AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

If any consolation my foreign accent is embarrassing for my kids!

There is hope for the future OP. My dad reminded me of his father saying:

-when a child is 7, their parent knows absolutely everything.
-When that child is 14, their parent knows absolutely nothing.
-When the same child reaches 21... they are amazed at how much their parent has learnt in a few short years! 😁

On how your DS can think so well of his father - I think that it is a sort of wishful thinking that works for absent parents. We fostered teens and tweens who had been terribly neglected and ill-treated. The one thing they had in common was how much they thought of their parents - no matter what the evidence. (Without any irony, one 12 year old urgently wanted to fill in a supermarket form nominating his mother 'mother of the year'. I can only say that he needed this fantasy - and grew out of it by himself. )

My posh accent embarrassed my son, which I found bemusing because I'd never thought of it as posh.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs your dad's wisdom is great. The story about foster kids is so sad though.

They've never been embarrassed by my credit card when they wanted new clothes strangely 😂

This is typical teenage behaviour. It's important to make him feel heard and validated, otherwise he'll learn that it's not ok to have his own feelings and needs. You are unable to contain this for some reason. Maybe it would be good for you to reflect on why this makes you feel so vulnerable and hurt.

You have to listen and respect your child. He's been very brave in telling you this, you should respect his feelings and adapt your behaviour accordingly.

Teenagers are awful and it goes on for a few years. 16-17 and they start coming back round. Get the book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374523223 really helped me. The most important point though is do not take it personally, any of it xxxx

You could do that

ESPECIALLY if you tend to drop in at his school wearing the biggest hat -one decorated with masses of dead animals, flowers and fruit - and a large arrow pointing to a poster hanging round your neck. (This probably carries the words 'DC's loving Mum - do stop me and ask to see his baby photos' :) )

@Famfirst I suspect that you haven't read the OP's posts and didn't notice exactly what she thought might be causing him his feelings -that is her (bastard-man-caused) disabilities.

Some of us think that he is probably just being a bit of a teen !

Ah OP, I know I was hurtful to my mum when I was growing up because she knew I was sometimes embarrassed by her.

But the teenage brain is undergoing so much change they often do things that make little sense...

I still cringe at some of my behaviour back then especially because I couldn't be prouder of her now and introduce her to everyone. Hang in there it will get better!

I think its pretty normal. You go from being the most important person for your child to being highly embarrassing and eventually back to being someone they are willing to be seen with.
I had the 'drop me around the corner', 'do I have to walk next to you in town' chats from my child when they were 12, 13, 14 and by 16-17 it was back to being fine that I dropped them at the door, gave their mates a lift etc.
They are starting to establish themselves as an individual and at 12/13 parents just aren't cool to be seen with.

Also I had a shitty ex and worried it was down to him but its really just a normal part of growing up. By 16-17 I was perfectly acceptable to be seen with again!

What???

I mean this kindly OP, but you need to toughen up a bit. All teenagers find their parents embarrassing. I just used to say "Yeah, I know I am it's part of my job description for being a mum" or "Yep, but trust me I could be worse". Just point out to him that actually however you act he'll find you embarrassing... because he's a teenager. And he has to get used to it. Harsh but true.

-when a child is 7, their parent knows absolutely everything.
-When that child is 14, their parent knows absolutely nothing.
-When the same child reaches 21... they are amazed at how much their parent has learnt in a few short years! 😁

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs Your Dad was so perceptive! My DD (19) thinks I’m far more knowledgeable than my DS (15) does. It has something to do with going to university and realizing that Mum actually did a lot for her and may actually know a thing or two. 🤣

Have you read all the OP's posts? You might have missed some important details.