mouths to feed (though any other time I’m sure this is a lovely occasional visit I’m sure).

Original poster
parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:56

@InTheRainOnATrain they know our situation

OP posts:
Original poster
parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:58

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/06/2024 09:51

You are so rigid! If you don't want to go for lunch with them, just arrange to go after lunch instead, and you can go for a walk with them and spend time then. You only live an hour away - that is nothing.

It would be too late after kids have school next day. We will go morning as planned but just stay a couple hours.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 12/06/2024 09:58

If you have children with special needs and you don't want to take them to a restaurant then I think your sister-in-law is being very unfair. She's cutting short your visit. Could you go on Saturday instead?

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2024 09:59

Why can't you all go out for lunch?

maw1681 · 12/06/2024 10:03

Don't really understand the problem? It's your SIL's dad too! They probably just thought it would be nice to see everyone and hopefully get everyone out for lunch together.
You either go a bit earlier or go out for lunch or just stick to your plan and leave when they go out. An hour's drive is nothing!

Nottherealslimshady · 12/06/2024 10:04

Leave the dogs at home and go for lunch.

I do think it's a bit of order to go to somebody's house and expect to be fed when celebrating them. A normal visit that's OK so long as its reciprocated but I wouldn't go to my mums for mothers day and expect her to cook for us. Nor would I expect to be hosted on someone's birthday etc.

Lemonade2011 · 12/06/2024 10:05

I totally get the not wanting to go for lunch with Sen kids, it’s not straightforward or relaxing at all. Could you go on the Saturday instead? My son is very rigid in where he wants to go to eat and how long we stay which is not fun for anyone and it’s not as easy as saying no we will do what grandpa wants if only it was. It’s a shame your day will be cut in half as I can imagine the car journey can be a bit tedious - my son wants to know how long, how long left etc and lots of repeating himself

maw1681 · 12/06/2024 10:08

parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:47

I get it's nicer for pil you're all right.

I don't think it's going to work for us with Sen kids and dogs but I appreciate that's not sils or pils problem. We will just leave earlier than planned.

I guess I feel irked that sil sees them every day whereas we see them roughly every month due to work and family stuff but I appreciate it's her day with her dad too

It's not just a normal day though, it's Father's Day.
Why don't you take some sandwiches/ nice picky food for lunch or some pastries for brunch, and see if they are willing to go out for an early dinner instead about 5pm? Then you get your time and PIL get a meal out.

Blarneytalk · 12/06/2024 10:08

I I think YABU, expecting Father's Day to be an ordinary day where they provide you lunch.

Spirallingdownwards · 12/06/2024 10:11

parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:58

It would be too late after kids have school next day. We will go morning as planned but just stay a couple hours.

Show quote history

Good solution. Crisis averted.

magicstar1 · 12/06/2024 10:12

When she said meal, could she mean dinner? Maybe they wouldn’t be going out until later, and you said you’d be leaving at 4 anyway.

skippy67 · 12/06/2024 10:14

YABU. Sounds like you're just looking for a reason to have a pop at your SiL.

Marblessolveeverything · 12/06/2024 10:21

I may have missed something, your DH? Can he not go to lunch with his father and sister?

Depending on your children's needs can they have lunch in PIL house ( your family pack a picnic lunch)and then you all go for an afternoon walk after the lunches?

I can understand a child wanting to treat her father on the actual father's day.

Frasers · 12/06/2024 10:25

I think you’re being really unreasonable, it is highly immature to be all but we asked first nonsense. They are both his kids.

if you really cannot go out to lunch then leave early. If you can nd you’re just being difficult then just go and stop being petty. The dogs can stay in the house.

footgoldcycle · 12/06/2024 10:27

What a storm in a teacup.

Either go to lunch or say well we were planning on staying till 4, could you maybe take him out for an early dinner instead".

Jazzjazzyjulez · 12/06/2024 10:28

parentfodder · 12/06/2024 09:38

Usually when we visit they cook or provide sandwiches etc but we clean up (regardless of day)

Surely when it is is father's day, it would be nicer for your PIL to not to have to make you lunch and for you to take them for lunch or to bring a takeaway/items? Or as SIL suggests, you could go for lunch with them? Seems like more of a celebration that way - than sandwiches!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/06/2024 10:50

Tbh I think it’s normal to try to elevate a day like Father’s Day as you’ve agreed to meet up with them. You could have offered to take lunch. Much better than expecting them to host as usual. Once SIL suggested lunch you could have said that wouldn’t suit your DC but you’d join them at home afterwards with cake or something for pudding.