To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

I'm a coeliac. Why doesn't he grow a backbone and ask his family why they are deliberately causing him harm?

Either that or he could just not put the food in his mouth.

L&P and barley malt vinegar are my only pre-schism vices. With the own-brand cereals you're too dependent upon the recipe not being changed, an assumption that becomes less reliable with every year that passes since the schism.

I got why they did it, they just did it in their usual cack-handed manner. Whilst a worth cause, CUK are bloody awful at engagement and have a terrible attitude towards making their services accessible to coeliacs. Have you noticed how their Speak To A Dietician events are always at the same time on a Friday morning - no concept that coeliac disease is not a disability that prevents you from working normal hours.

I voted YABU. Only because you keep eating there. Does your husband enjoy being ill?

you both know they don’t give a shit about him. Stop being willing participants in this

I get that it's hard.

Except it's not. Not in this day and age with totally gluten free or otherwise very aware restaurants, and a wide range of gluten free products readily available in the supermarkets.

They've had 5 years to get up to date with his needs on this and I am sure you and your husband have given them information plus there is so much good information on the internet about it too, including recipes, restaurant finders, food lists - you name it!

They are either very stupid indeed, or very controlling and passive aggressive and weird around food (which in my experience is more common than you might think).

Who would find it acceptable that their relative is getting sick because they can't sort themselves out? People with psychological problems, that's who.

Your husband would be very wise to refuse to eat at theirs from now on, I can't understand why he still is to be honest, but I understand how families can be, and I am very sympathetic that this is not only causing him illness (and it's damaging him long term, not just making him ill short term - make sure he and they know this!), but also upsetting the balance of family life more broadly. You both need to put your foot down!

They have proven themselves to be incompetent and incapable of providing your DH a safe meal on multiple occasions. They cannot be trusted. They mean well but they are continuously making your DH unwell.

You need to draw a line. Never eat what they have prepared again. take your own food.

Off topic from the thread but I wanted to be a 'cafe volunteer' - meeting coeliacs in a local cafe, through coeliac UK. I've been subjected to 2 hours of online training so far including being told to make sure we don't use the coffee machine in the cafe because it's a safety issue and having to look at a picture of a man up a ladder and point out any safety concerns. I get that they need to cover their backs if it's going to be advertised on their website but it's just so much to literally meet other coeliacs in a cafe. The only meetup currently in my city is 10-12 on a weekday.

I'd love to see their campaigning focused around how much we CAN eat and how much money restaurants lose by not having decent gf options. It's not just 1/100 people not going there if they don't, it's their family/friends who are eating with them that they lose out on too. But anyway, I agree!

My ds’ girlfriend is coeliac and is highly sensitive with it. Every packet is checked before I cook anything for her, like pp have said there’s gluten in so much. So far we’ve been ok, and no illness from my food. Before I met her I think I was ignorant to how awful the symptoms are .. maybe they just don’t ‘get it’?

I would just stop eating there tbh

I’m a coeliac and my family always accommodates me. Especially my mother, she would be mortified if she gave me something with gluten in it to make me ill. She is also aware of cross contamination but she loves me and doesn’t want me to be ill so she is careful. I think your DH’s family sounds like they don’t really care or believe it’s a problem. I can’t believe he hasn’t shared with them how ill he gets when eating their meals, he needs to speak up for himself so they understand what impact it has on him.

As a coeliac myself I take my
own food to family dinners ect as just like your husband I’ve been made ill by food not prepared by myself. They are not doing this to make anyone sick it just happens. Restaurants are another matter unless it’s a restaurant I’ve eaten in before I wouldn’t be 100% confident. It’s abit
of trial and error with eating out.

Set something up yourself via a local coeliac FB group. One that's not CUK affiliated (should be easy to find, CUK don't do social media groups).

