To feel this is the end because he called me a c€&t under his breath

[RealNewt]

Hi, I really need some advice. Just had a fight with DH while on holiday and walked out of the room. I changed my mind and walked back in, and heard him at the tail end of calling me a cunt to himself. He (under interrogation) admitted it. I am really shocked that he would call me this, even to himself. For the record, I wasn’t being particularly unreasonable or acting cuntish, it was just a stupid fight about nothing.

It's just a word. Stop being so precious.
Unless of course you're looking for excuses reasons to split up.

If it's just a word, when is name calling ever considered abusive and unacceptable?

They're all just words.

It’s abusive if it is one sided, or bullying, or controlling or undermining or otherwise nasty.

It’s not abusive if it’s just two people that are both a bit sweary and give as good as they get (and are otherwise loving and happy). We don’t say it with any malice.

In fact I've definitely called DH similar behind his back after an argument. While I'm not proud of it it does happen in the heat or the moment when I am absolutely fuming.

He can say sorry, and you need to let it go.

You say he repressed his feelings. Right, and you wonder why? It's not that big a deal, you even say he doesn't do that your face, it was in private!

MN will validate your view that your 'lovely' partner should never show an ounce of anger, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it's a huge over reaction. There have been many times over the 50 years I've been with my husband where we've had rows and called each other all sorts of names, but it's done in the heat of the argument, and is forgotten once one of us has apologised, or once we've both calmed down. I'm sure it's a word that we've probably both used to each other at some point. What I don't understand is why so many people seem willing to break up a marriage over such a trivial issue, and why people don't seem to work at their marriages any more. It's very different if your partner in unfaithful or violent, but leaving because of a word used in an argument seems ridiculous - when you marry someone you make a lifelong commitment to them, and I think it's just bizarre to consider breaking up a marriage because of something like this.

That would be a deal-breaker for me. Nobody gets to call me that and expect me to stay in contact, let alone a relationship.

It's just a swear word. Who was it who decided that certain words would be swear words anyway and that there would be levels of mild to extreme.

Having said that it is the one word that I don't like!

Seriously?
I'd ignore it unless it was a part of something deeper.
People are allowed to be frustrated. Cunt is just a word. And a good one to let off steam with.

Is it a word he would use generally?

Oh me too!

I can swear like a trooper but that is one word that will never pass my lips.

@RealNewt is it ‘just’ this though? Is it that you feel there is real venom behind his words? You’re entitled to feel very cross that he called you that, even muttered it aloud, but is there something more niggling at you? You say you feel he’s not honest about his feelings and that you often suspect he feels anger towards you - how often? Because that’s a very disconcerting feeling to live with, that your partner is wearing a mask and you feel uneasy.

If all else is well, I absolutely wouldn't end a marriage over this, no. Some people are more sweary than others. I'd say 'cunt' if I stubbed my toe. It's a way to get a feeling out. You don't have to read more into it to make out this man you know very well is a secretly hate-fuelled misogynist unless there's other things in play.

This.

Some of these responses are ridiculous. The C word is not any old swear word. It's real invective, intended to convey scorn or loathing. If he's one of those rare people that describe people as c*s as a matter of routine, that's different. But OP would know that and not be so upset. It's not the swearing that's the issue here, it's the level of swearing. I'd be hugely upset.

What is so special about the word cunt?

Cunt, cunt, cunt... I don't feel any different?

I have muttered similar under my breath about my DH and he has no doubt done the same about me on occasion.
It doesn't mean that's really what I think, it's just a moment of anger or frustration. We are not all perfect and it's not like someone is shouting it in your face.
I would just get past it if I were you

Exactly this

He was swearing to himself under his breath when you left the room. He did not intend you to hear that word. You should have pretended not to have heard it rather than interrogating him.
Your anger would have been justified if he had called you that to your face but he didn't. Give him a break.

Same.

Context is key, as always. If this was a blip in the middle of a happy relationship, I wouldn’t give it another thought. OTOH, if you think he’s often angry and resentful (albeit not expressing it) I’d be more concerned. But it’s the picture overall that’s the issue, not one word.

Muttered under breath not the same as calling you to your face. Doesn't matter a bit what the actual word is.

Some people don't get angry at their partner. I've never raised my voice or called them a name in 30 years. My kids were never perfect but again, never arseholes. Not a load of shite.

@beckybarefoot me too!! and my mum used to do it to my dad.

Seriously op, massive over reaction in my opinion, he didn’t even say it to you.

Yabu. He thought he was alone. It would be different if he said it to your face or under his breath knowing you were in earshot.

I have called DH names in my head and or loudly to the sofa when I was home alone after a fight. It means nothing except I'm human and I sometimes get frustrated and swearing lets that out somehow.

Me and dh have been casually cunting for years.
(It's a micky Flanagan reference)

It all depends on your relationship.If you're not sweary people then I get why you're upset.