To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

A problem that’s easy to solve.

As others have said, he needs to take his own food.

He needs to stop eating at theirs. I have a severe allergy, and if I'm not sure, I simply decline to eat. He's an adult.

E.g. no one forced him to eat at the pie shop. He could have put his foot down for the sake of his own health.

I would also query whether your husband truly understands gluten free? He is ultimately responsible for what he eats so why is he constantly taking risks and trusting other people that his food is safe? My dd3 is 12 and she is well able to question restaurant staff and family and will not eat anything unless she is fully confident it is safe

Sorted. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..

Also, let him take responsibility for this, you've got other things to spend your energy on by the sounds of it at the moment.

So, presumably he's been coeliac to some degree since childhood? I'm guessing his family must have minimised/ ignored his condition for a long time?

Why on earth would you eat at a pie shop?!!! I just take my own food if I think there might be an issue. It’s up to him to speak to restaurants beforehand to gauge how suitable they are going to be.

As a coeliac I trust my family because they've made a lot of effort to understand the condition - and as there's an inherited component to it, it is in their best interests. But I really struggle with friends and acquaintances, and new venues for eating out.

My simple question is, why does he keep going back for more punishment?

If they keep cocking up then stop visiting for meals. If they're struggling to understand point them to the CUK website and their simple, plain language guides to CD and gluten-free.

With the knock-on effect to his T1, he really can't take the risk of his family's cooking if this is a persistent problem.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.
I don't get the relevance of this. Unless you (as a couple) have been forcing him to suffer the consequences of his mother's gluten mistakes just to maintain the childcare relationship.

Honestly I feel very sorry for him but ultimately he has enough evidence now to make different choices. I have a family member with coeliac and loads of other foodstuff she cannot eat. we have been cooking for her for decades with no problems, it isn’t difficult.

Except it's totally different. The child in your example was exactly that - a child! And the adult was 100% responsible for making sure they had safe food to eat.

Whereas in this case the DH is a grown man who is responsible for his own health and safety.

I'm amazed the family is so careless - DC's best friend from primary school was coeliac and her parents were amazingly super cautious about everything food related. It was a military operation at our house when she came for a party to ensure there was no cross contamination, and we weren't even her family.

Was it like this when he was growing up as well?

I’m coeliac. Unfortunately it’s a trust process and I’ve been accidentally glutened by restaurants, friends and family.

It does suck, I think you have to just accept you can’t eat there and offer to bring food instead. I’d always tell them that they’ve slipped up because it’s a learning process.

Agree with PP, take your own food.

I voted YABU because he’s a grown man who can presumably make his own choices!

If his own mother can't even be bothered to check ingredients for gluten, she's not going to worry/understand about cross contamination issues. Different chopping boards, no wooden cooking implements, separate butter/jam etc.

I do wonder whether your DH understands fully the issues. I know it's very hard eating out as a coeliac because even if the menu says a dish is GF, CC risks are always there, but to agree to a pie specialist type place does seem silly!

Honestly, this is all on your DH. He's an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for what he puts in his body.

He knows by now that his family can't be trusted so why on earth is he still eating the food they're providing?

Yes, it would be nice if they could cater for him properly but I suspect most people don't have the equipment or preparation space to cater to a gluten free diet as you have to be so careful with cross contamination.

You just can't eat with them, or anywhere new where you're not fully confident the kitchen is able to accommodate. It's a pain and makes things like eating out a nightmare but it's really the only way to stay safe!

I've found two restaurants I'm comfortable with to not 'gluten' me, and for get together I take my own food - no one reasonable would mind once you explain. It is incredibly frustrating that people can't be bothered to learn or understand.

@Dippidydoppidydoo gluten issue here as well (no coeliac though)

Really recommend digestive enzymes (GlutenEase from Enzymedica are the best)…if he happens to eat there again ! life saviour!

Of course he needs to not eat their food, but what most posters are missing is the why.

Why are they not taking care? Do they not ‘believe’ in his serious health condition? Are they ignorant of what to serve? Do they not understand how tiny the traces of gluten can be to cause damage? Do they understand the longer term consequences on his health of continuing to eat gluten?

If my (adult) child was diagnosed I would do everything I could to help. I’d even do an online GF cookery course. He needs to have an open conversation with them.

For example,

Mum, last time I ate with you at <venue>, I was up all night with y symptoms. Not only does it mean time off work and feeling poorly. Every time this happens it causes my blood sugar to go out of control and damages my gut a little more and which could necessitate needing <surgery, etc>.

I want to eat with you on family occasions because you’re my family and I love you, but unless there’s change, I cannot. This makes me feel <insert emotion>. What can we do to fix this? How can I help?

And on another note, if any commercial food outlet claims to be serving GF food and it makes you unwell, please report them to the Environmental Health department at your local council. They have a problem with staff training and or management of cross contamination.

If he's got to this age without them caring about the fact that he can't eat gluten, it's entirely possible that they just don't give a fuck, or think he's exaggerating the effects to garner sympathy/attention. (I bet he gets called "fussy".) Not every family is nice and caring.

Sending them a message like that might well be met with accusations of being overly dramatic if the dynamic is as I suspect it is.

Cease eating with them completely.

Best take his own food from now on if eating at one of their houses. If eating out, they need to tell him where so he can contact them a head of going.

This is for your dh, as a grown adult to manage.

Just take your own

Not necessarily.

The simple answer is don't eat with them . I have coeliac, most people understand and go out of their way to not make me sick, some people just don't think it's as serious as it is and don't understand the repercussions. I can't just have a little and be OK.