Stop eating there and stop accepting this. Coeliac disease is serious when not controlled without starting to add in diabetes. Constant glutening does damage that takes time to heal. Why is he accepting this? It doesn’t matter how lovely they are, he either stops eating there or only eats food he takes. Not safe is not safe. Do they double dip? Do they use contaminated trays/ pans etc? So they cook gf pasta in water they’ve used for regular stuff before? If they can’t safely manage a dual kitchen to cook then this will keep happening.

Have they actually seen him when he's ill? I wonder if that would make the connection for them...

Yes, I agree with this. It's a dramatic thread title. Presumably, they're not doing it on purpose. He can make the decision for himself not to eat their food. That's what we all have to do with allergies.

Why aren't they bothering to educate themselves about coeliac disease? I don't get it.

Not quite the same but as a child I was (and still am) severely asthmatic with some of my many triggers being cigarette smoke and aerosol polishes . My late mum was a lifelong 30 a day smoker and obsessive user of Mr Sheen.

Despite it hospitalising me on numerous occasions and being told by Medics that she was making me sick, she carried on regardless. I'm fairly sure my bladder cancer diagnosis is the result of years of passive smoking as a child.

The power is in your DH's hands to change things as it doesn't sound like his family are going to take it as seriously as they need to when catering for him.

Don’t eat their food and to bring his own meals with him.

Anyone who has clicked YABU on this post should be ashamed. This is literally an allergy, and an illness, not a choice. You OP are 100% right to be fuming I would be too. My best friends sister is coeliac and she suffers so bad with it, everyone in her family are more than capable of making the correct meals as all it takes is a little bit of effort. They are being lazy and creating a huge risk for your child. I’d refuse them to look after your little one until they educate themselves. It’s pure ignorance.

Coeliac disease is not an allergy 🙄

Dippidydoppidydoo

Wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery.

For a sensitive coeliac the whole kitchen has to be gluten free due to the risk of contamination. He can eat there if the whole meal isn't gluten free. Half the table being gluten free isn't clean enough for a coeliac.

It’s really not hard at all to cook a really delicious gluten free meal. His family are arseholes.

I'm a coeliac, my Mum was diagnosed in her 60s because she was so anaemic the GP thought she had cancer. That was 30 years ago. I tried hard to ignore my own symptoms as it was difficult for other people until my reactions made me so ill I had to STOP people pleasing by just having that one bit of cake etc. It's so much easier nowadays to buy in GF free ready made meals if they're unsure what's okay? I've had many experiences in restaurants where they don't understand that it's an autoimmune response not an allergy, or a choice like being Vegan. It's particularly bad when they advertise GF options. The chains are better than independent restaurants generally. Re your partner, like others said I'd say take your own food!!

Do they realise that coeliac disease is autoimmune and that by giving him gluten they are (OK it's melodramatic, but still true to some extent) slowly killing him?

You can understand, if not excuse, fuck ups by people used to not thinking about where it may be 'hidden', but I'd have thought his parents would have changed their mindset and be taking it seriously!

My Dad was allergic to most types of rice. This didn't stop all his siblings from making him eat rice salads on the basis that something else must have made him ill! Eventually he just got firm enough (I suspect my Mum here!) to not be fed rice but none of them were ever careful. I always thought I was allergic to chilli but it turns out I'm allergic to certain types of rice too.

My MIL has tried to feed me and my DC our allergens but luckily we've realised in time.You just need to pack a bag with food and live off snacks if you're staying with them. The restaurant contamination issue was poor though - no coeliac should face that.

Ask what's in the dinner and just don't eat it if it's got gluten in. He needs to learn to ask and be firm by not eating things which aren't safe. Start bringing pre-prepared food and eating that if they really don't want to listen. It's rude but so are they for not listening.

He needs to check with them before he attends any more family get together exactly what they are cooking , how it is cooked , remind them and check again and again . It isn't nice but it's the only way they will get it into their heads.
On the plus side I would know what everyone is having for Christmas this year.
A gluten free cook book . 😉