To feel so Monday happy when DP goes to work

[FredFerrous]

DP just winds me up all weekend. Started this weekend on Sat morning when I just wanted some quick clarification over my salary. He ended up going off on a tangent, and just talking for ages and ages about new legislation over holiday pay.

Then - he never knows what’s going on/where we need to be/or at what time.

Sport goes on the television, minimal interaction with he children despite the fact he’s hardly seen them all week.

No housework done unless asked - however he does cook (usually something complicated requiring every utensil we own).

He uses the term ‘fresh socks’. I cringe every time he says it. Why not say clean socks??

I try to be in a room he’s not in or escape upstairs - but he starts following me about.

He wants me to hang the towel a particular way over the bathroom radiator (so the towel doesn’t potentially touch the door?? - (it doesn’t… )). Apparently this needs a 5 minute explanation. I tried to tune this out…

He’s just left for work and won’t be home til 9pm. Hurrah.

No I don’t think so. But he’s a bit emotionally unintelligent so just bumbles along.

Neither have been good partners. And I think that’s what op perhaps doesn’t understand. You can’t be a good partner to someone you actively dislike. So you either do something about it (and I’m not sure there is much to be done, once someone upsets you to this degree) or you call it quits.

Carrying on for whoever’s sake just wastes 2 people’s lives.

It's a perfectly common phrase. The little teenagers I teach arbitrarily declare random normal things cringey, and you and OP sound like them... I'm probably younger than both of you as well!

This sounds a nightmare. Do you wfh?

Do you pick up all the housework because he doesn't? Stop doing that if so.

Do you ever go out and leave him to care for the children?

This sounds like my DH to an extent. My children, both of who have autistic children, say he has signs of autism. I sometimes don't do things if there's a chance I'll do "wrong".

However he does have his good side, he was an amazing hands on dad. Sports were always spent with the children whether it was live or on telly.

However he's not such a hands on grandfather, he leaves that to me to such an extent that he got worked up when his mum & I had a girly day out and left him with his grandfather and uncle.

On the whole we've worked through 34 years together, some periods were happy others meh.

My DH is not British which is convenient because I can blame his annoying turns of phrase on that rather than him being genuinely annoying. He says fresh socks too, also "thanks God", he washes his "hairs", and for some reason "a warm meal" is the most irritating of all.

Do you wind him up as much as he does for you ? If so , maybe he's glad to leave for work too .

Money.

Lol, I can't stand my DH saying "dump" for the council "tip". We have compromised on "refuse recycling centre".

What attracted you to him in the first place? Try to remember that and book a few dates away together?

He sounds like my husband (autistic and ADHD). I found the following around especially difficult (he saw it as nice to be spending time together!!!). Very clear (blunt) communication is needed as he won't pick up on hints.

I'm sorry but I did have to laugh at some of your annoyances. I was married for 20 years and its the little things that can be so irritating and I still cringe when I run a bath - he used to say - run a bath-off (totally unnecessary second word). The mansplaining how to hang a towel when they fold them up when they are still wet 🙄so they smell when they use them again (mine were lovely and fresh as I refused to hang them his way). Words that had a 'd' added to them like dressing gownd and Mataland and drownd (eg. be careful not to drownd). Mine did the cleaning - albeit badly - and didnt have any respect for our house, slamming doors, bashing the hoover into the skirting boards and bashing walls when taking cases up the stairs. Turning the TV on, before leaving the room. I used to think that I might miss those things but nup, no way do I. My mum still has to put up with my Dad checking on the dinner and giving advice when he hasn't cooked a meal in 70 years they have been together. She's a saint in my book! Good luck and smile and wave sister!!!!😬

Speaking from bitter experience, I think once you get to this stage there's no going back.
Everything they do winds you up so much. It's not necessarily their fault, but something triggers it in you. You end up on eggshells with every nerve in your body screaming.

Him being pedantic, having to be told about housework, and not engaging with the kids won't be helping, either.
Could you manage without him, OP? It doesn't sound like much of a life for any of you, frankly.

Then his parents came round on the Sunday and their mere existence makes me want to chop off my arm just to have something to throw at them so that was lots of fun.

@JayoftheRed this made me laugh so much. I completely get that feeling

Yes this sums it up. That sinking feeling (and the contempt) is a killer.

@TitusMoan Do you think? No-one I know in real life speaks about their partner with disdain or contempt. They might be annoyed with them, or complain about something in particular, but they're not actively trying to escape their company/raging about a turn of phrase/celebrating when they leave. Maybe its just the way people type on MN, hyperbole or something.

I mentioned this thread to my husband in a light-hearted, glad-I'm-not-the-only-one, way. He didn't recognise himself at all but gave me very lengthy explanations as to why your DP's behaviour is all entirely reasonable. 🤔🥲

I do get your perspective, but 1 thing I've learnt through my dating years is that someone out there has the same needs and quirks as your partner (or thinks your partner's needs/quirks are lovely) and will make them very happy

Its heathy to spend time apart and enjoy alone time, it’s not healthy to actively avoid someone and count down the hours til they’re not around. DH’s aunt loved her husband working away all the time, now he’s retired she’s utterly depressed but feels too old to now move on. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Sounds like you’d be better without him.

Have you talked to him about the healthfulness of exercise and encouraged him to engage in it?

Do you have a back room with a pleasant view of the garden where you can spend your days most happily and see very little of him?

But should he have to tolerate this as well? Why not be honest about it and you can both decide if it's worth continuing this scenario.

You're unreasonable to wash them in the first place. If HE let's his own socks get all sweaty and dirty no need to worry about what you'd call a hypothetical clean state. Seriously, at least drop doing his laundry, it'll be one problem less.

Maybe talk to him about how you feel.Sounds like he is tired and wants to totally unwind at the weekend.You sound like you want to be more active.maybe talk to watch other properly.nothing major here..he annoys you by watching sport and you probably annoy him because too..

I wouldn't tolerate that either but mostly because I call the toilet the "dump".

How are you going to tolerate retirement with him?
Would you consider going to marriage counseling and being frank and honest with him.
It saved my DS's marriage.

I get why OP’s not leaving. Based on the poster getting her arse handed to her over on the child maintenance thread, who can blame OP? She’ll end up with a huge deficit on nursery fees which she cannot afford, and despite XH earning double her salary, he’ll have to pay her very little while he rides into the sunset, footloose and fancy-free with his ability to travel for work and go out for drinks or a meal after work. Then all of us on MN will call her out-of-touch rich because she earns £45k and tell her that she should shut up and be grateful for what she gets from XH because our XHs only give us £7/week. I’d be staying in this setup too…