Sister asks me to look after her son and I don’t want too

[SpunkyMintZebra]

Im on maternity leave, I have a 4 month old - I also have a 4 year old who goes to pre school.
My nephew is 4 also, on days he doesn’t go to nursery and the dad can’t have him, she asks me to look after him - this day my daughter is at pre school. I don’t want to look after him - my daughter isn’t with me and it feels weird looking after him whilst my daughter is in pre school, and also, I need a break! I have stuff to do in my house and also I need some ‘me’ time whilst I don’t have my daughter also with me. (Whilst baby sleeps I can relax)!
I Would look after him once in a while but she asks me at least every other week so I can’t say yes to her being ‘just this once’ cos she asks me again and again.
Before I was on maternity leave she coped but now she always has to ask me.
Its tough looking after 2 kids as it is and he is very full on and I would find it hard with him and my baby. If my daughter was at home with me it would be different as they would play together.
AIBU for not wanting too?

A lot of companies have a policy that you can't WFH if you're in charge of a child at the same time. Very sensible IMO; you can't really concentrate on work with a small child there, or vice versa.

But none of that's your problem. Neither is her supposedly not being able to afford childcare. Just tell her no. If you think she's the type that doesn't listen properly, let her keep asking and tell her no every time. Otherwise, say 'No, and please don't ask again – I can't have him for you, find some other solution.'

I know that the previous poster sounded harsh, @SpunkyMintZebra - but she isn't wrong.

You have every right to say a polite No to your sister, but I understand that it is a lot easier for us to say that than it is for you to actually do it. I suspect that the previous poster was trying to help you brace up and find the strength to say no to your sister. I'm sure you have a backbone - you just need to believe that you can say no to your sister, and that you have every right to say no to her.

This is a special and precious time for you to have with your baby - once maternity leave is over, you won't get it back - and you have every right to want to spend that time with the baby, just the two of you.

You are at baby massage, thyme time, tumble tots, aqua babes - whatever so can't help. Every time until she gets the hint.

Just this. No apologies, excuses or explanations.

I agree, @ilovesooty. All @SpunkyMintZebra needs to say is "I want to spend my maternity leave enjoying time with my baby - it's time I will never get back - so I'm afraid I won't be able to look after Nephew - I'm sure you'll understand".

Well first of all she's been really lucky to have such a kind sister like you to look after her son.
She needs to be working around you if she'd like help on certain days. So the days your daughter is in pre-school are no go's, there's nothing wrong in telling her that.
Just tell her that you can do XYZ a morning or afternoon a month for the cousins to play together or whatever you're comfortable with.
Better to start the ball rolling now before little one gets older.

She has a total fool made of you.
What a complete CF.
People who care about you don't use you.
Do not burden yourself during your mat leave.
To have her child when yours is in care is plain foolish.
Don't worry about her reaction, she couldn't care less about you.
She's a user.
You need to have your own back.

I think you need to stop all childcare. She is absolutely ripping the piss out of you.

Here's a suggestion for you @SpunkyMintZebra - when she asks you to have her son, come back in the very next breath with "Oh great. I've been meaning to ask you when you can have the kids for me, would next Tuesday suit?"

If she grabs the opportunity to look after and spend time with her niece/nephew, then you might decide to stay her safety net but not her primary back up. If she makes some excuse, then you just use the same excuse back to her when she asks you.

Just say no. Lie if you have to - ‘I have baby yoga/music with mummy’ etc ie, something you cannot miss and cannot take a 4yo with you. Find a baby group that meets on that day if you need to (there will be a list on your local websites).

if you’ve planned the day to yourself (and baby) you have a right to have that me time/bonding time. It’s no less important that your DSis/BiL’s time. They will need to work it out themselves.

Your sister needs to sort proper
childcare for her child. It’s not your responsibility to enable her. If she keeps on with her current system she could end up losing her job. She can’t afford not to add more nursery days.

More fool you! For goodness sake say no and mean it.

You should not be spending your maternity leave looking after other peoples children. Your sister is absolutely a CF.

No way. You are not on maternity leave to look after her child. She needs to sort out proper childcare for him. I wouldn't agree to swapping childcare, either. She works full time and can't look after her own, never mind yours.

I think you need to sit down with her and have a proper conversation as to why this isn't working for you.

She might not like what you are saying, but you don't like how she is imposing her childcare issues onto you either.

It seems madness that you are picking up her childcare for her on the days that you don't having your own 4 yr old.

She's obviously got over reliant on you (and is just expecting you to have her child) and now needs to make her own arrangements going forward. If this continues you are just going to feel more and more resentful. She has no problem imposing on you, so you are going to have to firmly state this can't continue going forward.

This with bells on.
You know your sister is a CF and does nothing for you in return, just expects to be "helped out". If she can't afford nursery, then she needs to reduce her working hours or apply for benefits. Of course she won't do the latter as she has a good stash of savings. Yet bleating poverty to you and outright lying that she can't afford. She's your sister, you should be able to put her straight without having to invent excuses etc. But I suspect you worry that she'll get upset and your relationship will change. She'll make it out like it's your fault, when it's all her CF-ery. Remember though, you don't have to take her shit.

Wow!!

And did you?

She is a genuine CF!

I'd make some 'plans' with your dc for the days she normally uses you.

Definitely tell her you can't provide childcare on a regular basis in the future, no excuses or made up stories, you deserve some time to yourself and she should respect that.

You could offer to help her find suitable childcare, whether that's another nursery or a nanny if you wanted to, however you're not obligated to help in any way.

I'd just tell her "I can no longer look after nephew going forwards. You'll need to find other childcare going forwards including school hoildays." Don't give any reason or she'll argue with you and try and convince you otherwise.

You really need to sort this ASAP, OP. The summer holidays are upon us.

It's really unfair on her child for her, or her ex, to be working from home with their child not in childcare.

From what you said, are you also having your nephew for the school holidays as well? I'd be really careful that you don't become the default school holiday childcare, which would limit your work capacity/earnings AND time with your own children.

Your not on maternity leave to provide her with free childcare. Just say no.

Say no. Your baby deserves some 1-1 attention and you NEED the break during nap time. Life with 2 is full on.

as others have said - lie if needs be, you’re busy that day or have some Mum friends coming over or have errands to run etc etc

If the cousins enjoy time together it's nice to have the nephew over when your daughter is there.

Trouble is she wants regular childcare so it's probably better to say a complete no than an occasional yes!

So she basically wants you to pay her nursery fees