AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

@TheQuickCat My son said I was really embarrassing at about the same age.

My Dad was also completely embarrassing!

It’s a phase they go through- Don’t worry about it!

Her son witnessed the assault 4 years ago which resulted in his mother's brain injury, yet he "thinks his dad is the bees knees". I just can't fathom that at all and am not surprised the OP is hurt and angry. Of course she is!

Regarding Xmas and birthday presents, have you tried asking him what he wants?

I do find it really odd that you are so upset to the point you've cried in your bedroom, at a teenager calling you embarrassing.

Aren't all parents embarrassing for their teenagers? Why are you taking it so personally?

You sound a bit emotionally unstable.

Good grief. At least read the OP's updates.

If you already have and yet still posted that, you should be ashamed.

All children are primed to think their parents are great- After all they are half that person.

Remember your son is also half YOU, He has his own personality, too so hopefully won’t be like his Dad.

Boys don’t really like it when their mums cry-
They aren’t always sympathetic- Being a lone parent to a teen boy can be hard!

@Sunnyandsilly crying is not a manipulative "technique"! and it's very misogynistic to say so. Maybe get some therapy to understand how to express your feelings rather than thinking people can randomly turn tears on and off! Hate it when I see this on here.

No, kids are not manipulating you by crying, they are just upset and it's your job to help them through it! And no, a woman is not manipulating anyone by crying - she is just having a valid physical response to being hurt!

The majority of teens find their parents embarrassing and a lot of the time it’s for silly unjustified reasons.

I remember being embarrassed of my mum coming into school because of the trainers she wore which now looking back was so small and insignificant and there was actually nothing wrong with her trainers!

It is pretty normal for young teens to find their parents embarrassing.
It's also entirely understandable that you are very worried whenever your ds shows signs of developing character traits similar to his father when you have borne the brunt of that and your child even saw it happen.
So those two things together are likely to be a bit of a perfect storm.
All you can do is keep on correcting, by gentle nudges rather than anything dramatic. Explain to him that his father has character weaknesses - I have never shielded my own son (22) from the truth about his father, although I have been gentle about it. He is old enough to make his own conclusions now and makes the right ones, as yours probably will too one day. I think you should never be so blunt as to alienate your teen, but be persistent and demonstrably correct/measured in your choice of words and responses. Don't overreact but be gentle with yourself too as it sounds like you went through a lot with the ex.

All teenagers think their parent is the most embarrassing person to have ever walked the earth.

But I can understand why you are upset. My DS is a toddler, I know some day I will be told these things and it will hurt. But your most more than likely does not mean it. And I would certainly think it does not mean he loves you less.

I think some people are being unnecessarily unkind.

I don't agree with your assessment that your ds was being cruel, he merely expressed his feelings and whilst I don't think you were deliberately manipulative I don't think you handled it in the right way. However unintentional, you dismissed his feelings as unimportant and made the situation about you.

The problem is, it has been done and the sad outcome is that he will think twice before being open with you again.

I absolutely get that you are worried about him becoming his father, but your behaviour may well be steering him in that way. You are "proving" what your ex has accused you of in how you have behaved in this situation. Whether you meant to or not is irrelevant now. Posters here have the perspective that it was manipulative and that will be your ex's view if ds tells him.

You need to find a better way to communicate with him. The better way to have handled it would have been to have acknowledged his comment and asked him to talk to you kindly, when he had some examples, even if it is at the time it is happening so that you can understand what you are doing and work on ways to change if needed.

Teenagers will project their insecurity’s on you all day long 🤷‍♀️You can’t let it get to you.

Remind him that you'll be there when someone is embarrassed by him or his behaviour!! Then he may just understand how it feels!!

