To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

We live with severe allergies, so while different, understand the implications of being served unsafe food. We carry epipens for context.

They don’t care. It’s that simple. If they cared about your DH they wouldn’t do this to them.

It is easy to avoid unsafe food when cooking yourself. Especially when it’s someone you love and care for. Yes it takes more time to think about it and read labels. But it’s not rocket science.

They clearly don’t take his diagnosis serious.

Your DH is an adult though - he needs to take control and say he won’t eat with them again.

My mother does this - she nearly killed me before I put a stop to it. I never eat near her. It is very odd - I know she loves me, but now we eat at home or take food.

Yes I agree.
There are lots of people who are well meaning when it comes to catering for my DS. But it's hard! There is a lot he can't have and making meals that are safe for him but still tasty is something that takes time to perfect and I don't expect people to be able to be able to cook something straight off that has taken me years to perfect. But some people do take offence if you suggest it can be tricky. DS is very long suffering and, bless him, over the years he's eaten without complaint some vile stuff that people have "made specially" for him because he knows they have made a lot of effort. But if we are unsure it is safe, no matter how much trouble someone has gone to then he doesn't eat it, full stop. I don't go out of my way to upset people but I always have and always will go out of my way to ensure my son's safety and have taught him to do the same.

@Dippidydoppidydoo sadly, many people do not realise that even just using utensils between the dishes causes contamination enough to make someone quite ill!

I have a (thankfully mild!) peanut allergy and a girl at work made some cakes. I asked if they had peanuts in them because of my allergy, got told no.

Immediately after eating, my mouth and oesophagus felt like they were on fire - I was stood with someone who said to her (conversationally) "How did you make these?". She listed the ingredients... which included peanut butter 😩

The funny thing is that it still didn't dawn on her after she said "peanut butter" 😂

@Vancouver2024 Own brand yeast extracts are often OK. I use sainsbury own brand reduced salt yeast extract and that's GF.

Same here. I had no idea that a lot of gravy granules etc contain gluten until gluten-intolerant SIL produced her own when having Sunday lunch at MIL's. And I didn't know about beer containing gluten, either, until someone mentioned it upthread and I checked.

Her partner doesn't eat any vegetables apart from potatoes, and won't eat fish or anything "foreign", which is why they've never been invited for a meal here. Trying to think of something they'd both eat is simply too taxing.

My friend's husband is coeliac. She says they have to take food for him and even his own utensils round when his family do meals because they don't seem to understand about contamination. Very selfish and annoying!

My MIL doesn't believe in things like being dairy or gluten free. She is adamant it's a new "fad" and can't be doing with it. My niece needs to be dairy free and I can't tell you how many times she's given her chocolate, ice cream, cheese, cow's milk instead of the dairy free alternative.

Some people just refuse to accommodate it and play dumb. The only way is not to eat their food.

You're either coeliac or you're not. You can't have just a little bit of it or be coeliac to some degree.

Its a good thing autoimmune disease that can start at any time; it is not allergy.

It is common for it to be diagnosed in adults who previously haven't had the condition - not everyone has the condition as a child.

It is genetic so you are born with the genes that cause coeliac disease. It can then be triggered by anything from taking antibiotics, having another autoimmune disease, illness, stress etc.

Sadly, there are way too many misconceptions about coeliac disease, including 'having some degree of the condition' and this makes it more difficult for the person deinv with this condition.

So she's happy to make her GD ill?

Why do the parents not stop it?

Voted YABU as he's an adult; it happens all the time according to your post so why doesn't he just refuse to eat there or take his own food? Yes they sound feckwits but you know that.

I'm a parent and am staggered that any parent would do what your mum has done.

Have these people never heard of google?

The whole family is very set in the "way things are". DH and I are constantly being given the cold shoulder because the second anything slips from what we ask his parents to do (and TBH, we're very relaxed, it's basically don't argue around DD) we stop going over (they never come here). Then we go back through the whole process of visiting for a couple of hours here and there and when she's behaved long enough, she's allowed to have DD while we aren't there. But in the last year we've had to go through this twice, because MIL just loves to lose her mind at DH for literally nothing. So at the moment, no visits for her til she apologises and proves she can not make the environment toxic.

Everyone else just accepts that that's how things are. It's just how she is. I don't understand it myself, but not my place. If my DD could be made unwell by something, MIL could be as nice as she liked, she'd never be unsupervised.

As you say his family is lovely and they are trying to make adjustments for his diet, well there is something that both he and you can do.

You could put together a list of ingredients that your DH absolutely cannot have, and things that have gluten in them that you wouldn't think would have gluten in them (such as the beer that was used as a base for the sauce I'm guessing). I'd laminate it or put it in a frame and get multiple copies so that relatives can have them on their wall and then there is zero excuse for them dropping the ball.

That is what I would do.

I think it sad that your husband family won't make a concerted effort. He needs to stop going there particularly as he is type 1.

I’d give it a week or two (so as not to arouse suspicion) and then send a message to all his family members saying that because of too many cases of cross contamination (make it sound like it happens in other areas too) he’s decided to only eat his own food when outside the home.

It sounds like they’re nice but they just don’t get it. There’s no point going in all heavy handed and making people feel guilty because it sounds like they try but they just aren’t very good at keeping his food ‘clean’.

So I’d just pretend it’s an issue across all areas of life and that ‘for now’ he’s just going to make it easy for everyone (and himself) and not eat food prepared outside the home.

I’ve said YABU because as a lot of people have said he needs to take his own food

Tbh if it's so hit & miss when family prepare food he really should have stopped trusting whatever they say long ago!

I think once, twice at the most would be it for most people.

Good intentions aren't good enough when someone's health is at stake.

I'm wondering if you could make some wall art out of some of the gluten free lists on this site:
https://www.etsy.com/ie/search?q=gluten%20intolerance&ref=auto-1&as_prefix=gluten%20intol

If you google anything you can find whatever answer you want - including that allergies etc don't exist.
I love my mum, she was a great in many ways. But she nearly killed me a few years ago as she doesn't accept I have a shellfish/crustacean/fish allergy. I was fed things that made me well unwell all my childhood but not diagnosed until I was 19. Admitting I am ill is also admitting her failings when I was in her care. But she was very young and had too many children - I get it.
Families and family dynamics are very complex and impossible to fathom. I play it safe and don't eat anything she prepares these days.

I host a lot of people, many of them gluten free. Reading this I hope I have never harmed anyone. I am well aware that soup powder, soy sauce, basically any multi ingredients manufactured product could be problematic.

Once a guest had a nut allergy. (not very severe). We told her for the first course that everything was ok, but she somehow took that to mean that everything in the entire meal was ok and ate something with nuts in the second course. She threw up and has never come back. Still feel bad about it. (and we are now meticulous about labelling and writing down all the allergens in the food)

But over the many years of hosting meals and running events I think that is the only time I know about doing something like that to someone. Sometimes I will tell people not to eat something if I am not sure.

YANBU being unreasonable being pissed off with them but your DH is not a child (I assume?), he should have clocked the situation himself and been able to deal with it himself.

Simple - only book restaurants you have chosen and take his food with him when you eat at their house. It's not complicated.

Bless you . We have now found Tesco yeast extract and GD is happy with that.

It's a nice suggestion but I really wouldn't do this.

It would be impossible to write an exhaustive list. The idea is they'd need to have a grasp of what ingredients contain gluten intrinsically, which are commonly unsafe because of contamination (certain grains), to check or omit any they're not absolutely certain of and how to prepare, store and serve food safely. I think a list would make them confident in using anything not on that list rather than having a true understanding of the issue.