Sister asks me to look after her son and I don’t want too

[SpunkyMintZebra]

Im on maternity leave, I have a 4 month old - I also have a 4 year old who goes to pre school.
My nephew is 4 also, on days he doesn’t go to nursery and the dad can’t have him, she asks me to look after him - this day my daughter is at pre school. I don’t want to look after him - my daughter isn’t with me and it feels weird looking after him whilst my daughter is in pre school, and also, I need a break! I have stuff to do in my house and also I need some ‘me’ time whilst I don’t have my daughter also with me. (Whilst baby sleeps I can relax)!
I Would look after him once in a while but she asks me at least every other week so I can’t say yes to her being ‘just this once’ cos she asks me again and again.
Before I was on maternity leave she coped but now she always has to ask me.
Its tough looking after 2 kids as it is and he is very full on and I would find it hard with him and my baby. If my daughter was at home with me it would be different as they would play together.
AIBU for not wanting too?

Seeing you are already her childcare once a week (not that you should provide that too), it’s beyond unreasonable of her to ask you for another day. She needs to sort out her childcare for both days out. It’s not your responsibility.

Your not unreasonable she is though to ask. Her childcare issues are not yours. Say no you have plans with your baby whilst your dd is in nursery. I wouldn't someone else's 4 year old when mine was in childcare even without adding a baby into the mix.

You are not being unreasonable not wanting to look after your nephew. That's the first thing to say.

However you are being unreasonable to your children and yourself if you continue to let this situation ride.

It's 4-5 weeks until the start of the summer holidays so pre-school will be closing. You need to get it absolutely crystal clear to your sister that you are not able to look after your nephew during the holidays AT ALL. Don't say as much - that's a foot in the door for her. Say no, no care at all, in fact you're looking for some days when she has your DD as pay back for all the days you have done. If you don't - she'll expect you have have your nephew all through the holidays and this will go on all the way through primary school as it becomes the accepted norm.

So give your sister a bit of warning - I need to talk to you about child care going forward. Note - not we need to talk, I. You need to take back control. Work work what you are going to say and practise saying the words out loud. So something like
Just wanted to give you some notice, as I will not be available for looking after nephew after 25th June. It's not working for me and I need to focus on my 2 kids.

And be prepared to repeat - It's not working for me. there's a guy on Instagram, jefferson_fisher. He sets out a problem and gives you 3 ways of saying your piece.

And never, never, never look after someone else's child, when yours is at pre-school, nursery, school or when you are WFH. Never. Be absolutely clear on this. To anyone and everyone.

The trouble with feigning illness or otherwise lying is you have to remember the lie for the next time someone tries to get you to do something you don't want to do. And each time you lie your heart cringes a little bit where you try and brush them off yet again. And they're still hurt/upset/whatever.

Telling the absolute truth from the beginning, and not fudging or lying, works better in the end, however "upset" and manipulative the cheeky beggar is... they're still hurt/upset, etc but if you are clear enough and firmly shut the door on and more people this cheeky fuckery they'll get the message.

Boundaries @SpunkyMintZebra - build them high and strong. 🌹

'Sorry, it's too much for me.'
'But I can't afford childcare.'
'I'm afraid that's not my problem. I am not your free childcare option.'

I wouldn't make up daft lies and stories as to why I can't do the minding bit, I'd tell her straight. "I won't be available to help you anymore as I have enough going on with my life with two dc and want to enjoy my time with my baby before I return to work."
She gets arsey, that's her problem, she's mugging you off anyway and she'll get snotty because you are standing up for yourself.
The 'but it's familleee' shit can fuck off too.
She needs to be an adult and deal with her on parental stuff.

If you don’t like conflict I would tell her you signed up for a baby group as an excuse. I know people will say just say no but it’s not always that easy!

She's taking the piss, saving money at your expense and time with your own new baby.

You need to say no, that your maternity leave isn't to provide her with free childcare. She'll have to pay someone to have her child elsewhere or stop working those 2 days herself.

