Sister asks me to look after her son and I don’t want too

[SpunkyMintZebra]

Im on maternity leave, I have a 4 month old - I also have a 4 year old who goes to pre school.
My nephew is 4 also, on days he doesn’t go to nursery and the dad can’t have him, she asks me to look after him - this day my daughter is at pre school. I don’t want to look after him - my daughter isn’t with me and it feels weird looking after him whilst my daughter is in pre school, and also, I need a break! I have stuff to do in my house and also I need some ‘me’ time whilst I don’t have my daughter also with me. (Whilst baby sleeps I can relax)!
I Would look after him once in a while but she asks me at least every other week so I can’t say yes to her being ‘just this once’ cos she asks me again and again.
Before I was on maternity leave she coped but now she always has to ask me.
Its tough looking after 2 kids as it is and he is very full on and I would find it hard with him and my baby. If my daughter was at home with me it would be different as they would play together.
AIBU for not wanting too?

Absolutely. And whatever some well meaning posters suggest, don't make up stories or lie either.

Bear in mind that she has no hesitation in putting you in an awkward position

I have had her son regularly once a week since he was 1 year old on the day my daughter is off with me too. Wow she's really taking the piss. I would tell her to stop asking as you're already helping out massively and if she keeps asking she'll find herself needing childcare for both days of the week he's not in preschool. She is very much being a CF and a piss poor sister to boot.

It’s fine to just say no. If you want to hedge it a bit, blame a 4 month sleep regression and say you need to rest on your DD’s nursery days.

If you feel a blanket no would cause to much fall out, tell her you will do it if she can change her DS childcare days to match your DD and you will have him on a day she is home too. And that it’s unfair on your DD to be away from home when she knows her cousin is being looked after by you.

But, it’s fine to just say “no sorry I can’t, you’ll have to go back to what you were doing before I was on maternity”

Exactly this.

I wouldn't under those circumstances. Why doesn't she use (paid) childcare?

Nope. You need your day with DD in pre school to do things round the house and spend time solely with your baby. End of discussion, and your sister is being completely unreasonable expecting you to do this.

Dont lie. Just tell her no.

Yes, YABU for not saying no at this point. She's taking advantage.

Don’t say this OP or she will swap her arrangements so you end up with two four year olds and a baby!

Just tell the truth, so much easier.

Yeah your sister is a huge CF

No, you don't want to. You say she earns good money and has lots of savings so it's not like she can't afford childcare, she'd just rather lean on you for free.

Please don't feel guilty. The thing I have realised, probably too late as I gave away a lot of my time looking after people's kids, is that my time and energy are precious and also limited, and although I could in theory be kind and generous and "share the load" as one mother put it, and help out etc... I don't want to.

Especially as the kind of people who freely avail themselves of my childcare rarely reciprocate.

And I like the dynamic of me and my kids, other children change it too much. It becomes work.

She needs to sort out care for her own child.

The one that she chose to have.

Oh and the other favourite MN phrase I picked up on here which I like to remind myself of - not my circus, not my monkeys!

@HelplessSoul that you don’t see the irony in telling the OP to grow a back bone when your username indicates you feel like a helpless wee boy is laughable. Away and dodge one, silly little man.

she is totally unreasonable. She needs to pay for childcare like the rest of us do. Yes it's expensive and very difficult.

What would be reasonable would be if, say, one of you looked after both children one day while the other parent worked, and then the other parent did similar on a different day. It might be slightly easier to look after 2 children at once if the same age.
Looking after her kid when your kid is in childcare? Lol! no.

Just say no. Or say 'OK, but I can't afford to do it for free. Please pay me a tenner an hour'. Who can afford to just gift free childcare?

‘Sorry sis, you know I love X and I’m happy to keep having him on Mondays but I pay for nursery on Tuesdays so that I can have time to myself child free so please stop asking me.’

If your nephew is 4 then presumably he (and your daughter) will be starting school in September. She'll just have to suck up the additional childcare costs for the next 2-3 months.

Will your DD and DN be going to the same Primary School? If so don't be surprised is your DSis starts asking if you'll do the "occasional" drop off/pick up.

@SpunkyMintZebra

OP your sister is massively taking the Micky.

• She knows it but is being pushy to get what works for her.
• You (and the majority of the posters on here know it) but you're allowing her to manipulate and guilt you into doing something which doesn't work for YOU.

Put your MN big girl pants on, take a deep breath and give her an unequivocal 'No - that doesn't work for me at all, not now and not in the future so please stop asking me, and make your own plans which don't involve me'.

Once you've said that you'll feel a huge weight come off your shoulders and you can again focus on your own needs and that of your own children. She and her partner/husband can make their own plans (childminder, nursery)and pay from their good salaries/savings rather than feeling entitled to your time and energy for free.

Do you really look after her child when you've paid for your own child's childcare? How does that make sense?

Also be wary of:

• other family members (flying monkeys) trying to persuade/pressure you into you providing your sister with childcare to make her own life easier at the expense of yours and
• being approached to provide any childcare over the summer holidays... 🌹

No, you were aggressively rude. Think you’re going to need to learn to take what you give.

If it was a friend asking I’d find this awkward but as it’s your sister I’d be more direct. “Sorry, no. I need time on my own and I really don’t want to be doing childcare. You’ll have to sort something out with someone else.”

You missed the bit where the OP is on maternity leave, and has a small baby as well as a four year old.@Clearinguptheclutter

If the truth is hard for you then you'll just have to feign a migraine or something and just refuse. Say you need to spend the day focused on yourself.

If you find it hard to say no, find an activity that you do with your baby on that day that a 4 year old couldn't come to. "Sorry, we have baby sensory/ baby swimming/ baby group at the village hall" etc. And just tell her older children aren't allowed.

Well she needs to sort out her own childcare for those 2 days a week! What does she do with him if you say no? You're perfectly reasonable to say sorry but that's my day to catch up on stuff while DD is in preschool. She'd have to find alternative arrangements when your maternity leave ends anyway!