To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

I think one of the main issues is that most homes aren't set up to manage a gluten intolerance.

The food itself may be "gluten free" but if they're using the same utensils, oven trays and chopping boards as they are for the "normal" food then everything is going to be contaminated.

A friend of mine is gluten free and if she comes over, she gets unopened packs of gluten free food so that I can guarantee not to contaminate her.

Take your own food.

It sounds really hard but it has obviously got to the point where it's happened enough times that he needs to take responsibility. He can bring his own food, which sucks but it's just the way it is.

I'm not sure they can really be blamed for cross contamination. Anyone would think there being a gluten free option would be sufficient.

He needs to take a packed lunch with him whenever you go there. Sorry OP it is very hard when people lump coeliacs in with gluten avoiders and assume they’re “faddy” rather than ill.

Yanbu. Has he explained to them just how seriously ill he gets and that even a crumb of bread can contaminate the butter etc? I have a coeliac family member but have been made aware how serious this is and I check and double check every ingredient and packet before I cook for them as it’s too serious not to.

He needs to just not eat at their houses and be unapologetic about it - his health comes first. Also don’t agree to eat at restaurants that he hasn’t chosen or at least been able to check that they will be suitable. He needs to take responsibility for what he’s eating and not worry about offending people if he’s not 100% sure something is ok to eat.

He needs to be assertive

Take his own food when he visits them. Talk directly to the kitchen at restaurants and decline the invitation if the kitchen can't guarantee his food is suitable.

What he can't do is carry on eating food that by now he knows is likely to be harmful to him.

So if he has a face to face conversation with his Mum, (not sending a message! )And finds out that they are doing it because they ‘don’t give a fuck’, he needs to know so he can distance himself and focus on relationships with family and friends who do give a fuck about him. It’s an emotionally unhealthy limbo to be in. You wouldn’t stay in touch with relatives that punch you in the face every time they see you, would you? You wouldn’t just brush that kind of behaviour under the carpet.

But in all likelihood it’s ignorance / denial. People can be diagnosed with celiac disease as adults. It could be a newish development that the family is still adjusting to, that could be improved with some honesty and practical information.

If he doesn’t ask, he won’t know.

And if eating out, contact the restaurant in advance with dietary requirements. Some require notice to cater to specific diets.

No way is this true. I mean for a start why would your dh eat somewhere that 'virtually' every time he ate there he is ill?

secondly why would you be posting for your adult husband when clearly he's not that bothered - see above 😂

Venue? Commercial outlets? - it's stuff they're cooking themselves.

READ the OP properly, she’s talking about meals in homes and food eaten out.

The symptoms/illness can develop any age.

He states he was diagnosed 5 years ago. Coeliac disease isn't always something you're born with. There are two parts to developing the condition, the inherited gene and a trigger that initiates it. Most of the coeliacs I know were, like me, diagnosed well into adulthood.

Or better, he gets to choose where to eat based on his knowledge of where is safest.

Taking him to a pie shop as "their treat" is what gives away the fact that they don't give a fuck, IMO.

That and cooking the meat in beer. That's not accidental cross-contamination because of crumbs in the butter - it's choosing to use a sizeable quantity of an ingredient that they must have known full well contained gluten.

Your ‘dh’ can’t be that bothered about if he continues to eat there despite being made ill every time. He is an adult and surely as it’s his family it’ll be easier for him to say sorry mum I’m eating my own food just now due to symptoms etc if he doesn’t want to outright say they are not taking it seriously.

what’s you going into hospital got to do with anything, your husband will need to do what you do when you’re there cook, clean and take care of the kids and feed himself food that won’t contaminate home almost self sabotage if he doesn’t isn’t it! Yes it would be nice if family where a bit more helpful but they’ve proven otherwise sadly, he will just need to get on with it and cope as we all do, or stand up to them. It’s his choice.

It's really hard, but I think he needs to take more responsibility for himself here now. He knows now that he can't eat with them - whether it is lack of care, accident or ignorance it doesn't really matter the outcome is still the same.

I have a sibling with coeliac, "everything down one side of the table is GF" just wouldn't cut it. Cross contamination at the point of cooking for a large group or during serving is just too likely, and that's before you add in people who don't really "get it".

I have to admit that in the early days I accidentally poisoned a coeliac friend twice. One time with soy sauce and another time with a stock cube. It never occurred to me at the time that flavouring might have gluten in it. I was completely mortified so now I just make the whole meal GF for everyone and am a bit obsessive about label checking. There's not been an incident since, thankfully.

It sounds like his family either don't understand or aren't taking it seriously. If you otherwise get on with them, the only way round it is to take your own food and if you're eating out, check the restaurant menu beforehand (and ring ahead to check about cross contamination).

@Dulra poor bairn, she's doing really well though. The teenage years are very tough. I hope she's not too tempted by just wanting 'to be normal'.

@Dippidydoppidydoo it's all been said really. DH needs to find his voice!

He needs to take responsibility for the food that he consumes when it's clear that his family are willfully ignorant about his needs.

They're not making much effort to keep him safe and well, and he needs to put his health before any hurty feelings they have over the issue.

It's disappointing that they're not putting in a sensible effort into keeping their loved, family member well, but he can only control his actions, not theirs.

Basically what everyone else has said.

1. Stop eating at their house
2. Take his own food
3. He chooses where to eat if you eat out, or you just don't go with them
4. He needs to take responsibility and stop being so passive

This is a health issue and if I was in his shoes I would not be afraid to offend them if they couldn't meet my needs.

Why are u eating at his family’s if they do this utter madness.

I voted yabu - you know they don't give a shit so why does he eat there?

It does seem odd his parent who cooks seems rather lackadaisical—- beef in beer ( why? That’s hardly necessary) that might have been burned off. Sounds like sabotage which is a very odd thing to do with a loved ones health.
Only answer is he takes his own food to eat from his own container or take a plate so cross contamination can’t occur.
And choose eating out locations with care. Pie shop type places are a firm no. He needs to be assertive.

This is a grown up with his own voice we are talking about? He does not need you to be his mother

You need to stop eating there. Host them at yours or choose the restaurant or find non eating related things to do together. It's rubbish, but some people just don't get it and aren't bothered enough to learn how to do better.