To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

Just don't eat with them!!! Simples!! He's not a child, he can express his own wishes!!"

My coeliac friend will only eat at someone's house if he can help prepare / watch it being made. Might sound a bit OTT for the chef but it can be nice to have someone to hang out with while cooking, can't it? Especially in this situation, it can take the pressure off if you know the meal has been fully vetted beforehand. After several meals if he can see the person really understands the requirements he'll trust them to cook for him and won't need to supervise. Maybe your husband can try this approach.

Agree, stop eating there. I used to bring my lunch (at my ex inlaws) in a Tupperware dish and pop it in the microwave). Something like Spag bol. I hope they understand that if he carries on eating gluten he is doing some serious damage to his health.

Poor guy that's sounds horrible and that he is really unwell as a result. I imagine he mentally feels in-between a rock and a hard place because it's his family too so he doesn't want to upset anyone either. As someone who had a child with an allergy that could cause anaphylaxis it's really difficult to explain to others the dangers. The most receptive thing I found was to take food with us in their original packaging. Then say "we've brought this pie with us from Asda, we've had it before and know that it's safe". Slowly slowly planting the seed to what is safe and what is not in the hope they'd cater using that food item the next time.

For posters saying he's not bothering to ask questions, I assure you he is. He asks questions, tries to check with the host what things contain, how they've been prepared. He has spoken to his family about the disease, its impact, and how it interferes with him managing his blood sugars, which he takes very seriously and does an excellent job of ordinarily.

We always bring a side dish or something that we've prepared or purchased just so we know there's something he can eat. It's hard when a close family member who seems to understand has gone out and got special ingredients to make something for him, has told him what's in the food, has separated it all out in colour co-ordinated containers with separate utensils, has let him serve himself first so no one has a chance to cross-contaminate dishes only to then still be unwell. The reality is you just can't always know whether someone has contaminated something during preparation or forgotten about that bit of mustard or soy sauce or that butter that had crumbs in it or whatever.

Thanks so much to posters offering good advice about how to broach the subject without hurting people's feelings and making family occasions difficult. We will definitely use some of the advice from this thread to explain why he now comes with a lunchbox!

And to the posters who have similar issues with allergies and intolerances and family being clueless, you all have my sympathies. Navigating it all is bloody hard work!

Much empathy… I have coeliac disease and my son has anaphylaxis to all nuts. Mum was able to rattle off all of my brother’s likes, dislikes and intolerances and never once remembered my coeliac disease. (Despite it being super common in her family.) One night Mum made couscous that she had bought especially for me and chicken pesto pasta for my kids. She did not believe that couscous was basically tiny pasta and that pine nuts were nuts. Sigh… My daughters loved her pesto pasta…. I ended up washing everything in the dishwasher and defrosting some chicken for my son who was the most patient little kid ever, and he had the biggest bowl of ice cream you’d ever seen. Mum was never left alone in charge of the kids.

Still not understanding why you are eating with his family all the time, when this issue keeps coming up. Surely most people don’t eat with their in laws week in week out?

I think a gluten allergy is harder for people to get their head around when cooking/preparing, than, say, a peanut allergy. People think they know what has gluten in, but they don't. The OP's MIL using beer in a recipe is a perfect example.

As someone with a life-threatening allergy, I learnt as a child to question all food, take my own backup food, and turn down risky restaurants. I didn't like doing it! Sometimes it meant feeling rude or missing out, but I didn't have a choice.

Your husband just needs to learn to do the same and be clear about why he's doing it. And that might encourage his family to take it more seriously and educate themselves (or ask you both to help them learn more).

@Dippidydoppidydoo It's hard when a close family member who seems to understand … sorry but you and dh clearly both don’t understand your close family members then .. because after 5 years they still don’t understand your dh’s condition. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t be broaching anything with them diplomatically, it’s obviously not worked thus far, dh needs to tell them straight and sternly! Then he needs to take absolute responsibility for his own self!

Definitely this. I didn't realise there was gluten in stuff like mustard or beer. Also I think the other thing murkying the waters is that a lot of people who claim to be gluten-intolerant actually aren't, and in any case, there's a whole world of difference between that and coeliac disease. (I have a friend who says she's gluten intolerant but in fact she's a faddy and extremely fussy eater who's borderline anorexic and it's just another way of eliminating foods from her diet). Because of this, I think a lot of people don't take real gluten intolerance that seriously.

It’s awful that they do this to him but you’re not his mum. It’s up to him to monitor closely what he puts in his mouth.

I echo the others, clearly they aren't taking it seriously. So the only way is not to eat their food. I struggle wiith IBS so my sympathies to your husband as my flare ups can be so painful, it's that bad I'd rather give birth. (hard to avoid when eating out it's not easy)

YABU but only because your DH should be standing up to his family and taking responsibility. He is an adult.

I find it very hard cooking for coeliacs. My SIL mother has it very severely and every time she comes for a meal I find I have to stop and think about practically every single thing I'm putting in the food - double check stock cubes, wine vinegar not malt, bisto... no b;**dy way, damn did I use gluten free flour or normal... start again.

