AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

It’s hard to tell the full story but I think it’s important he feels listened to. He also needs to understand your feelings. What he said seems like a normal teenage behaviour. The fact he couldn’t give you an example is odd. So maybe it’s just being his mum. I think maybe you have overthought it. Maybe this has brought up something in the past and being told similar from someone else?

Please do not apologise to your son for crying. You are allowed emotions. He needs to learn that if he wants to be honest with people that's great but they will be affected by what he says, they don't become automatons just because he has something to get off his chest.

Never had much time for people who feel entitled to find the ones they love embarrassing or demand they change for nebulous reasons.

Also have two teens who think we are so embarrassing. We went to town on Xmas eve for dinner this year and they wouldn't even travel with us as wouldn't be seen on train with us.

I don't take it to heart at all. I think you've realised it was an overreaction at this stage.
I just wouldn't mention it again but just brush it off next time.

My mum used to take everything to heart and it just pushed me away and I felt I was walking on egg shells with her so make a conscious effort to ignore the teens comments

Respectfully OP, you are going to be parenting a teenager for the next 7 years, and you are going to need to develop a thicker skin.

Teenagers will say these things - it's what they do. It's not because your son doesn't love or care for you, it's just the stage of development he is at. It's normal. The majority parents have heard things like this from their teens. You need to not take it to heart.

When I used to tell my parents they were embarrassing, they would simply joke about it and laugh it off. It was frustrating to me, but ultimately, it's no big deal. That is just the way it is.

Don't pander to his requests or change anything about yourself, just laugh and say "oh well mums are meant to be embarrassing aren't they?!" and give him a nudge. Humour can be a good way to diffuse things with teens.

If he carries on then just let him sulk and say "oh well, that's the way I am". It really needs to be water off a duck's back to you at this age and you need to recognise he's going to grow out of it.

It might be that he is struggling with the impact of your brain injury, which is difficult for you, but as a teenager who cares a lot about societal norms and is trying to fit in, it is also understandable that he might be feeling some embarrassment around you being different to his friends' parents. He's young and it is hard to have the confidence to shrug off what other people say/ think. That's a skill he needs to learn as he grows. And you can model it for him.

Having said that, you should listen to his requests about Christmas/ birthday presents - you might have been missing the mark. Just ask him what he wants.

We do 360 degree feedback at my work. I find this quite painful as you sometimes hear things about how you are perceived that are quite painful and you feel a bit awful. But the thing is you do learn stuff and can modify your behaviour. I was doing something my son found upsetting and he told me. I stopped doing the thing immediately and I was embarrassed that I was so thoughtless. Almost all teens find their parents deeply embarrassing though and totally stupid.

Obviously you can't help your speech. But I wonder if there is something quite specific. I get the feeling that he is trying to fit in with a friend group or maybe what he perceives as a "cooler" group. As an example, I went to school with a boy whose mother called him "Muffin". The teasing was just awful. I think I would try to coax out of him exactly what he means. It will be difficult for him to be frank if you dissolve in tears and rush off when he shares something. A wild stab in the dark here but you don't hold his hand when crossing the road do you? Do you fuss if he has friends over?

One of my children was similar to your son but without the abusive dad. He could always find something to criticise about our behaviour and we had a very rocky relationship for years. He is close to qualifying as a doctor and is now perfectly pleasant. (I think the kinds of behaviour you see in medicine normalises almost anything for you and you're just glad it's not your mother throwing excrement at the paramedics.)

I do think that is an unusual choice of book for an 11 year old. I think mine might have been reading Animorphs, the Cherub series and Japanese comics at that age. I think surprises at Xmas and birthdays are over-rated. I'd just get him vouchers in future.

I don't know why children remain attached for many years to abusive parents. I suppose there is an attachment bond and the idea that if they do everything right the parent will love them. I presume your ex must have some redeeming qualities. Children are quite self-centred for many years as well. I must admit it would be galling that he could seen what your ex did to you and still think his dad is great.

Well I always say one day your kid worships you the next they are telling you 'you're stirring your coffee wrong'.
And of course I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about despite my age and having lived for 40 years longer than they have.
While they can in occasion think you are embarrassing they still model your behaviour. So don't give up being you.
As for the presents - that's fair enough really. Better he tell you what he wants than you buying what you think he would like.

Oh bless! Don’t take it to heart - and remind him that until his behaviour in public is impeccable, it’s your job to be embarrassing!

My dad says the best bit of parenting, is when you are an embarrassment to your children, eager than the other way round!

I am not allowed to appear anywhere near the door when the school bus collects my son (13) as I'm too embarrassing...

I am slightly less embarrassing now he is 13, at 11-12 everything I did was awful and he was desperate for me to wear flowery dresses all the time...

Now my worst crime is wearing exercise gear to, y'know, exercise ...

He'll grow out of it - it's a normal healthy teenage phase - they have to reject you to undergo a healthy separation.

Maintain a sense of humour and events they will come back ...

Pretty sure it’s a right of passage to be embarrassing as a parent.

Mine was because I had brightly died hair at work point. My sibling told my mother she needed to grow up as it was embarrassing that she like stuffed animals.

Everyone finds different things embarrassing and I’d be shocked if anyone could hand on heart say something their parent did or said didn’t embarrass them at least once out in public/infront of their friends.

It's normal that kids that age will find their parents embarrassing. Sounds like you might have just taken it personally because you assume it's to do with your speech.

If he did mean that (most likely he didn't) then I hope he feels bad that he made you cry.
If he didn't then the fact that you cried won't really affect him so don't worry.

And I guarantee this phase will pass, teenagers grow out of this phase 😊

Honestly I would have said “it’s ok, you embarrass the living daylights out of me too but I still love you!”.

