AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

He says something cruel and you cried. What exactly are you apologising for and why do you feel it is you that should be apologising?

Aww op its hard when you become aware that your child views you slightly differently

it’s not about love it’s about them starting to break away (in little stepsH and becoming more of his own person

ds finds my very presence embarrassing at times but I have decided to embrace this it and I tell of often if he isn’t careful I shall rap or dance or maybe both in front of his friends and I give him a little taster of what I plan to do

its ok to cry when we are hurt and at times our children’s actions hurt us, you have done nothing wrong

ds will still cuddle up he still needs me that doesn’t change it’s just not quite in the way he did

I don’t think you need to apologise. He was a bit hurtful and you were sensitive but very upset.

Perhaps it will be a lesson to him not to hurt those he loves or put himself in their shoes.

Oh lovely, I think you’ve (very understandably) conflated your disability, history of abuse, fears about him turning out like his df and your ds’ unfortunately all-too-normal teenager tendencies.

Teens are very hard on the self esteem at the best of times. They look at us to figure out who they are and what their place is in the world, and it starts by figuring out that they are separate from us. I like to imagine them as swimmers, and myself as the wall of the swimming pool, safely holding their space but every so often they come and kick off hard against my wall. It’s a silly metaphor but it helps to remind myself that it’s all normal development and essential personal growth.

It’s still important to pull them up when they’re being little shites, and there’s nothing wrong with showing them real feelings. You’re doing a good job.

Be careful not to jump from your ds being a thoughtless kid, to the behaviour of an adult abuser - he has years of brain development ahead of him still and you at his side to guide him. Don’t waver in your belief in him as a fundamentally good kid (he’s got half your genes and you to nurture him so the odds are excellent)

He wants you to change your behaviour and you said you wouldn't but he couldn't actually specify a behaviour that he didn't like?

This doesn't make much sense really. If you don't even know what the issue is, how can you change it?

I think it all hinges on what is bothering him. If it's cuddling him and kissing him goodbye outside the school gate or holding his hand to cross the road then he has a point. If it's something daft like your clothes or the way you talk then probably best just to laugh at him and ignore, or tell him it's hurtful to criticise people, as you did. Hopefully he got the message and will be a bit more respectful in future..

The birthday present thing is fair enough, let him choose his own stuff, I don't see why you would care that he doesn't like HG Wells.

I'm 45 and still find my parents extremely embarrassing... I do tell them not to do certain things in public. They don't seem to care or change their ways though

The book thing makes sense. He probably perceived it (obviously wrongly) as "mum's trying to tell me what to read!!" and objected to what he felt was an attempt to control his tastes. As opposed to it just being a thoughtful gift, which is all it was in reality.

I remember feeling like this as a teen. I wanted to be the first person in the world to discover a band or a book or a movie. Because I was so unique and a total individual 😁 I hated "helpful suggestions" from my mum and even worse was when she was bloody right and I loved whatever it was she'd recommended to me 🤣 Rage inducing!

Ignore the PP trying to kick you when you're down. The lad has been an arse, as teenagers frequently are. He's hurt your feelings and you've reacted like someone whose feelings have been hurt. You're human! I'd probably apologise for overreacting, tell him that you do want to understand him and always want to hear what's on his mind, but he has to understand that there are ways of saying things and he can put boundaries down without being hurtful. Depending on how it goes, you could always try and initiate a chat about the things he's finding embarrassing at that point. But I wouldn't push it if it seems like he won't be receptive, lest you be accused of being embarrassing again!

durundundun Good point. I don't know what to say sorry for. I'm not sorry for being upset but I'm not sure I made that clear.

This is normal pulling away from you stuff. My 12 year old finds me embarrassing. Sometimes she pretends we are not together. She’s very specific that it is the way I look, and the way that i talk that make me embarrassing. If I touch her in any way in public that is particularly mortifying. There is no need to apologise. He said something hurtful and you got upset and told him so. You weren’t mean or critical. I often tell my 12 year old that she has really hurt my feelings.

It’s completely normal though. Try not to take it to heart.

He wasn't cruel

He was telling you how he felt

Most teens find their parents embarrassing

Your son should be able to say how he feels without you crying and using tears as a weapon

As for Christmas and birthday gifts - buy him what he wants or give him cash

This.

My dd made me cry last week. I love her but she can be fucking horrible at times. I’ve got ignoring and rising above down to a fine art now, even when she’s at her worst but last week she caught me at a bad time. Dh and I had just watched the Rob Burrow programme. I’d made it through without tears even though it was dreadful. Dd came downstairs and asked why I was watching it and said I was so sad for watching depressing stuff all the time. I couldn’t help it, I cried. Even dh, who never sees anything wrong in her behaviour, told her to pack it in on this occasion (he’d been close to tears himself when watching).

