Sister asks me to look after her son and I don’t want too

[SpunkyMintZebra]

Im on maternity leave, I have a 4 month old - I also have a 4 year old who goes to pre school.
My nephew is 4 also, on days he doesn’t go to nursery and the dad can’t have him, she asks me to look after him - this day my daughter is at pre school. I don’t want to look after him - my daughter isn’t with me and it feels weird looking after him whilst my daughter is in pre school, and also, I need a break! I have stuff to do in my house and also I need some ‘me’ time whilst I don’t have my daughter also with me. (Whilst baby sleeps I can relax)!
I Would look after him once in a while but she asks me at least every other week so I can’t say yes to her being ‘just this once’ cos she asks me again and again.
Before I was on maternity leave she coped but now she always has to ask me.
Its tough looking after 2 kids as it is and he is very full on and I would find it hard with him and my baby. If my daughter was at home with me it would be different as they would play together.
AIBU for not wanting too?

You must say no. I wouldn’t dream of asking a pregnant woman to look after a 4 year old on the only day she has to herself. That’s really overstepping.

You have to keep saying no until she stops asking. It is very very unfair of her to put you in this position but the more times you say no the easier it will get. You need the downtime and you need the bonding with your own young baby and it is not your fault she choses to send her child only part time to nursery. What does she think will happen when your maternity ends? Lie if you have to, say you have booked classes or something just you and your baby or you have booked mum and baby swimming for the exact days she needs help. Her child, her issue to sort. It will be hard at first but it will get easier.

It’s a really fair question. Paying for your child to go to nursery, while you take care of another child the exact same age is clearly irrational. Why would you think you were unreasonable? What’s the possibly unreasonable element?

Don't make excuses or tell lies, tell her straight out 'no, I'm not looking after anyone else's kids anytime' repeat as necessary, don't get into any kind of discussion or argument about it.

I mean my sister asks me so clearly she thinks it not unreasonable 🙈🙈

CFs never think they're being unreasonable though.

Good point!

Thanks all for opinions, I just wondered if I sounded harsh for saying no to her.
For further context, she has had my daughter maybe only a handful of times, when we have gone to weddings x3 and once when I had my 20 week scan and we no other option as pre school was shut. Other than that, she doesn’t have her and doesn’t offer.
I have had her son regularly once a week since he was 1 year old on the day my daughter is off with me too.
I also looked after them both heavily pregnant right to the very end! So yes I do lots my favours for her so I am not worried about her ‘not returning them’ as she needs me still usually once a week and when half term comes round when they are at school.

Not at all unreasonable to say no. She needs to pay for childcare or change her/her partner's work pattern. Stay strong OP or you'll keep being pestered.

‘No sorry sis. I already have him one day a week when DD isn’t at preschool and the other day is my day with the baby to catch up and go to baby classes. Please stop asking me to have him more often. I already help you out enough’

Wow, you are coming across as angry and attacking.

That’s ridiculous. You need to have a convo with her about you being taken advantage of.

More than one person can be rude. In this case it's the sister and you.

OP has also said she does push back and say no but when someone repeatedly asks the same favour it's natural to wonder if you're the one being unreasonable and should be "helping" out more.

As your sister to look after your children and see what she says. Chances are if she says yes once she'll never say yes again, too much hard work. Anyway, that'll give her a taste of what it's like to look after someone else's 4 yo

You need to sit her down with a cup of tea/coffee and say very clearly that she needs to find alternative childcare for her son - because you can no longer be her default person to go to. He needs to start going to nursery to socialise with other kids his own age before he starts school.
What is the reason that his dad can't have him? Are your sister and your nephew's father together or separated because if they are together, they need to share the parenting of their son. If they are separated, they still need to sort out child care requirements between them and get some sort of formalised system in place sooner rather than later.

You're not being unreasonable in not wanting to look after him when your own child is at preschool!
It's up to you if you look after him on the day that your DD is home but I wouldn't do the other day as well.
What's she going to do when you go back to work?
She needs to sort her own childcare out, especially as she doesn't often offer to have your daughter as well. Talk to her!

I Would look after him once in a while but she asks me at least every other week so I can’t say yes to her being ‘just this once’ cos she asks me again and again

Sounds like a classic case of giving an inch and her taking a mile, in which case you're perfectly justified in saying no - especially as you already have her DS once a week

No need for excuses; just tell her another day will be too much for you and leave it at that

How did she manage before?

Good question! she works from home a lot and would work with him there or her ex would work from home with him, but there are days this doesn’t work and this is when she has been asking me recently.
Saying this, she had actually asked me a couple of times to have him for a couple of hours when she had meetings when I was working from home 🙈

I think (like others have said upthread), you need to find a way you’re comfortable refusing to do this. You need to put yourself first so you can be the best mum for your own kids. You could have a frank discussion with her about it being time to sort her childcare out, and that wouldn’t be unreasonable, but I don’t think that’s what you want to do. The other option is continuing to simply say no. If you feel that you need to continually explain yourself to her, or you’re worried about how she will react, then this is a problem. You are absolutely entitled to have time to yourself.

She's a pisstaker, def keep saying no. You need your day off.

I would start by saying no you can’t have her child while your daughter is in pre school. This is your time to bond with baby and catch up on chores and relax!

And going forward, you won’t be able to have him at all once you go back to work as 3 children will be too much so she needs to find somewhere now.

She can book another day at nursery and his dad can help out. It’s not your problem. And don’t back down or it will all start again.

You were rude though. Her sister is a cheeky fucker. You were rude.

Sounds like you're already doing too much for her, considering she never offers for you.

I'd just tell her you won't be available moving forward. If not, she'll carry on asking weekly and it'll be a constant irritation for you.