To feel so Monday happy when DP goes to work

[FredFerrous]

DP just winds me up all weekend. Started this weekend on Sat morning when I just wanted some quick clarification over my salary. He ended up going off on a tangent, and just talking for ages and ages about new legislation over holiday pay.

Then - he never knows what’s going on/where we need to be/or at what time.

Sport goes on the television, minimal interaction with he children despite the fact he’s hardly seen them all week.

No housework done unless asked - however he does cook (usually something complicated requiring every utensil we own).

He uses the term ‘fresh socks’. I cringe every time he says it. Why not say clean socks??

I try to be in a room he’s not in or escape upstairs - but he starts following me about.

He wants me to hang the towel a particular way over the bathroom radiator (so the towel doesn’t potentially touch the door?? - (it doesn’t… )). Apparently this needs a 5 minute explanation. I tried to tune this out…

He’s just left for work and won’t be home til 9pm. Hurrah.

Being talked 'at' rather than being related to.

If you talk about people or person close to you, you get a rant about politics or an unrelated 'abstract' topic.

You have to address that. It could be ADHD.
It could be that he wants attention, so if you mention anything he will immediately 'take the floor' in order to hold your attention by a diatribe. Either that or it's a 'vehicle for anger'.

Either way it's not relating. You can start trying to relate again by drawing his attention back to the here and now, in this moment.

You have to start saying things like 'I said to you that Martha and Jim bought one of those Fern trees, then you didn't say anything, but then started talking about when you were in Australia doing that landscaping job and talked about that for 10 minutes without even checking if I was listening'

You also need to tell him to take the kids off without you at the weekends.
Find an activity every week that they have to do.

@JayoftheRed - instead of folding washing, have a basket for each perstuff and just throw it in. Have them take their baskets to their rooms and they can decide on whether they can be bothered to fold and put away.

As for the out in-laws, I'd be otherwise engaged when they visit.

@bringmorewashing - leave now. This won't get any better.

Are mentions her salary in her OP.
Why ?

Tell him or nothing changes.
Darling when you cook it makes a lot of work, for a month can you also wash up that night, so you can see how much work it takes?
Tell the children to go watch tv with daddy, if he complains telling him he can always go to the park with the children and watch the sports when they are in bed.
The socks thing, not sure.
The towel hand it too him every time and walk away....

Sometimes financial security when funded by one of a couple is only actually possible by the other half taking a significant paycut/demotion/career break to enable this

It still takes both of you to manage life to achieve this financial security

Yes and no, not for long anyway, although I am going to stay with my parents for a week while I consider options and finances. I know you are absolutely right. It's so depressing as this has all crept up quite recently.

I'm very reluctant to leave the house I've sunk most of my savings into and risk ending up living in a rented spare bedroom with a baby, so if anyone's moving out, it will be him - I have told him that he's welcome to go and live at his mother's house permanently. Of course he says there's nothing wrong.

It is usually easy to ignore the creeping dissatisfaction when things are mostly ok, but this Monday morning wave of relief that he's not here is like a huge alarm bell going off!

Does he have any interests at all? Maybe enrol him for a taster of golf /tennis/gardening ! Just a morning maybe would help .Also you get a morning out as well .Saying "Fresh Socks" sounds like hes expecting a laundry service! A break away for both /either of you will help .My DH was a bit like this when younger too and I can relate to the Monday morning "relief" feeling .Also what about a weekend away ? For 2 of you or DC as well helped us .

I don't get the fresh socks thing. That wouldn't annoy me. Sounds like you don't get on though. I can't imagine being thrilled when my husband went to work just to get rid of him. You both need a really big talk and to make an effort to reconnect or you need to separate. Kids are aware when their parents don't get on. I know I was!

i bet he brings home lots of 'happy money' tho, eh?

There are always little annoying idiosyncrasies in any longterm relationship but when you've lost the sense of humour or even caring, then it's a gradual downward spiral.
If my DH told me how to hang a towel, I'd consider the request if its reasonable but otherwise laugh and tell him not to be so anal....."water off a ducks back" so to speak.
Sounds like you've got unresolved resentment going on which perhaps requires couples counselling.

What a horrible way to live. I'd rather be on my own than live with someone who annoyed me that much ...

Sounds like you don't really like him?
Fresh or clean socks what does it matter?

Life is too short to spend weekends avoiding him, and also unkind to him. If you want your marriage to work find the things you do love about him and learn to live with wish you don't. It's compromise not just money and him out the house

Is there anyone on MN who actually does like their DH/DP?

Does your husband know how you feel about him? I would be devastated if I found out my husband had written a post like this about me. Be honest and tell him you can't stand him, let him make a decision on the relationship with full knowledge of what is going on.

Is 'coping' what you wanted from life?

Do you think this is pleasant for your children?

I know they're harsh realities, but being scared to leave a miserable situation, isn't fair on your children. 'Staying for the kids' doesn't mean that. It means 'staying for you because change is scary.'

I adore mine

@JacquesHarlow
"It sounds like you were happy to tolerate him when he was well and active, but despise him now he is not."

FYI I was unhappy before.
He is unable to drive, therefore is unable to live his former life doing his former activities (Tractor)
He is diminished physically & mentally 50%
I dont despise him, I despise my life.

My advise to OP was to free herself whilst she still can.

@StandardSize14
I did start a thread under another name at one point. 2 replies.
There is really very little to say. In the country I live in there is no respite care available, I don't have the available funds to pay for a "carer". He is not "bad" enough to go into residential care.
It is what it is. He is not unhappy, (or at least doesn't vocalize it) he is in his own new world. I take care of him, we travel.
Doesn't alter the fact that my life is over

I say fresh when I mean clean. Fresh towel, fresh pants, fresh socks, fresh t shirt….

Sounds like you have the ick like the other posters have said, it’s nothing “major” to split over like a affair but it does sound like it’s ground you down.
could you have a open conversation without accusations and let him know how you feel.
My DH is home all the time at the moment due to a injury he can’t drive he can’t do much at all he’s just around all the time either working from home on his laptop playing his game or watching tv and it’s driving me mad but this is a situation out of our control so as it’s really grating on me it’s not really his fault. So I can empathise

I had an ex who said this. In a kind of delighted, exultant way every time he put on a clean pair of socks. EX.

Yes, yabu...

Why did "fresh socks" trigger me so much though 🤣 he sounds unbearable.

just wait until you are retired!! This is tongue in cheek because I love my husband and he is a great person.. BUT. what are we making for dinner honey? UM WE???? you haven't made a dinner in decades and ordering pizza when i was in the hospital does NOT count. "honey the dog just pooped. I am going to go pick that up" Ok. just do it. I do not need to hear about it. ... We live in a very hot country and all our floors are tile. Him...these floors need a wash. Yes hun they do, everyday..they are white and we have two dogs. The mop is in the laundry room. Crack on with it!! whew. I needed that lol.

How many years to retirement, because that doesn't sound like it will be fun @FredFerrous

What parenting does he do? How do you cope when you go on holiday?