The only other time I’ve cried in front of dd was when I lost my dm. I wasn’t being manipulative I was just sad and upset. Yes we should rise above but mums have feelings too and sometimes they bloody well come out. We’re only human.

Op there is nothing wrong with your dc seeing you cry on occasion. It won’t hurt him to know that you have feelings that can be hurt. I’m sorry you were upset and I hope you’re feeling better now.

She wasn't using tears as a weapon ffs, what on earth makes you think that? The crying was an involuntary reaction to being hurt. If you had a disability and you thought your child thought less of you for it, you'd probably be upset. I actually think it's quite likely the boy's embarrassment is nothing to do with the disability and everything to do with teenagers being crushingly conservative about their parents and prone to cringing at nothing...but it's not hard to see why OP might take this harder than most.

Theothername you've pretty much just hit the nail on the head. I am worried that he'll turn out like his dad. He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away.

Just tell him you found his comment hurtful at the time and that's why you reacted as you did.

Follow it up with you want him to know he can express how he feels and say to him in future you'll try not to take it to heart as you understand he needs space to grow etc. Then say you want him to feel he has that space.

Then go about your day.

I think this is completely normal, I can remember being mortified by my parents when I was that age! My dd found me so embarrassing she refused to walk next to me anywhere public for about 4 years 😂

You're in for some tough teen years if you are this upset about fairly normal 12yo behaviour...

If it helps dd is now 18yo and doesn't think I'm that embarrassing anymore.

You don't need to apologise. You are human and you communicated that you were upset. You have nothing to apologise for.

Fargo79 your right. I do suggest books, films, TV programmes, bands which he thinks are rubbish! The fool!

Summerflames thanks, I'll do this.

I'm sorry you're hurt, my 12yo finds us very embarrassing. If we go out she walks two steps behind, I guess to pretend she's not with us. I just call back "come on baby duck, follow Mummy!" That usually resolves the issue a little. And I wouldn't be hurt if she suggested a different present, I want her to like what she gets.
This is all normal for their age, you need thick skin to be a parent.

I agree with this.

I would consider my child being able to tell me about something they weren't happy about (yes, even if it were me) to be a positive thing.
There is no way I would try and shut down him being able to tell you stuff.
His home should be a safe place where he can tell you things.

As a parent to a nearly teen, you have to understand a bit of normal child development means they will start to pull away from you / assert independence / challenge 'norms' for your family or from what his parents typically display. All teens do it to a greater or lesser extent. Now is a great time to use humour to get through, as so many have suggested.

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

He's at the age that any small 'different' thing about his parents is going to be embarrassing to him. (in fact, anything about his parents will be just embarrassing 😂😂)
He may possibly find your too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way of speaking too difficult to verbalise and explain to his friends if any of them have picked up on it - because not all boys of that age have the vocabulary or confidence to explain the reason for it .... they just want to 'fit in'.

And, totally agree with PP that, at a certain age, it's your job as a responsible parent to embarrass your children at every opportunity 😎😎

But, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and your DS needs to learn this - sadly it takes a while for teenagers to learn that parents aren't as awful and embarrassing as they thought! 🙄😂😂

So, hang on in there, carry on being you - please don't take it to heart (even tho you are, because you're hating that you may have embarrassed your DC) - they will survive!

But it's important that you tell them that it's okay to tell people that someone who has a brain injury may speak more quietly and slowly. Sometimes, kids just need the know the words to use in a situation xx

That jacket would have gone straight back if that happened to me

Not sure if you are joking, but I think that’s a bit mean to say to your daughter! Though I appreciate deliberately embarrassing your children can be very tempting when they take umbrage at very minor things.

Tell him it’s not your job to be and act exactly how he pleases, it’s your job to parent him and turn him into a decent human. It sounds like he’s hit a nerve. It wouldn’t bother me if my DC said this, it’s pretty normal.

He is asserting his independence. It must feel very hurtful but you've got to roll with it. He is not his father so you shouldn't make those comparisons. Why does he seem his father if he is abusive? Is it court mandated? Perfectly normal for a teenager to not want adult early 20C books for Christmas! Don't take it personally and make it about you.

It's your duty as a parent to be embarrassing to teenagers (and preteens). You have done nothing wrong. You are rocking it. (It's payback for when they 'embarrassed' you as a toddler

They get over it eventually.