To feel this is the end because he called me a c€&t under his breath

[RealNewt]

Hi, I really need some advice. Just had a fight with DH while on holiday and walked out of the room. I changed my mind and walked back in, and heard him at the tail end of calling me a cunt to himself. He (under interrogation) admitted it. I am really shocked that he would call me this, even to himself. For the record, I wasn’t being particularly unreasonable or acting cuntish, it was just a stupid fight about nothing.

yes, that wouldbe the end for me

This isn't ok is this a one off ? Id be sitting down talking to him to see why on earth he felt this was justified people calling each other names is simply unacceptable in any form

Depends if it's a one off, or if he usually calls you names? I'd be extremely upset if my DH called me that, but I don't know that I'd end it if it only happened one time. But he'd have some serious groveling to do.

oh good lord.. have you never got so angry and pissed off that you've called him something..

i know its petty, but when my hubby winds me up, we disagree or something, i will stand in the next room sticking two fingers up at him! its annoyance, frustration and just a way of venting.

its not a word i would use, but theres plenty of people who do, and not in anger, in part of their everyday language.

you'd had an arguement, you'd left the room, and he was probably just venting!

Even when he thought she'd left the room and he was just muttering under his breath? Do you never even think bad names for your husband after an argument?

I certainly wouldn't call my dh a cunt 🙄

Neither would I, but you said calling names is unacceptable in any form. She wasn't supposed to hear him so he wasn't really calling her names.

That is the one word that would always be a dealbreaker for me. Not sure why I feel so strongly about it but I do and my family know it so I would struggle to get past it. It’s the feeling behind using the word rather than whether or not you were supposed to hear it that would make me walk.

I definitely would call my husband a cunt under my breath in the next room where he couldn't hear me if he pissed me off enough..
And I love that man. I'd do anything for him. We've been together 14 years. He's the love of my life.
Annoys me sometimes tho...

I think venting frustration when you think you are alone is completely different from aggressively swearing at someone.

On here there was recently a thread about a husband who'd read a wife's diary where she had been upset and writing negative things about the marriage.
The general consensus was that he was wrong to read her diary. That it was a place where she could work through her emotions in privacy.

I don't see this scenario as much different.
This man thought he was alone. He wasn't aggressively calling her a cunt he was expressing his annoyance whilst thinking he was alone. This is not something he would have chosen to say to her face.

Have you honestly never been furious in a moment? We can't help feeling our emotions but we cab help how we express them..
Swearing to yourself when you think you are alone is pretty normal imo.
I'd only be worried about this if he had angrily been swearing to her face.

Yep, it’s the feeling behind the word thing that’s getting me. And I’m also holidaying somewhere with very scant internet coverage so have been desperately trying to find corners of the house where I can read these responses, arrgh!! Thank you all. He wouldn’t have form for calling me names but I do often suspect that he feels angry at me and isn’t honest about it. he’s all “I’m a calm tolerant lovely person”……until he’s calling his partner a cunt under his breath.

Some people get angry in the moment but won't express it to you directly because they know deep down that they don't really want to be angry at you and that they'll get over it in a bit.
It's not necessarily healthy to tell someone every single emotional reaction you have to everything they do.
Some people like to go away and assess their initial reaction to decide whether it's something they want to express or not.

I think you’re right. That’s what I was thinking. If he muttered something like “ffs” it would be different.

But that word, from someone who I assume doesn’t use it a lot (to your knowledge) sounds like there could be strong negative sentiment behind it.

There are many men who conceal their dislike for their partners so just be careful.

It shows a level of contempt and deep dislike, even hatred of you. Yes, I do think it’s very very serious.

I love how Mumsnet is full of stepford wives.
Never had a negative thought about their partner
Never called them a name
Never raised their voice, never even thought about it
Never took the huff, never petty
Children are all angels, never arseholes

Load of shite

I think on MN, being called the C word qualifies for an automatic LTB.

However in this case, it sounds like it was an isolated incident so I don't think it's worth ending the marriage over.

For me the big difference is that he said it under his breath rather than directly to you. If he'd said it to you it would qualify as verbal abuse, however in my opinion, saying something under your breath once someone's left the room isn't verbal abuse.

Honestly I think you all must be saints if you never mutter a swear word under your breath (privately) in the heat of the moment ... I would never, ever swear at anyone or use swear words (even on Mumsnet !) but yes, I do on occasions mutter fairly strong words in private if a situation is particular exasperating.

I rarely rarely use that word and reserve it for the worst of the worst behaviour so it would be totally shocking to me to hear my husband use it about me. I

You caught him out, but it wasn't meant for your ears.

I think it would be a massive overreaction on your part if you ended your relationship over this.

I have called my husband allsorts at times under my breath and I love him.

Agree with this

It clearly wasn’t a stupid fight about nothing though, as he was clearly very angry or upset by it. You say you think he often feels angry with you but doesn’t show it. It looks like this is one of those times.

to be honest, I’ve muttered stuff under my breath about my husband, horrible words, when he’s annoyed the fuck out of me, the c one being one of them.

the issue here is you both have a different view of the argument. You feel it was nothing and you were not being cunty. He has a different view.

I agree. (Married 15 years. I’d just choose to ignore it).

I understand you, and I too would have been upset, however I think that actually you should think about it a bit more rationally.
Muttering under your breath, to yourself, whilst alone is akin to thoughts in your own head in my opinion. This is a way of dealing with a stressful situation and the fact that he chose not to direct it at you is probably because he knows that he doesn't mean it really, but needs to express his anger about the argument.

I'm always muttering rude words about my DH under my breath when he's not in earshot. I'd never do it to his face and it lets off steam for me!

Surely we all mutter rude words about people when they are not there.

I used to call my mum names in the privacy of my bedroom as a kid.

It's not the same as screaming it into your face.

It all depends on your relationship - we are very sweary (not around DD) and I probably call DH a cunt to his face most months. It means absolutely nothing to us.

Muttered under breath wouldn’t bother me at all. But we are all different and it depends what your marriage is like overall. We are very close and happy. But we are also both quite hot tempered and we quite like a good argument, so we have a lot. It would probably horrify people that are the “never argue” type.

The nail in the coffin for us will be if we just stop talking.