To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

It's very different to be fair with a lot more scope for accidental error. The beer marinade, ok, that was stupid but you can't make a vegan seriously ill from using the wrong implement or serving foods too close together. It actually sounds from update like the sister has tried re ingredients but cross contamination has happened.

Tbh if I was to cater for any coeliacs (I don't know any) I would probably, with apologies offer either the best ready made GF meal I could buy, or ask them to bring their own as I make sourdough in a smallish kitchen and wouldn't feel confident about cross contamination from the flour even after a good clean

He can call restaurants and ask about their GF processes though

As many others have said I think his only option is to stop eating there or take his own food going forward.

I think the biggest issue is many people think coeliac is just lack being vegetarian or lactose intolerance or gluten intolerant whwre foods just upset or don't agree, or where it's a lifestyle choice. Until my mum was diagnosed I probably thought this too, they don't realise it's actually an autoimmune condition and can cause lasting effects.

It's frustrating his family can't get it together, and pretty poor restaurants are serving foods as gluten free when there is cross contamination taking place but unfortunately it sounds like he will just have to take it into his own hands

My DD is coeliac and it's not difficult to cater for at all. I don't understand how non coeliac people think it's such an inconvenience. When my DD is home from uni I just make the whole meal GF. Your in-laws clearly have no understanding about CD and your husband is crackers eating their food with such a high risk of cross-contamination or gluten being in the meal. Why on earth does he eat their food?

I can’t believe 17% think you are being U, this is awful. Just stop eating there if they can’t make safe foods for him.

I voted she was being U, because her DH isn't being proactive. He should be asking questions. How many times is he prepared to get ill before he decides to take his own food, or have a proper conversation with his family about it.

Your DH already knows most ofvwhat he can/can't eat.

It's a shame his family won't cater for him. Personally, I have lots of acquaintances with lots of different dietary needs, and I love to include everyone when I cook. If I was feeding someone with coeliac, I would actually give them the recipe ingredients ahead of time, and any steps I take to avoid cross contamination, to check they can eat it - or if they need me to do something differently.

I would never be offended if someone chose to bring their own food (although I would work harder in future at trying to make things they can eat). If anyone is offended at someone with an allergy bringing their own food, they really need a long hard look at themselves.

My friend is coeliac* *and she said what people don’t understand is that coeliacs aren’t just on a gluten free diet they have a disease. When going to restaurants she has to explain that utensils can’t be shared as cross contamination makes her ill. Most chefs understand and are very careful.

I contacted a very popular restaurant in our town and they said they had a gluten free menu. When we arrived she was presented with a vegan menu! They clearly didn’t understand.

I would say call any restaurants yourself beforehand and have a conversation with them.

Maybe your husband shouldn’t even consider eating food from a pie shop due to the high risk of cross contamination.

Don’t eat at his parents home. They obviously find it too difficult to make suitable gluten free meals for your husband. I found out that even things like some beetroot’s on jars, sauces and other things have wheat in them so you have to be really careful.

They must be idiots, I’d find it hard to respect them to be honest. I cooked for a coeliac tonight so I cleaned the surfaces, opened a new peanut butter since toast knives would have gone in the open one, left out dark soy sauce and double checked any ingredients I don’t use every day like onion powder.

He needs to take responsibility for his own choices.

Things like beer will often have no mention of gluten, only barley, similarly rye. Then there's oats which are only ok for coeliacs if they're gluten free certified (and some can't tolerate oats either). Its definitely not as simple as just looking for gluten on an ingredients list. I have to tell my mum to look for gluten, barley, rye, oats but then say oats are ok if they also have a gluten free label. Then you have the products that contain wheat starch but can still be labelled gluten free.

Nowhere near the same level of severity, but DD’s paternal family did this repeatedly with her lactose intolerance. Declared certain foods safe knowing damn fine they weren’t. She ended up so ill she’s refused to ever see them again, contaminating anyone’s food is unforgivable.

You (your husband, really) are potentially being unreasonable if you haven't fully educated them about this. I had no idea until recently that using a fan oven could contaminate food with gluten, for example. A lot of people wouldn't know about potential cross contamination from using wooden utensils. The beer thing was definitely bad but the glutening at the sister's meal might have been a genuine cross contamination mistake and it was reasonable for a non-coeliac to assume the gluten free stuff on a menu would be ok (although of course you know that's not always the case). He has to take responsibility and be very clear about what they need to do, if he's going to eat there. Or he has to not eat there. And he has the ability to say he doesn't trust the food at a restaurant and wants to go somewhere else.

