AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

To be fair the book thing is a sign of growing up. His preferences are changing I imagine.

It is okay to be upset by it, but it is just a horrible phase young teenagers go through.

I love my mum and she isn't actually embarrassing at all, but I remember being 13 and on a walk with her when she pointed out an "amazing owl up in that tree!" And I was so embarrassed by that I wanted to run away from her. I didn't, I just rolled my eyes and said "um..ok whatever". It was stupid but I was so annoyed that she was being so cringey and excited by owls that I was angry at her.

Which is ridiculous for many reasons, not just because we were alone, it wasn't an embarrassing thing for her to have said at all and it was a cool owl (it was huge). I was just being a hormonal arsehole and I grew out of it.

No
Telling someone "you wouldn't react like that" is an awful way of invalidating their feelings and making it like they don't even know their own mind

And crying is a well known guilt tactic. He didn't treat her badly, just said something typically teenagery.

We will have to agree to disagree.

YellowCloud

No he wasn't in the house. I waited until he was at his dad's.

Don’t you ask him what he wants for his presents ? I can see why a 12 year old might not be thrilled with that book.

Sorry but I think you're being overly sensitive now. It's perfectly reasonable for him to ask that you don't buy him books or that he chooses his own. I would hate for someone to buy me books. Your comment "I must have awful taste" just seems a bit touchy, he just doesn't like the book you got him, that's not a big deal.

But your op is very clear you cried when you spoke to him and left the room crying,

this is often a manipulation technique.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0014gnc

Great programme about teenage brains and why they find parents excruciating. It might help give you some perspective.

Sorry you've had a hard time 💐.

All teens find parents embarrassing. My eldest began finding me v embarrassing in yr 5 , hated me turning up to school in exercise gear - even though loads of other mums were.

Youngest didn't want me to attend year 9 parents evening- wanted DH to go instead ( assume he was less embarrassing).

Many other examples..

RosesAndHellebores

Thanks and good advice. I do think I need to calm down. I won't bring up again though.

Oh god yes, parents are totally embarrassing for a teenager. It's our job. In fact if they hadn't been embarrassed I'd have felt I'd failed. All adults and over it now.

Sunnyandsilly

I didn't try to manipulate him but I was upset.

YANBU to be upset but this is normal teen behaviour unfortunately.

Again I think it’s quite normal. I got my 13 a top that I thought he’d love (a Stranger Things top) and he obviously doesn’t like it and hasn’t worn it once. I should have known better really as he picks his own clothes and has for ages. It’s just part of growing up, making your own choices and feeling independent in areas that they can control.

Ds2 found me deathly embarrassing when he was 12. By the time he was 14 he worked out that I came with the ability to pay and he got over himself.

Just ask him for a list of books he’d like to receive.

Funisland

Thanks for your reply.

The most unusual aspect of the whole thing in my opinion is that your ds knew he'd upset you but didn't seem to care. Sure, they find us embarrassing. But if they hurt our feelings, they should still be able to show some empathy. My 13yo ds has gone too far with comments in the past, most of which I'm able to shrug off. But on the odd occasion that he's actually said something that upsets me, he always gives me a hug and apologises, pretty much immediately. I don't really care much when he thinks I'm being embarrassing. I might tone it down a bit, but I refuse to alter my personality and become dull and boring.

Not awful. Just not to his taste.

I voted that you were not being unreasonable, only on the grounds that you have a brain injury, so are, possibly, more sensitive to this comment than most.

However, it's a parents role to embarrass their child. I was admonished by mine for attending her sports day in trainers and jeans. Other Mums were in dresses (this was circa 1980). I was much younger (well, 10 or so years than other Mums) so trainers and jeans seemed ok. Apparently not to my child.

hang on in there. By the time my child was 17, they thought I was very.cool. I asked them to pick out an outfit to go to their opening day, at school. I'd learned my lesson that you can embarrass your child inadvertently. She chose some suede trousers for me. Still 1980s, by the way. my child revelled in the fact I was a little different to other parents, mainly because of my age.

You never know, you may have a moment of being quite cool 😀

Welcome to teenager-hood. All children find their parents mortifying. It is usually just a (longish) phase.
I look a bit alternative even now and when my son was in his teens he thought I was SO embarrassing. Nothing I said wasn't embarrassing, never mind the way I looked. I wanted to accommodate him and I asked whether there was anything I could do or not do/say or not say that would not be embarrassing. His reply was a simple but definite NO so I thought I might as well please myself and just carry on as before. My one concession was that for a while I wore a hat to cover my green hair when I was picking him up from school.
He grew out of it - eventually.

Finding your parents embarrassing is completely standard for teenagers. I can remember thinking mine were excruciatingly embarrassing at that age, literally couldn't bare to be seen with them.

Tbh I think at that age I would be asking for xmas and birthday lists and sticking to them. My eldest is 9 and I buy from her list with only a couple of small surprises that I am confident she will love. Tastes change so quickly at that age.

When kids are young, they're generally led by us and our tastes, and it's nice like having a little mini-me. Then they hit puberty and hormones arrive, and parents are CRINGE. It is a bit hurtful when your mini-me rejects everything you used to love together, but it might help to remember that this is a really important stage in their development- its not them deciding they hate you!

Have you ever had counselling around the abuse and the brain injury? That’s a lot to go through and sometimes it unconsciously affects behaviour with others and with parenting.