I get it’s triggering.
However you have now entered the teen zone and you need to develop a very thick skin. I have 3 teens and have cried more times that I remember - esp in the early days. My lovely daughter turned so so mean and horrible to me. The way I breathed, walked and looked was so embarrassing she could barely stand to walk next to me at one point and was cringing out of her skin.
Mean things said on many occasions. Been spoken to in ways that no one has ever spoken to me.
However on the other side they can all be lovely and I know they don’t want to hurt me really. They just speak without thinking and are trying so so desperately to fit in to the world and be independent that they cringe next to me often.
Develop a thick skin whilst talking to your son about the right way and wrong way to speak to people and let him know that you are really hurt.
Repeat. Repeat repeat until they are 21.

This is terrible advice.
Expressing his feelings or having them validated should not be the most important thing here - the OP's ds learning to express himself kindly and with empathy are.

It’s a bit odd that he witness his dad attack you (severely enough to give you brain damage) but he thinks his dad is just great. I mean I know he’s only a child but there is a part of you that thinks really??

It's more than "a bit odd" it's totally inexplicable! I would expect him to feel hatred and fear towards his father. No wonder it upsets the OP. Talk about unfair!

Wheredidileavemycarkeys & CustardySergeant that's his dad influence!

I can't tell DS the truth about his dad, he says he doesn't remember the attack and that his dad made a mistake.

The poster above who thought you should contact Headway and get them to explain to your DS what brain injury is and how it manifests had a good suggestion. Then you can have a chat about how you are disabled, and that your speech is affected, and whilst he might find that embarrassing, it is not something you can help whatsover. Yes, teens are embarrassed by their parents, but in light of the circumstances, I can well understand why the remark made you cry. But if you can keep communication open and accept DS for how HE IS, not looking for signs he will turn into your ex, you’ll be OK.

If it is any comfort, as he gets older, your DS will twig what happened, and he will draw his own conclusions, and I seriously doubt he’s going to condone what your ex did. In fact, the effect is you will raise a very empathetic and decent young man who understands how actions can affect others.

I also hope you are getting some therapy for the trauma you went through so thngs can be emotionally easier for you. All best wishes to you and your DS.

I also wonder if Headway can give you some advice/support on parenting a teenager when you have a head injury, or a recommendation of a book to read?
It is normal to be quicker to tears after a head injury.

I am SO embarassing! I have ASD and my social skills are a bit off. I also have a thing that means if someone's words remind me of a pop song I have to sing the line of the pop song! My clothing choice is dictated by texture / sensory issues of the day and often doesn't match. I am very much not bothered by my own appearance or what others think of me and frequently forget to brush my hair (not that it helps a lot). I sing in Tesco, talk too loud, fail to hold appropriate conversations with the general public (talk too much, not enough, when it isn't my turn, talk over people). If I get anxious my phyiscal ticks start up - the hand flapping is fun.

Teenagers can be arseholes. You are definitely not the one with the problem and your kid will grow out of it. I remember my wonderfully eccentric dad being a total "embarassment" and now he and I can be embarassing together. He now knows he hurt your feelings and should keep his opinions to himself. Go out and embrace your embarassing self, who cares what anyone thinks (particularly a teenage boy - even if he is your teenage boy!). Oh and if you see some mad looking woman wearing un-coordinated clothing flapping like a duck and singing in Tescos whilst her 13 year old daughter looks on mortified please say hi!

I love this. What a great approach! 😁

Oh OP, teenagers are bloody brutal.
We enrolled our in Army Cadets at 13 and the change in them was miraculous. Really strong behaviour standards and the leaders were great role models.
Was his Dad the cause of your head injury?

I still find my mother embaressing and Im over 50!!LOL😅

Seriously though it does sound hurtful but its a totally natural response at that age. Most teens are embaressed by their parents, its something they grow out of.
Sorry to hear of your head injury, sounds like a horrible situation. You could always point out to your son that his brain isnt fully developed yet and is still a work in progress!

I think I'd calmly say something along the lines of....I'm a human being and I have feelings and there are times that your behaviour embarrasses me too, I just wouldn't hurt your feelings by saying it. I haven't brought you up to be like this. No one else is embarrassed, only you, so I think it's more of a 'you' problem. You'll realise when you grow up that I'm not actually in the wrong here.