To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

It doesn't sound like they're cunts, just that they've made mistakes.
There's a big difference between wheat-free and completely uncontaminated with gluten. The SIL probably went to an effort to ensure half the food was gluten free, but then might have accidentally used a knife or chopping board that was contaminated. It's really hard to cook gluten and gluten-free foods in the same small family kitchen and keep it totally separated.
Same with the beer - easy mistake to make. If you asked 100 random people in the street if beer contains gluten, how many would know?

I can't see how the parents can be blamed for the DH eating gluten free options in a restaurant and getting ill.

Figuring out everything that has gluten in can be quite complicated for someone who is only trying to cater for it occasionally.
I have a friend who is gluten intolerant - so slight cross contamination not a problem but definitely have to avoid foods with gluten in them. I've done a lot of label reading and once had an on the day panic when something we were preparing had soy sauce in - and we're 5 miles from the nearest shops which may or may not stock GF soy sauce. Fortunately friend lives locally and had a bottle which we were able to collect.
I also have a SIL who is coeliac. I don't very often need to cook for her family but when I do, I stick to plain things (meat and 2 veg - with gravy made with cornflower). I now also have a repertoire of gf puddings/cakes so that's not a problem.

But it all takes time - not something everyone is blessed with. Plus you don't know what you don't know.

So your DH needs to take his own food to family meals until such time as he can properly educate his family - and by that I mean give them a comprehensive list of foods he definitely can't eat plus instructions on not mixing utensils used in any gluten containing foods being cooked ( although giving everyone gf on the day would be a far better option).If however they don't want to be educated then he needs to stick with supplying his own food.

cornflour even!

Host at your home.

My 8 year old knows how to avoid poisoning me with gluten so I always call BS on otherwise competent adults who "can't understand it". They don't want to or they can't be bothered. It's easy if you just read up on labelling and avoiding cross contamination.

@ToothofaPig thank you for your post. This is exactly it. If they just didn't care or try to cater for him then it would be easy to simply say he's not eating with them anymore. His family cook and eat together regularly and have done all his life. His mum loves finding new ingredients and recipes and enjoys making things he can have. It's shit always having to be awkward and say thanks but no thanks, knowing the effort (and often expense) people have gone to.

@Dippidydoppidydoo yes, my DH feels the same. It would be a lot easier if they just could just leave him to it and manage their own feelings about the situation. Think they need a family therapist to navigate it

My GF and one of my friends have coeliacs and I now only do dishes that everyone can eat, otherwise the risk of cross-contamination is just too high, so perhaps that's something he could gently suggest? I find it much easier too.

Being proactive and volunteering to bring GF dishes too might work - cuts down on the cost for them too? I am veggie so often do that too, cuts down on the organization for the host!

All due respect OP, but if your DH willingly ate something he was told was cooked in beer... he really does need to be a bit less passive. And if his family actively made a beer-based dish for a coeliac... they also need to try a bit harder.

Well this exactly, there's clearly no malice but they don't sound the brightest and he doesn't sound the best communicator. Rather than let it rumble on as an issue at all, just remove the problem from the table by him providing his own food. No monitoring or worrying needed and the nice family dinners can continue. He can say to his sister 'i appreciate you trying but it's hard in a domestic kitchen to prevent cross contamination so I'm going to stick to this way from now on. The symptoms the next day just aren't worth the risk. Nothing personal'.

He did - there’s an issue over cross contamination in non gluten-free kitchens. The issue is that is a full allergy, not an intolerance, which many restaurants don’t really appreciate - they simply want to tick a marketing box with no understanding of how ill a full allergic reaction to gluten can make people. Unless it’s nuts/peanuts, no-one understands.

