To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

Lots of people think gluten equals bread and don't think beyond that. Not realising that beer, stock cubes, soy sauce etc. contain gluten is really very common so i think it's just as likely to be careless as malicious.

I accidentally glutened myself a couple of times when I was first diagnosed.

The in-laws aren't responsible for a pie shop selling items labelled as gluten-free that have been cross contaminated.

I think people are being unfair to claim the in-laws don't care. When eating out they found a place with several GF options. When eating in they provide GF options. The issue seems to be they don't understand cross contamination. Which isn't uncommon, as demonstrated by the pie shop. The OP's husband needs to take a bit more responsibility in educating them or taking his own food. If he never tells them he gets ill from eating at theirs then they will think they've got it right.

Another vote for your dh to just bring his own food, it's probably ignorance at the extras added to food, my sil is celiac and i set her off a few weeks back with a dish i have made her many times because, while I knew there were certain stock cubes i cant use so i substitute stock pots where needed, they until that time were always fine but I had used Knorr ones, I got a different well known brand that wasn't suitable- i felt so bad but she told me i'm one of the few people she's always happy to eat in their home as i look at things like soy sauce, perto, using a different dish to prevent cross contaminations, and even when cooking for herself she makes mistakes when manufacturers change recipes.

You are being unreasonable to think they are responsible outside their home, DH's family are in no way responsible for contamination if he ordered GF at a restaurant even if the place they picked was very gluten intense if the place said it had a gf dish that's not their issue and he should contact restaurant immediately.

Your husband either has to have an informative conversation with his family about this , or take his own food every time. As a previous poster said sometimes people don’t realise how many things actually contain gluten or how meticulous food prep must be. Hope all goes well with your surgery Op.

They don't sound like they're being deliberately nasty, just sound ignorant.
I would stop eating there tbh, DH should take a packed lunch next time you're invited over. If they're offended or ask why then say because last xxx number of times I've eaten here I've been up all night ill and I just can't risk it.
That might make them take it more seriously but I don't know if I'd want to risk it again!

There's only one way to deal with it.
Stop eating at their houses or at venues that they choose.
I'm sure your husband is grown up enough to take control of and check what and where he eats

Your husband is an adult, normal functioning? So what is HE doing to preserve his health? Sorry, I bring my own food and I do not eat at restaurants as I have´t a clue what they put in the food. Done.

Hos family sound like cunts. Can you just stay away from them?

if not, then he really needs to be -) taking his own food ( which absolutely sucks!) or asking very specific questions about food prep, storage and examining labels.

Was he diagnosed late in life? Don’t any other family members have coeliacs? I’m just wondering how in earth he survived as a child with a family this clueless 🙄

Fucking Bastards!

I voted YABU, he needs to take responsibility for his own health. He should take his own food when going to his family

It's his problem. I know how it feels having surgery and being forced to let your DH mind the kids, but it's his problem if he's sick.
Not yours. So I would absolutely nothing.
I wouldn't be making remarks to his mother either. Not your job.
Nor would I be belitting his family to him and painting them as uncaring. They don't understand coeliac because your DH is pretending everything is fine.

He knows there's gluten in beer. If his mother cooks that and he eats it then that's his issue.

He can't say No to his mother. He has to start bringing food around to her place if only to show her he needs a special diet.

Hope the surgery goes OK and you make a speedy recovery.

DH needs to take control and provide his own food at gatherings or check restaurants ahead of time. It's just not worth the fallout for his own health. They're not deliberately poisoning him, they have shown they don't understand his complex condition and its restrictions e.g. cross contamination. He can provide more information so they can at least buy in suitable snacks etc but it is probably easiest to provide his own food. Or ask that they buy ready made GF meals and he prepares them.

The restaurant wasn't their fault if told it had GF options but the beer thing shows a complete lack of knowledge. Alcohol 'cooks off' to some extent, not gluten. Has he had any discussions since diagnosis about what he can and cannot consume before accepting their invitations to cook for him? It really is his responsibility.

The place you all are out at isn’t their fault:

It had gluten free options. Why did your husband check out the place first? It’s not his parents fault there was cross contamination.

and actually there’s nothing to suggest the incident at his sisters was anyone’s fault. The good very well may have been gluten free on that side. Doesn’t mean it’s a gluten free environment. Doesn’t mean it was contaminated by the sister or during cooking. You are in someone’s home with lots of people it can happen by accident.

the beer incident is bad. But I know lots of people who don’t know it’s not gluten free but she should have looked.

Ultimately he is responsible for himself. In the situation like at his sisters where there was allocated gluten free food and then allocated no GF food he must have known the risk of contamination was high. Obviously, you all trusted the place you went to eat or you wouldn’t have eaten there. And he could have not eaten what his mum made.

He has to take action to keep himself well and stop eating in high risk situation, even if that’s taking his own food.

Coeliac disease can develop in adulthood

Ah, yes. Just realised the OP said that he was diagnosed five years ago , literally in her opening sentence 🤦‍♀️

My DH is coeliac and I get it. Lots of good advice on this thread from others who understand how difficult it is for non-coeliacs to truly appreciate what is involved in preparing safe GF food in a non GF environment.