I usually play safe and feed her roast meat, veg and potatoes with red wine jus being damned careful which stock cubes (knorr are gluten free or they were last time I checked) or something like salad nicoise .. or tacos are a good option too

Even then I wait until I've heard from her the next morning before being sure I haven't hospitalised her but so far so good.

YANBU OP they need to show extra care and consideration

God, this is awful, op. Was he diagnosed later in life or did he have to put up with this piss poor effort growing up?

This it is better they are offended than him keep being made ill just to try and keep the peace but surely as an adult he should be able to work this out for himself.

He should speak to his family about it not you.

People scan the opening post in the same way as ingredients lists it seems, i.e. not very well!

First line of the op

I am a ceoliac.

This is not your problem.

It’s your husband’s problem.

I am a silent ceoliac ie I won’t get sick if I eat gluten but it creates auto immune issues for me (ceoliacs diagnosed by endoscopy).

But despite the fact I don’t get sick like your husband does… I would never repeatedly eat food where people have not made sure it’s gluten free.

OP I really understand the massive game changer that a coeliac is. Mt 4 year old GD recently diagnosed and it is overwhelming. Cross contamination is so tricky to avoid and also identifying everything that had gluten in it . Only realised a couple of weeks ago that Marmite isn’t GF.

Mt daughter and partner have now gone GF to make it more manageable at home but out and about it is a minefield as to how cafe owners etc understand cross contamination.
We are worried about when she starts school in September. Granddaughter has already become really good about asking if any food she is offered has the GF green leaf picture,bless her. It’s for life which is the hard fact to comprehend 😢

@horseyhorsey17 you are so right. I just think that people genuinely don’t understand that Coeliac is an auto immune disease and not just an intolerance/fad etc . Can honestly say that despite being a qualified nurse I was ignorant about Coeliacs until a few weeks ago when GD was diagnosed.

I’ve been labelled difficult in DHs family for pushing back about GF food.
Unfortunately my SIL is ‘gluten free’ for self diagnosed reasons, and she continues to eat loads of things that have gluten in them. Because she is ‘fine with them’ their theory is that DD with actual coeliac disease should eat them. It’s insane.
no one wants to choose to live and eat like this.

This
I have allergies, if I couldn't trust my parents not to give me food that was safe I wouldn't be eating there.
End of.

Your husband presumably can speak up for himself and say no to any food that's prepared or made by them?

He can bring his own food to family meals if he can't trust them.

Yes, they're caring, but they're not keeping him safe, are they?!
It'd be like my mum saying "whoops well there was only a little bit of egg in it" or I cracked an egg on that plate before serving up your dinner, that's alright, isn't it?!"
WTF would you keep doing that to yourself for, I'd be like "thanks but no thanks!"

OP I totally get this, especially how awkward it is to refuse something when someone has gone to the trouble of making it 'gluten free'. Obviously in an ideal world your DP would just not eat there like people are saying but equally it's not unreasonable for someone to want to join in family events and not have to bring their own food so I do think there may be some middle ground options before fully accepting he cannot eat their food if they are genuinely nice people willing to try.

Things I'd suggest:

Sit them down and have a good open chat about the long term effects of glutening and make sure they understand they are doing long term damage. In a nice, not guilty tripping way, it's just factual. It's him and them working to solve a problem, not him Vs them.

Check the ingredients they've used. I do this but say I'm sure it's fine but do you mind, it makes me feel better. Real friends don't mind and actually appreciate it. Ideally check with them before they start cooking. One of my friends likes to send me a photo of the ingredients before she starts cooking which I love.

Give them ideas of easy gf meals with the associated caveats e.g. risotto (check stock cubes), a roast (check gravy, no Yorkshires or better still gf yorkshires, no butter if the butter has crumbs in), roulade (just double check ingredients), most curries (just double check), rice noodle stir frys etc.

Offer to cook alongside them a few times to offer tips for not cross contaminating or ask if they'd like to cook with you.

If you are having, for example, pasta, ask if they are willing to all have gf. It tastes pretty much the same when hot (gross when cold) and in lots of places costs the same. No one ever notices if I cook gluten free pasta though not all brands are as good as each other. Sainsbury's own brand is great. But if they do one pan of each its a faff and the cross contamination risk is so much higher.

That may all seem like a lot to ask but if they genuinely care and want to learn it's really not. A lot of people on here saying it's a big ask to completely avoid cross contamination but I have friends that cook for me in their gluten-containing houses and my house actually has gluten in (I'm the only coeliac) and it's not that hard, it just needs open conversation and a willingness to learn. If anyone genuinely wants to best support their coeliac friends and family I'd suggest cooking naturally gluten free things (curries, meat, potatoes, rice, fruit etc), check ingredients for barley, wheat or rye (someone mentioned not knowing malt vinegar had gluten in but if they checked the ingredients it would have said barley) and if in doubt just ask the coeliac for their opinion.