I,m coeliac as is my sibling and my family does this too. We refuse to ear anything there and don't care if they are offended.

Agree with this. Sorry - if it keeps on happening, he needs to set up and take ownership.

It's a shame his family don't seem to have taken the time to really understand his condition, but as an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his health. It's on him as ultimately, he's the one it affects, with a knock on effect to you and dc.

It's also about more than just managing these acute episodes of illness. The continuous injury to the small intestine caused at each gluten exposure, can put coeliacs at higher risk of bowel cancer. I agree with PPs that he needs to take control and stop accepting their food, as it could have much bigger health implications in future if he keeps being exposed to gluten. His small bowel is never having a chance to heal properly. Good luck xx

We deal with veggie/non-veggie by draining/serving in a set order - veggie first, so the utensils are always clean for the veggie. We all need to at least do this- having a separate set is ideal, though, if we have the space to store them.

your husband is an adult! He should stop eating their food!

I have three friends who are coeliac. When I cook for them I check every ingredient and I meticulously make sure there is no cross containation.

Why people find this difficult is beyond me.

Given that this has been going on for five years I feel that the family are lazy because they don't check ingredients properly and they haven't educated themselves about cross contamination. As a parent I am staggered that they are so cavalier about not learning about coeliac disease. If DD became coeliac the first thing I would do is educate myself by reading up about it here https://www.coeliac.org.uk/home/

I would be so careful about ingredients and not assume that something is safe without checking online and reading the labels.

I also feel that the OP's husband could have done more to make sure it doesn't happen again by educating his family, not eating there until they learn about coeliac disease or taking his own food. I mean why has he let this go on for five whole years?

Every Christmas I cater a for a fund raiser with the charity I vounteer with and take charge of the dietary requirements - GF, vegetarian, vegan, dairy free etc. If I'm not sure about something I google it, and I read the labels on everything. The venue also has two kitchens so I can prepare food away from any contaminants.

Stop eating with them then

Personally I don’t think it’s too hard. My sister is the same and I have never made her ill. Yeah sometimes you have to think about it more but it’s not hard, such as making sure I cut her bread first before my own so there aren’t crumbs or I won’t toast her bread in my toaster and will grill it so it isn’t contaminated. Reading packets first to check for gluten. It’s laziness I’m afraid. It’s not hard to cook a gluten free meal

Sorry but your dh has to man up! His conditions are not something to be blasé about. As this has happened many times, he needs to be proactive moving forward. If he has any invites, he will have to communicate ahead to find out the exact menu, exact ingredients, and ask further once there before eating anything.

I think if you have a specific issue around food then it's your job to cater for it. I went vegan for a brief time and my parents just couldn't get their head around it, having never even cooked vegetarian meals before. They always accidentally included some animal products or only offered me raw salad. I wasn't mad at them and in the end I sent them 5 vegan recipes to use whenever I came over. They picked which one to do and whether to eat it themselves or make a separate dish. It meant the guesswork was taken out of it for them and they felt much more confident preparing something I'd pre-approved.

I don't think it's fair to expect others to cater for your specific needs entirely off their own back. These things can seem complicated to people who aren't used to it.

Best option is to bring your own food for events like buffets especially, or just eat very obviously safe foods like cucumber sticks - we check packaging for dd! Inconsiderate if I'm being generous but sounds like they either don't understand or are refusers, but being generous again perhaps they know about bread but forget about wheat etc in drink/liquid form eg i nearly messed up with soy sauce but thankfully was being vigilant

I don't eat food that people have cooked for me unless I have quizzed them thoroughly about exactly they have put in it, or stood next to them watching exactly what they've done, down to the fine detail such as stock cubes and spices which people often don't think about. I do this for anyone that isn't my close family who are all well trained by now. If I don't want to do that or don't feel confident in their abilities then I bring/prepare my own. It's a pain but it's better than being ill.

Had similar with DC's allergies for a while. We just implemented a ban on the 'offenders' giving them any food. "If you want DC to eat with you, then you have to prove you won't give them things that could kill them. Oh, you can't/won't do that? Well, then they won't accept food from you."

Health needs trump hurt feelings.

We also have a family member who has coeliac. In over a decade of them eating at our house, DH, DC and I have never (to our knowledge) made them ill through gluten contamination. It's not actually that hard.

Your DH needs to stop believing they'll change into people who'll start respecting him enough to accommodate his health needs, because they've shown that they won't. He needs to bring his own food and refuse to eat in potentially unsafe places.