One thing I would add is that there may be an emotional/psychological side to consider. Is your DH a bit of a people pleaser? Mine is, and what he has found very difficult to deal with is the emotional emphasis on everyone being able to eat as a family. His mum basically shows a lot of her love (like many mums probably), through preparing food for her family. She has tried to get to grips with the GF requirements but DH just isn't able to trust her cooking because she does a lot of baking in her kitchen and the counters are not always clear of flour etc. When DH rejects her food she feels personally rejected and gets upset and angry about it. It's really horrible to see played out. He then has to reassure her that all is well and it's not her fault etc. It's strange because his whole family totally understand on a logical level what his requirements are but can't emotionally cope with their food being rejected. It's even situations like someone will bring a box of gluten free biscuits for him. But he doesn't actually like or eat biscuits. They get cross because they have gone out of their way to buy something GF for him.

The other thing is going out to eat and inviting people round are social occasions. They aren't just about eating food. When you start saying "I can't go to that restaurant" or "I don't want to eat your food", you feel like an absolute party pooper and someone who just basically ruins social events. It can be very difficult to speak up, knowing it's not going to go down well. Also, people get uncomfortable seeing someone eating out of tupperware when they are tucking into a really tasty dish that has been prepared. This can then turn into passive aggressive comments like "why aren't you eating this, it hasn't got gluten in it"... It's very very difficult. I can imagine some situations where coeliacs feel so bad about being a debbie downer that they throw caution to the wind.

It's hard work but your DH has to communicate his needs and, sadly, often reassure people that he is fine eating his own food etc. I wish I could be more positive but it's a constant struggle with some members of his family to this day (diagonsed 13 years). My family seem a bit better about it but they aren't always trying to please him, so to speak, as there isn't that emotional side to it there.

There is a funny lady on insta who is a coeliac and she has just done a funny reel about mum's of coeliacs. Check it out - @ howtocoeliac Will make you laugh (though the tears) 😂

It's difficult not to offend family - I have gluten and other intolerances but your DH has to set up here. Kindly- his is a grown man and has to bring his own food and be more proactive with his diet and what he puts in his body.

• he is

If this was a child then it would be your responsibility but he’s an adult and should be capable of working this out himself, surely he should always check food and if unsure not eat it? His family sound horrid but I think rather than you getting involved it needs to be him

It's frustrating that his family is not willing to do the work to support him on this. I know from a few coeliacs I've met over the years that it's not as simple as avoiding wheat. I have a friend who is gluten intolerant, but not coeliac, so she's quite happy to eat at my house as log as I'm not providing actual wheat based food. But I'm aware that if she was actually coeliac, I'd have to take a different approach. I don't think it's bad that lots of us don't know this. But it is bad that his family is so indifferent to the issue.

Thank you for all your input. Of course you're all right and the only way forward is to bring his own food to family events and not go to eat out at places he hasn't been able to vet first, which is what we'll have to start doing now.

His family don't not give a shit, are very lovely, and have been mortified every time he's told them they've made him unwell. This is what makes it harder. They're definitely trying to cater for him, and we've had some lovely meals together since his diagnosis that he's been absolutely fine after. We've spoken to them about cross contamination and about common foods you wouldn't think contain gluten that do so we thought they were on it.

I hear that it sounds like he's being too passive, and it's true that he has sometimes discreetly just not eaten anything rather than make a fuss. It is difficult when someone makes a point of cooking a special gluten free thing (as happened yesterday) that they've gone out of their way to buy special ingredients for to say you don't trust it and won't be eating it. But yes, this is what will have to happen henceforth.

For posters confused about why I mentioned going into hospital, I'm just frustrated that he's unwell again when I need to rely on him over the next few days is all. I think he has underplayed how unwell these attacks make him and how much they impact our family life, which will have to change going forward. I'm just frustrated on his behalf really!

Don’t eat with them again.

It does sound like your DH needs to take some control/responsibility for what he eats and not rely on his family to provide gluten free food.

For whatever reason, they're not able to do so to the extent he needs.
Providing 'gluten free options' is pretty different to avoiding any contamination to a level suitable for someone who is coeliac. Realistically that's hard to do in a home kitchen where there are lots of gluten containing foods too.

I remember 30 odd years ago, my (lovely, but v. trad.) MIL being really thrown by the fact that I was a vegetarian. I often used to offer to bring my own food to family meals/gatherings, and was almost always gratefully taken up on the offer! I’d rather eat my own food than be constantly on the alert, I think.

I would purchase something ready made that can be microwaved when you get to their place - take his own food and eat it. There is no way I would give my SIL food containing gluten, its unfair to make someone ill. If they are not listening or understanding then its safer to take your own ready made food and eat that.

Id also explain that each time you visit sadly he is very ill afterwards and its got so bad that action has to be taken as it could affect his longterm health.

Maybe they will then realise how serious it is but regardless you ll both know he will not be unwell after a visit.