AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

I’m a little unclear what he says is embarrassing about your behaviour, so not able to say who is being unreasonable.

All kids think their parents are embarrassing! I get called 'cringe' on a regular basis! They just don't understand how cool we really are! 😁

From the information you have given, it is impossible to tell who is being unreasonable.

What do you get him for birthday and Christmas?

What public behaviour did he raise with you?

I have a teenage son op and I am apparently incredibly embarrassing. I am not allowed to drop him off by his school so I skulk on a side road. When we do drive he gets incredibly embarrassed if my window is down in case people see me. I am extremely embarrassing on parents evening because I actually speak to the teachers about him. No idea what he expects me to do...oh and I once handed him his pe kit in front of his friends.

What I'm saying is, it doesn't matter who you are or what you do...they are always embarrassed by their parents.

Was it something specific you did that made him say this?

My DS (11), told me that he was embarrassed when I gave him big hugs in front of his friends, which I took on board. He still loves big hugs though!

Well I voted YABU. Not because you are wrong to feel very upset but because it’s such a normal rite of passage for children this age. It’s not you.
It will be hard for a boy this age to admit he was wrong. They don’t have the maturity and insight.
If I have any advice it’s to keep your sense of humour. Remind yourself it happens to a lot of us even without your additional problems. Keep communication open and most important of all - keep your sense of humour if you can. Teenagers can be arseholes. But not all the time.
Hugs to you.

All children can sometimes find parents embarrassing but perhaps it’s a bit more than that and linked to having a mum with a disability. Is he classed as a young carer and could access any support via that.

Is there something specific he found embarrassing op?

It’s very normal for 12 year olds to find their parents embarrassing!

His behaviour is normal. My son is now a father and a wonderful kind young man. But the years from about 12 onwards were very tough at times. I remember when he was 14 taking him out to buy a trendy jacket he wanted. On the bus home he refused to sit with me and pretended by he didn't know me. It is funny now but I was hurt at the time. I think at this age they have so trouble dealing with their own feelings they don't have any room for worrying about other people's. I can remember screaming at my mother when I was 15 that I hated her...I loved her dearly.

Yes, needs more context. If it's about your speech difficulties then that's obviously unfair but he is still young enough to maybe not put himself in your shoes and instead make everything about his own self consciousness.

Also the way it was said - sort of taking you aside and mentioning it would be different to blurting it out when he's in a bad mood or you are arguing about something. Tbh, I night be more upset about the first and more able to write the second off as pubescent moodiness and not to be taken too seriously. Many kids this age start finding their folks 'embarrassing', usually for no good reason other that they are working towards independence and start seeing being with their parents as 'cringey'.

Hi OP, don’t dwell on it. I am mum to a 13 year old boy and am also embarrassing. I just laugh when he says it(obviously I don’t deliberately do things to embarrass him but I am his mum and that’s enough) .

I’m ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

I have to say, this isn’t great. He’s raised something with you, whether valid feelings or just the unkind musings of a tweenager. It’s not good communication to cry and walk out the room. He might think twice about sharing his feelings with you again. Hard as it is, you are the parent in this relationship - he is a child, and your emotions shouldn’t be on his shoulders like that.

If you are “crying all day today” about it, is that while he was in the house?

Sorry you've been so upset about it ❤️ It's never easy dealing with this but it sounds like this has been a particular trigger for you given your abusive marriage.

Was he referring to specific behaviours that he finds embarrassing? Can you be really honest with yourself and try and see it from his perspective? What I mean is, if he's saying "mum I'm really embarrassed when you fuss over me/hug me/call me sweetie pie in public", maybe you do need to hear him out. It's hard to let go and accept they aren't 3 any more, but at 12 it's very normal and age-appropriate for him to be striking out on his own and trying to create some distant between himself and you. Even though that's painful for us. And even though he may not be articulating it well.

If course you’re embarrassing, he is almost a teen, they find everything the parents do embarrassing!

You’re gonna need to stop taking everything so personally if you’re to get through the next 5 years. I also think you should hear him out about his feelings. It’s not all about you. He is entitled to his feelings too.

I remember being 13 and finding my Mum embarrassing. It was a confusing emotion as I really loved her. But I grew out of it by the time I was 16.

My 9 year old is often embarrassed by me in public. It started a couple of years ago, when I danced to a busker and he pretended not to know me. I am regularly told my behaviour is sussy, whatever that means.

Young people need to pull away to become adults, so unless he said it about your speech etc, this is totally normal. I thought my parents were embarrassing (they are not). I am sure they thought their parents were too.

Did he specifically say it was anything to do with your disability which was embarrassing? All teenagers are embarrassed by their parents and tell them!

Presumably he hasn't had his gifts yet? What did you buy him? Was it clothes he found childish or cringe?

And then you invalidated his feelings, told him how he would react and he was wrong in how he thought he would react, then walked off crying. Which isn't good.

Teenagers often find their parents cringeworthy, I certainly did with my mum.

That doesn’t stop it being incredibly hurtful when someone you love more than anything is embarrassed by you. When I notice myself affected like this I remind myself of how I felt about my mum and how much I love her. It helps.

I also think you did the right thing by telling him.

It sounds like you’ve had a rough time and I’m not surprised that you feel vulnerable and hurt. Big hugs 💐 (I know MN hates them but it seems like you need them)

Oh I’m sorry that sounds tough - I’d have been devastated if my DC had said they were embarrassed by me.

I suspect it says more about his confidence than anything else.

You're not doing your job properly if your teenager isn't embarrassed by your existence.

But if it is to do with your disability, he needs pulling up on it sharpish. That's not acceptable.

Oh @TheQuickCat it's bad and infuriating enough when they do it because they are plain bastardy teenagers. I think if you have a disability it's a very cruel cut.

When you are both calm I think you should sit down and discuss this. I wonder if a little coaching/therapy would help you here.

FWIW my DS was very embarrassed to be seen with me as a teenager. I am a pretty standard mother. I used to play on it. Behave and I'll walk behind you, misbehave and I shall not hesitate to car dance, pitch dance or shop dance, with singing.

Myb12 yr old said exactly the same as that. She won't do most of the stuff we used to do together as I'm embarrassing it's just an age thing

Thanks all for your replies. He didn't say anything specific I did. I did ask for an example but he said he had none.

The Christmas and birthday present change request was unusual. He asked me to stop buying him books! Last Christmas I got him a copy of H.G Wells War Of The Worlds. He said he'd get his own. I must have awful taste.

And then you invalidated his feelings, told him how he would react and he was wrong in how he thought he would react, then walked off crying. Which isn't good.

Totally disagree with this. He underplayed how he would respond which is a classic technique to wiggle out of a confronting question. She called him out on that. That’s a totally legitimate response. She cried, because he treated her badly and it was upsetting, also a legitimate response.