To feel so Monday happy when DP goes to work

[FredFerrous]

DP just winds me up all weekend. Started this weekend on Sat morning when I just wanted some quick clarification over my salary. He ended up going off on a tangent, and just talking for ages and ages about new legislation over holiday pay.

Then - he never knows what’s going on/where we need to be/or at what time.

Sport goes on the television, minimal interaction with he children despite the fact he’s hardly seen them all week.

No housework done unless asked - however he does cook (usually something complicated requiring every utensil we own).

He uses the term ‘fresh socks’. I cringe every time he says it. Why not say clean socks??

I try to be in a room he’s not in or escape upstairs - but he starts following me about.

He wants me to hang the towel a particular way over the bathroom radiator (so the towel doesn’t potentially touch the door?? - (it doesn’t… )). Apparently this needs a 5 minute explanation. I tried to tune this out…

He’s just left for work and won’t be home til 9pm. Hurrah.

My H retired but was thankfully occupied with his gardening & his generally mono neuron life.
He had a stroke & is now half of anything he was before, cant drive, no initiative.
He follows me around watching like a fucking inspector...I have to take him everywhere.
I know he didn't choose to have a stroke, (but did nothing to avoid it)
But I didnt choose to be a Nanny/animator in a Creche.

My life is no longer worth living.
My advice is, if you are feeling like this now, get rid before its too late

What’s the OP done wrong, in your opinion?

“…makes him sound spectrumy to me”

So it’s actually ok to talk like this on Mumsnet @AppleStruddle123 and profile a stranger with some idiosyncratic habits and phrases as “spectrumy”…?!

this is like that nonsense folk do on here where everyone is a “bit OCD” or “might have ADHD”, or of course anyone with any sexual quirks or even more that a passing interest in sex has a “porn addiction”

goodness sakes, I despair

You mean ‘in the world’ not just ‘on this site’ 😢

Sounds like you don’t like him. Imagine this after another 10 years.

My mum is like this with my dad.

She clearly can’t stand him and actively avoids being in a room with him. Their marriage has been iffy for decades - it’s something my sister and I have been aware of for years.

But she’s refused to leave him, despite having had a good job up until retirement - and having seen the effect her own parents’ awful marriage had on themselves and those around them.

So instead she’s just seethed and punished him for still being married to him. Thus denying either of them a chance to be happy with someone else (or just alone).

The ‘minimum interaction’ with the kids would piss me off more than the socks thing. It sounds like you enable a lot of his behaviour though. I couldn’t live with an insufferable prick like that and wash his socks so I vote YABU because you don’t have to live like that.

It’s been a while since a post had me so conflicted.

On the one hand, I want to offer sympathy, as you’re clearly doing a lot and in unexpected circumstances

On the other hand… wow!

“for better, for worse, in sickness and in health”… well guess what, this is the sickness. You describe him as “half of what he was before”… that’s a bit cruel. He “cant drive, no initiative..” .. why on earth is driving always the gold standard for independence on Mumsnet? Won’t we all get old and have to give in our licences some time? Aren’t we all one accident away from not being able to drive?

I feel that your username , @getsomehelp is maybe something you should listen to yourself. It sounds like you were happy to tolerate him when he was well and active, but despise him now he is not.

What a sad way to live.

This is so sad, for both of you.

I am sorry you feel this way but honestly, your poor husband.

OP may have come on here to have a bit of a bitch and moan, which is absolutely fine. You need to get some stuff on your chest and I understand why you might not want to talk to friends about what you wrote here!

However, I think to save both your sanity and your marriage you need to get enough space to want to make things work again. Make plans to go away for the weekend solo, and then try to carve an ongoing niche for a solo activity.

Can you also sit down with DH and agree a set list of tasks he needs to get done by the end of each weekend? You shouldn't have to, but he needs to step up if you're going to rekindle any kind of respect.

After that, can you reintroduce something fun for you two? How often do you go on a date without the kids? Or have a shared interest or hobby? Something new to talk about and engage over again.

Sounds like you don’t really like him. How about some couples counselling?

Please start your own thread - there is so much sadness in your post someone with experience of this may be able to help

@CantDealwithChristmas

Amen

Gosh, surprised by the comments.

Op is just having a rant.
Her dh is her family, she's attached and reliant to him in one way or another. He's annoying af at the moment, but plenty of times he wasn't. People make compromises in any relationship/ friendship/ family. It's hard, but it's mostly worthwhile.

Yes, you're single/ divorced and very happy - good for you. But that's your choice and if the OP wishes advice on that, she would've asked how to go about ending this.

She's allowed to have a rant once in a while - people are hard work; she shouldn't be criticised for deciding what is worthwhile for her.

Yes.
Its a sign that you are irritated by him just breathing.
Te marriage is over

Indeed...

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

@FredFerrous - possible options open to you:

Manage the situation by spending as little time as possible with him. Take the kids out at the weekend and/or do arts, crafts, games etc at home. Outsource the cleaning.

Leave.

Or you both read the book, consider Gottman's suggestions and talk.

You know that this will not end well if things continue as they are and you do nothing.

@FredFerrous

I feel exactly the same and glad you do to as it's made me feel better!!! I woke up this morning and he hasn't gone because he's not feeling well! For goodness sake. Worst thing for me is that today is my only week day of when kids are at school and DH is at work so it's meant to be a quiet day to myself.
Now, I'll be stuck with his non-stop talking about some random topic, TV on all day blaa :-/

He spent all day yesterday watching sports and just talking non stop about the stupid sport. I went shopping came back and the talking continued. I was so glad the weekend was over, and he's be gone by the time I wake up but no.

Every weekend is certainly not like this but this weekend defo was.

What about when he retires? 😝

My husband gives long explanations too, it's like he's processing it as he's saying it. The other day we were packing for holidays and I asked him which suitcase he wanted my makeup bag to go in. (He had already weighed them) got a 5 minute Ted talk on where we were at with each suitcase. I stood and waited then at the end asked again which suitcase, and he didn't know!!!!

Also cooking using every utensil. I wish we had established a whoever cooks washes up rule early one.

I have peace during the week.

I can cope with 2 days of annoyance. Just.

Sorry but that's awful. What a depressing way to live.

Counselling doesn't make you like someone. Counselling is for when there are problems within a relationship where the couple do actually love each other and want it to work but there are other factors causing issues.

If you can't stand being around someone and can't wait for them to fuck off to work on a Monday, no amount of counselling is going to make a difference.

It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards him. You either need to figure it out or walk away. You shouldn’t be so relieved to have him go to work on a Monday. I get being excited to have space or time and the house to yourself but to then hate the whole weekend with him, what’s the point? You and he deserve better. Find someone you want to be with or enjoy being alone, but unless you guys figure it out, I don’t see how you have a future.

My dh has worked from home for 14 years now. I love having him home. Yes I like my space and an empty house sometimes but I look forward to seeing him.

I think we've got the same partner. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Doesn't sound like the OP is working? Maybe he funds the peace and quiet at home during the week with his job???? Just a thought :)

Sounds like u need to split up, won’t be much longer and u won’t be able to stand the noise of him breathing.