Like @JustMarriedBecca , I had no idea the extent of the dietary restrictions until my diagnosis. I didn't even know that coeliac is an autoimmune disease - I assumed it was an allergy. Even now I probably explain daily that "Yes just one biscuit will hurt". I was in a four star hotel a few weeks ago who "cater for dietary requirements." There was two packets of GF cornflakes, half a gf loaf but the toasters were on the main buffet. Ignorance is rife.

DD2 (also diagnosed coeliac) is a bit more direct than me. Her response is "That biscuit/sandwich/cake will increase my likelihood of bowel cancer. I don't want to die."

I carry cereal bars and bananas around with me so I always have something to eat.

My niece is coeliac my sister just brings her dds food places. Like mine for a family BBQ last year. I had offered and she does (I think) trust me but said she is just more comfortable bringing her own. I guess that's her kind way of saying she doesn't trust me😂which if fine she does not want to risk DD getting sick. think you DH is annoyingly going to have to bring his own food in future.

@DreadPirateRobots He didn't! No way would he ever knowingly make himself unwell. His mum cooked some meat and said it was gluten free (pretty low risk food on a plate on its own so he trusted it and ate some). Only later did it become apparent that it was cooked in beer when I overheard his mum telling someone else that's how she'd prepared it.

It's not a fad, it's not a preference or even an intolerance it's an actual illness. If his family can't be respectful enough to cater to his NEEDS then stop eating with them or take a meal with you that is suitable for him. Cross contamination is difficult to avoid in a domestic situation (not impossible but it does take a lot of effort to avoid any possibility) even eating chips from a fryer that has been used to cook battered fish (for example ) can cause problems. Hope you and your DH recover soon 💐

Well that's something. His DM is clearly not where she needs to be in terms of knowledge though, and while that's true then not eating anything he hasn't either made himself or thoroughly vetted himself is going to be necessary. It's even more critical for him than someone who "only" has coeliac given that he's also a T1 and the impact of unmanaged blood sugars. It's astounding that his family haven't tried harder to learn - has he really spelled out to them the severity of the potential impact on him?

If they can’t ensure the food is gluten free then I would just say you can’t eat with them any more, or take my own food. It’s unacceptable for him to be ill every time he eats with them and you all having to deal with the impact.

The cross contamination issue is major as well.

My daughter in law was glutened because I drained her gf pasta in a culander that had been used for normal pasta.

I have a whole separate cupboard of only gluten free implements now.

I don't understand how they can keep getting this so wrong! My adult son is Vegan, and I have never served him anything that's non Vegan (since he became vegan). I read the packets of everything. It's actually quite surprising how many Vegetarian foods are not suitable for Vegans. But if you read the ingredients, it's not difficult to buy the right stuff. 😳

Then your DH needs to be more proactive, he needs to ask questions about every single thing. If he had gravy with the beef he needs to ask what did they use to thicken it ? Etc.

DH has always had migraines. Totally out of it for about 12 hours. Not so much after we were married unless we visited his family. Thought it was stress until I realised it was his mother’s home made brew. He didn’t like it but didn’t want to be rude.

5yrs is a long time for them not to have a handle on it!

Tbh I wouldn't be giving something cooked in beer to someone with diabetes, let alone coeliac disease.

Sounds like his mum needs a reminder of what is and what is not ok and to read the label of absolutely every ingredient as many things that you would not expect to contain gluten, do in fact contain it. Also that whilst the alcohol may cook off, the gluten won’t magically disappear.

It sounds like his family don't take it seriously. Maybe they think it's another fad.

Unfortunately, coeliac that isn't managed well can make someone VERY sick, never mind when Diabetes is involved!

Your DH needs to set stronger boundaries and take food for himself.

I have some sympathy. There are small amounts of gluten in some really unexpected things, condiments etc. Most people simply don't realise how little contamination can make someone really unwell.

Its very very difficult. Friends i have who are coeliac tend to do one of 3 things

• host & cook themselves
• take their own food
• take the lead in asking to see recipes or offering changes/substitutions
• ask about restaurants ahead of time and suggest alternatives