I think this has to do with your ex, it’s more meaningful to you because you were in an abusive relationship and this is probably one of the ways your ex controlled you, through shame. So it’s a massive trigger.

Teenagers can often be unempathetic towards their parents, they don’t really see them as people.

What age was he when he witnessed that? It’s an enormous psychological burden for a child to sort through. I think you’re right to be patient and careful with him. Our minds have all sorts of defensive mechanisms to keep us safe. You may well find that his thoughts change when he gets physically bigger and theoretically capable of defending against his father.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through

Yes it’s a bit „oh I’m obviously a terrible parent I can’t do anything right can I „ .

it’s not nice but totally normal, he’s growing up, perhaps try and reframe it that you are doing a good job, he’s pulling away as he should be.

Parenting teens is hard. The trick is not to take it personally. My dd says far worse. If you’re finding it hard to deal with, maybe you could find some kind of counselling if that’s available to you.

My 9 year old calls me embarrassing, the first time she said it I burst out laughing shocked thinking oh no this is the start of it!

I wouldn’t even walk to the shop with my mum from the age of 12, I was a nightmare teenager. Now there’s not a day goes past where I don’t speak to my mum and I see her at least once a week. It’s a phase. It could last years (it did for me) so hang in there, you will be close again.

One day he will realise what his dad did was wrong and will be your rock, it’s hard for teenagers when they are with you every day to see you as an actual person. If he lived with his dad the embarrassment would be directed at him.

IdaPrentice

Thanks for your post. DS is normally kind and sweet so this came out of the blue. I'm very sensitive about my disability. It's not just my speech that's affected, it's my hands and my walking. I tell myself I need to hurry up and not get in others way, stupid I know. DS hit a nerve and I cried.

Thanks too to ClairDeLaLune, LiesDoNotBecomeUs, Gymnopedie, AnitaLoos, setmestraightplease, and everyone else.

Sorry I've not replied to everyone but I have read all your comments.

So much of their thought process is focused entirely on themselves.

When ds was younger, he had a friend whose mum was genuinely embarrassing. She'd scream and shout on the school run, not in an angry way necessarily that was just how she spoke. She was always effing and blinding, she did actually get in a stand up row in the playground once. My ds still maintained that I was more embarrassing despite doing absolutely nothing like this. It was so odd...but I guess my ds brain was firmly focused on himself. They are very self conscious at that age and can't see the wood for the trees.

My kids are a bit older than yours. Interestingly, the confident one rarely makes comments like this. The insecure one is the one that can say cutting comments. She has sometimes upset me quite a lot.

What I have realised though that this is not because she is a bad person and neither am I. It is that she is so anxious, insecure and ‘in her own head’ that she can only see the world as it relates to her. She is consumed with negativity about herself and sometimes lashes out and does not see the consequences until much later.

Obviously I put in boundaries but I accept that it is a symptom of her hurting and not that she truly dislikes me.

I realise that your situation is a bit different but I thought I would give my view anyway.

All parents embarrass their teenagers, and yes let him by his own books.

Hes at that age where you’re no longer his mummy, you’re the one interfering in his life as he grows up (which is how all teens see it, regardless of how much you love them). Time to back off from him in public and let him do a bit of growing up on his own terms. It’s a hard lesson though

Demonhunter that's fantastic!

What he said may have upset you but you have just dismissed how he feels and effectively told him to tolerate things that make him uncomfortable in order to satisfy other people. It's a recipe for being a people pleaser.

The conversation should be around his delivery. Trying to understand what he finds embarrassing and if it's things like telling him you love him as you wave him off then you can adjust that by saying you love him in private. If it's something related to your brain injury or something you cannot change then it's having a conversation about how it is out of your control and that in life he will meet many people that speak, walk, talk and act differently and whilst it might make us feel uncomfortable at first we need to sit with that uncomfort and that will allow us to become more accepting

There’s a reason that one of the most frequent lines in the Kevin the teenager sketch was “you’re so EMBARRASSING!” - pretty much all teenagers feel it and say it to their parents.

I have a close relationship with my teens, they’re good kids but they still tell me I’m embarrassing. I know I’m not actually doing anything embarrassing (eg quietly singing along, in tune, to the radio in the privacy of my own car with no one else there but me and my child) but it’s just something they can’t help but feel. I know I said it to my parents as well, looking back I’m sure they weren’t actually being embarrassing.

Try not to take it to heart, it’s so much more likely to be about him than about you. Also if he’s asked you to change what you get him for birthdays and Christmas then why not listen, unless it’s an unreasonable request like knives or something you fundamentally disagree agree with. Their tastes and interests change as they get older and we don’t always like or understand their choices.

Brace yourself because he is soon to be a teenager. They start being like that a lot more and suddenly we are wondering where our child went. It is very common and you need to ignore much of it. It is very upsetting of course. Any affection displays are cringey. They want independence and see you as a controlling person. There is nothing wrong for him to ask what he wants for Christmas and birthdays. Mine always asked for this since I remembered.

This behaviour is also to do with what the other peers at school are doing. Some of them are nicer than others but generally they want to be seen as older and need their space. It is a difficult period specially for a single parent with no one else to share the load.

The embarrassment is there for a reason if you think about it. They need to find reasons to push us away so they can develop their own independence. Same reason they start to irritate us so we push them towards independence. I hardly buy dd anything as I just don’t know what she is going to like and it’s pointless wasting money. I just give her the money.

But it sounds as if you’ve had a really difficult time of things so I hope you have someone to talk to in real life. Perhaps seek out some professional support if you feel you need it.