Sister asks me to look after her son and I don’t want too

[SpunkyMintZebra]

Im on maternity leave, I have a 4 month old - I also have a 4 year old who goes to pre school.
My nephew is 4 also, on days he doesn’t go to nursery and the dad can’t have him, she asks me to look after him - this day my daughter is at pre school. I don’t want to look after him - my daughter isn’t with me and it feels weird looking after him whilst my daughter is in pre school, and also, I need a break! I have stuff to do in my house and also I need some ‘me’ time whilst I don’t have my daughter also with me. (Whilst baby sleeps I can relax)!
I Would look after him once in a while but she asks me at least every other week so I can’t say yes to her being ‘just this once’ cos she asks me again and again.
Before I was on maternity leave she coped but now she always has to ask me.
Its tough looking after 2 kids as it is and he is very full on and I would find it hard with him and my baby. If my daughter was at home with me it would be different as they would play together.
AIBU for not wanting too?

Even if you said yes, you will be back at work in a few months time and she will have to find another option anyway.

I work 4 set days a week, I am still FT as I do a certain number of nights per year which makes up the hours. On my set day off my kids used to go to nursery. They were happy and settled there, and I got stuff done or rested before night shift. And no way would I have had someone else’s child to take care of.

You've done 3 years. Enough is enough.

@SpunkyMintZebra you are well within your rights to say no to both days. Not your problem!

You obviously don't want to fall out with her about it, so I would ask your sister for a chat and explain nicely that you are finding it too difficult to look after her child when your daughter is at pre school as it's the only time you get a break and bit of free time when your baby is napping. Say something like you've been happy to help up to now, but you can't do it any more as you need some time to yourself as well. I wouldn't lie and say you have something else on, as she will still continue to ask then and you will be forever making up excuses. Just be straight with her in a nice way "I'm really sorry sis but I can't continue to do it" type thing. I am sure she will understand and if she doesn't well then she's a bit selfish.

YANBU - I would just go back and say you can’t, the baby has had you up all night most nights and you are exhausted so looking forward to a day when your DD is at nursery so you can try and rest and catch up on some sleep.

or alternatively say you have plans are are meeting someone at a baby class or something.

She knows she's asking for a lot, she just doesn't care as her needs trump yours and you're not pushing back hard enough for her to sit up and take notice.

Just say you're not doing it anymore except as an occasional favour. Don't try to justify or explain she'll only take whatever you say and find a 'solution' for it.

If she demands an explanation just say its too much, you've tried to make it work, goodness knows you have it your best shot and have it long enough, but it doesn't work, it's too onerous, so you're stopping.

I would put it to her like that. Appeal to her better nature and if she is good with you (as in reasonable) then I would help her out of a hole on occassion.
If she was unreasonable, I would reconaider having him at all. Whilst you are doing her a favour by having him with your daughter, they probably do entertain each other so it is nice. But I would not be her childcare for free if she was rude.
You need time to bond with new baby so she needs to respect that or I would do away with her other day of free childcare.

Say no but be fully prepared for her to say no back in the future if you ever need her help.

Dont agree to it OP. Once in a while for an emergency is different but you can't become her regular child care because once it starts she'll simply take you for granted.

Presumably they both start Reception in September and it is usually a staggered start sometimes over a few weeks. Unless you fancy dealing with that for both your DC and your nephew I'd put your foot down now

Since she’s very rarely ever helped OP it sounds like that won’t be a problem.

Just ctell her you can't, this is the only 1 to 1 time you get with baby. (Or tell her your childminding rates are £15 an hour in advance.)

Just say no, be assertive, you do not have to give reason.

Tell her you can only have him when your daugther is off too. You need the time to decompress

I have a similar situation. I went back to work part time after maternity so I had two days off during the week and I get asked to have my nephew occasionally. It’s frustrating because I’m stuck in my job because it does around my childcare and I’ve sacrifices to make sure we are covered with childcare so don’t want to then be filling it up with other things when I’ve got my own things to be doing.
I would say, that there may be a time when I need a babysitter and there has been in the past (just not as often) so I am torn with keeping the situation sweet 😂

Say no then.

Thanks for your wisdom 😂 as I said there’s an element of maybe I might need help one day and also just general kindness (but not that I think saying no would make me particularly unkind either).

@SpunkyMintZebra - have you had a conversation with your sister yet? If you have, how did it go?

You are using your maternity leave to subsidise her child care.

Shes a total piss taker

So yes I have, it was a mixture of suggestions given but I basically said along the lines of
’I love having (nephew) but I’m just not able too during my maternity leave and when (my daughter) is at pre school, I use these days to bond with (my son) and to rest when he is asleep and to catch up on anything else I need to do, I also go out and meet other mums I have met (this is true!) I know you keep asking me and I have mentioned before this day is not good for me but you keep asking, I know you are desperate sometimes but you managed before when I was at work so you’ll need to continue what you did before to make it work for you.
I am still happy to have (nephew) when (daughter) is off but please do not ask me when she is at pre school, it doesn’t feel right also as she is in childcare and she is there for a reason.’

She just replied saying ‘okay just sometimes I don’t know what to do’

Thing is, I have tried to push back before and she’s said ok but then keeps asking, she never really gets the picture and keeps asking - she does this also wirh parking at mine, I live near the train station and she parks here to avoid paying car park charges when going to work , I live in a small private cul de sac with a car park and I’ve told her before we have issues with parking and it takes up neighbours spaces and we’ve had management letters about it so to not park here but she still does it!
im going to be battling this until I go back to work basically!

She really knows you’re a pushover doesn’t she?

Maybe you have to be really blunt, if she asks again. Don't waste your breath explaining, just say, 'No. I'm not doing it any more. Don't ask again.'
re: parking, can you put your management on to her? Do they threaten fines? If so, hearing that might bring it home to her. Otherwise, again, be blunt: 'Don't park here any more. Have some basic respect for me and my neighbours.'

How have you got this far and when she says helplessly I don’t know what to do, you don’t scream you get childcare that’s what you do you idiot! Stop stealing my mat leave and my time with my baby!! Get childcare!!

She just replied saying ‘okay just sometimes I don’t know what to do’

Just like the rest of us then, except most of us don't keep asking others to pick up the pieces, especially when they're already said no

Thing is, I have tried to push back before and she’s said ok but then keeps asking, she never really gets the picture and keeps asking

Simple answer, with blank stare: "We've already discussed this haven't we?"
She can hardly deny it, and hopefully isn't going to ask what was decided as that would just look stupid
If she does, though, "I don't want to go into this again" should cover it

If she asks again reply "I refer you to my previous response"

OP, she doesn't care, it really is that simple.
She doesn't care about you, your mat leave, whether you have time to bond with your baby, whether you are shattered with a new baby.
She doesn't care if her parking near your house makes things uncomfortable for you or inconveniences your neighbours.

SHE DOESN'T CARE.

Until you get that, you will be dealing with this.
She is a user/taker/cheeky fucker who only cares about what works for her.
When you get that and accept it, it becomes so much easier to detach firmly and mean it.