To feel this is the end because he called me a c€&t under his breath

[RealNewt]

Hi, I really need some advice. Just had a fight with DH while on holiday and walked out of the room. I changed my mind and walked back in, and heard him at the tail end of calling me a cunt to himself. He (under interrogation) admitted it. I am really shocked that he would call me this, even to himself. For the record, I wasn’t being particularly unreasonable or acting cuntish, it was just a stupid fight about nothing.

I had been considering divorcing my wife for the last two years. We hardly ever fought but this time last year we had a big bust up and she called me an utter c@unt twice. Massive redline for me, asked her for a divorce 3 months later.

You know sometimes it's not upto us to decide what is considered c* ish behaviour

I can’t count the amount of times I have called my husband a d*ck..too
many. He does not take it personally. Broad shoulders and a sibling of 3 boys, he has been called worse. On the other hand I once just once in 17 years heard him call me the name you mentioned. I was mortally wounded/offended, rings were off.

To be fair it wasn’t my finest moment, he was right. I wasn’t being my usual charming self. The carnage I caused after being called said name was huge. Surprised I wasn’t on the news and he simply said “you call me x all the time.” Couldn’t argue, I did.

If you’ve never been mad or called someone a name yourself then I say you’ve every right to be offended, but if you’re on the dark side like I am then it’s hypocritical to be offended. Only you know..

I'd have called him one back and then made a joke about him wishing I'd not heard the comment.

It's not 'nice' but certainly not something I'd break up a marriage over

I don't agree with it but cunt has become more socially acceptable and I've heard it on post-watershed TV quite often in the last couple of years. This sort of social disinhibition can potentially spread to any of us and if you weren't meant to hear it, it does make a difference. Upsetting, yes, but not a LTB moment.

Almost the exact same scenario happened to me, OP but DH thought I’d gone downstairs!

I was upset he’d used the C word, but it wasn’t meant for my ears, only his own! We did have a discussion about it, he did apologise but it’s certainly not something I would have left him for. He didn’t scream it in my face, he’s probably muttered it before if we’ve argued (as no doubt your DH has possibly done)

DH is sweary and does use the C word! I have called DH a number of names under my breath (never the C word as I hate it) DH knows I don’t like it, which is probably why he thought he’d mutter it as a retort but to himself!

I can understand why you’re upset, it must have been a shock to you if your DH is normally pretty controlled during confrontation, but it’s not something to get divorced over, imo.

Good god get a grip. Everyone’s thought or even said this out loud ! In the heat of a row. It would be different if he regularly called you this. Then that would be a leave him sign. How ridiculous that anyone would think it should be the grounds for divorce. I’m so pleased no one can see inside my head. No wonder marriages don’t last these days !!! I called my husband a twat a few years back to his face. We got over it. For gods sake. So precious.

You can't seriously break up a marriage over that?

You know if he's a good man or not. Go on that. Not a mutter under his breath.

I get it used to be seen as the worst word, but people use it now like they would dickhead.

If I said to DH 'don't be a dick or an arsehole' I wouldn't expect him to leave me!

It'd be the end for me. That's not love.

Dealbreaker for me. It’s the most offensive word a person can use. It depends how high your standards are and how you value yourself, as to what you find acceptable. It’s not a word I use and if I hear anyone use it, particularly a woman, I think pick yourself up out of the gutter and I avoid. If my partner called me that name, instant disconnect because I can do better and be with someone with more respect and intelligence. I think if anyone finds it okay, they should review how people really see them.

This. If there’s nothing else going on I wouldn’t be leaving a relationship where he’s muttered one name when he didn’t think I was there. But if there’s a load of negative behaviour….

This👆

He was probably just letting off steam. It's a satisfying word for that! He didn't actually mean you to hear it. Holidays can be stressful for relationships.

Has anyone ever heard of micky Flanagan casual c#@!£ it's hilarious! Sometimes I think people say things they don't mean they're just angry at the time, whether to your face or under their breath, it really doesn't call for a divorce! I use that word all the time it doesn't mean anything to me it's just a swear word, sticks and stones and all that! (I swear like a fisherman's wife though lol, dh never really thinks anything of it!) And in an argument I swear like a trooper outloud, under my breath, fingers up the lot, same for dh but of course that is just us, again usually 5 mins later we're made up, we've been married 17years and know what buttons to press and also realise whats worth the enormous arguments and whats not! It wouldn't be a make or break situation for me! It's really a non issue!

Its not a nice word, but y'know - "Sticks and stones etc". If he was screaming it in your face, then that would be quite different.

If he was tired and grumpy and you'd just have a fight it's definitely apology worthy but otherwise let it go. Marriage is about a lifetime partnership. If you think people get to 25/30/50 years without saying something dumb or having a row occasionally then you're not facing reality.

My DH hates going on holiday I've realized. It brings out the worst of him. I've since worked out what he does want from a holiday and the grumpy arguments are far fewer. If like mine, he's usually a kind and loving person then just get on with things. If it's highlighted that you actually can't stand each other then time to call it a day.

No wonder there is so many broken homes nowadays 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely agree with @pollymere

Talk this out with him easy for others to say end of

Exactly this
Sometimes communication is key, there is an underlying issue he may not be addressing and can easily go past

How awful and what a very nasty thing to say about someone you are meant to love.
The answer can be found in my question to you OP…. Will any amount of sorry’s make you forget about this experience?
Good luck ☺️

YABU

I hate the word but I have used it in anger before, directed at my DH. Not something I'm proud of. I love my DH very much and i don't actually think he is one. It's not like he shouted the word at you either!

It’s a word

It's a word. I'm aware I'm in the minority here but it's not something I can get hung up about. Why is that word different to any other swear word? Would you have been bothered if you'd heard him calling you something different? Fu£&er? Sl&g? Sl@t? Bi£th? I love the Micky Flanagan casual c£&t routine. I choose not to give power to a word, it can't hurt me.

I have often called my husband a prick out of earshot and I’m sure he’s called me plenty of names. We’ve been together 20 years in total. We don’t argue much but on the odd occasion we have a heated debate over something or nothing and need a cooling off period before we can shake it off. If he said it to my face (not that he ever would) i would probably fly back with something myself. I’m not overly precious about words, especially after a blow up where things can get distorted and easily slip out in frustration, it’s venting whatever is said and should be addressed later on when things are calm. I get called this and worse at work by teenagers so it’s water off a ducks back to me. Sticks and stones and all that.