It's not your problem to solve for her

I would fall about laughing if my sister asked me this and say 'You're joking right?'. And if she said no, I would say 'You are taking the piss sis, I am not looking after any extra children whilst on mat leave - I am already knackered enough'

She managed before so she can learn to manage again if you don’t want to look after him, she’s just taking the easy option and using you because you are on maternity. The next time she asks just say no or if you struggle with that make something up about you going out

Then she needs to up her childcare to five days a week. It is HER responsibility to take care of her child and not to foist him off on others.

You deserve a break. You are on maternity leave, not, "I'll take on extra childcare duties while taking care of my infant" leave.

Just honestly tell her that you cannot do it, that you need to rest and take care of your little family unit.

OP just say no- I pay to send my DD to nursery to have time alone with my baby. If I wanted 2 children in the house to care for it would be my DCs not yours. Do what I do and send him to nursery. If you can’t afford it give up work on those days

Just say no-you aren’t her staff

Yanbu at all. SAY NO! Tell her you need the time with just your baby and time to yourself when baby naps so sorry but you won’t be able to keep looking after her child and she’ll have to use the same childcare she used before you went on mat leave. Don’t be a people pleaser when she’s being completely unreasonable by expecting this so often.

Tell her what you said in your post. You're being perfectly reasonable in what you say and its not as if you're saying "never again" . Having time to yourself now and then is a necessity, not a luxury and not something you should feel selfish about

Are you agreeing every time she asks you?

Does she ever look after your kids?

What is she doing whilst you have her child?

Tbh it doesn't sound like you are going to do anything about this situation. If all this is a rant then at least you've gotten to do that. If you do want to do something about this then you first need to decide what your boundaries are. Are you willing to offer any help or would you prefer to give none at all? Whatever you decide is valid but it should come from you. If I were in this situation I'd outright say no unless in emergency situations but my sisters live too far for it to be an issue. If you want to do a say a week, maybe formalise it, so the same day every week and no extra days at all. I can't fathom wanting to take care of another child whilst my own was at preschool simply because I'd be using that time to go to groups with baby, catch up on chores and have naps but that's just me.

I do hope you resolve the situation. She is being a CF and I would point that out.

I definitely wouldn't do it. It's your time to relax with just your little one, and get some time of your own when he's asleep. I wouldn't even consider it unless it was an emergency situation (a real emergency, not just her not having anyone to look after him).

I don't agree with lying about it, I wouldn't invent a baby class (oh what a tangled web we weave!). I'd just say 'no sorry I'm not able to'. If she asked why I'd be honest and say that's my day to catch up on sleep, housework and relax.

You're def not unreasonable in your feelings, however, if it were me I'd likely take DN. I'd probably suggest a bit more of a swap so she'd take mine more often, though. I'd let her know I needed breaks to get things done and ask which fixed dates we could arrange.

Book some baby activity in on that day .

“Haha you must be joking, Thursday is the only day I get a few hours to myself while the baby is sleeping and little Mary is at nursery!
Happy to have him for a few hours next Tuesday, and maybe you can have Mary on Friday xx”

‘No, Susan, I’m not taking Bob any more, but I hope you can get proper childcare sorted soon.’

I'd set your boundary i.e. how much care you are willing to do. And then also have an excuse as to why you can't do the weekday. And throw in a bit about needing some time for you.

Hi sis, sorry if this is a bit out of the blue, but I need to let you know that I can't look after X during the week anymore. On Tuesdays I've arranged to meet a friend at a baby sensory class in X town, its a bit of a drive so we will be making a day of it every week. I also need a bit of time to catch up on things when DD is at nursery too, I'm having such broken sleep at the moment I just need a bit of down time before and after our sensory class. I'm so sorry to do this, I know you are exhausted too! I can do next week to give you time to sort alternative childcare for X and I'm still happy to help with the odd weekend morning or afternoon when DH is around to help out, and a day or two in the school holidays with enough notice.

I totally get why OP is wanting to tread carefully, its a sensitive situation, and yes the sister if a CF but its still her sister!

Good luck op, be brave!

Just say "i really dont want to. Its my child free time"