AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

Pretty sure it's his job at that age to find you embarrassing. My 8 year old loves me to bits but if I'm singing in the kitchen he will say FFS mum, stop it, the neighbours might hear you! Do you know what I do? Sing louder 😂 - because that is MY job! He has the right to think I'm cringe, I have the right to think he's a little boy who will one day think very differently. It's not a hill to die on and don't take the book thing personally, just realised he's 13 now and his tastes and wants are different to how they were 3/4 years ago. Honestly, just move on past it and don't be making it bigger than it needs to be.

He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away.

I'm sorry that you went through that. But seriously, he witnessed that, knows that the abuse gave you brain damage, but thinks his dad is great?

Actually he doesn't say FFS, that was me, but you get the idea!

People seem to be forgetting that you said that you have a brain injury that affects your speech, which may mean that this isn't just the usual teenage embarrassment.

I have no advice, I'm afraid. I am sure others will have.

Honestly, if it's your speech he finds embarrassing, I'd remind him exactly why your speech is different.

You have completely imagined the 'using tears as a weapon' bollocks. Did you miss the bit in the OP about her having a brain injury, and that she suffered years of abuse from someone who would belittle her whenever she was upset? And then her subsequent post mentioning that it was the abuser who caused her brain injury?

Of course the OP is going to feel sensitive about her DS telling his disabled mother not embarrass him in public.

And no, she doesn't need to 'buy him what he wants' - what if he wants something she can't afford? Christmas and birthday presents shouldn't be something that a teenager demands. They can ask for something, which they may or may not receive.

OP, I think it would be good to sit him down and talk to him about what if feels like to be criticised as someone with a brain injury.

Your ex caused your brain injury by abusing you? My God OP that is absolutely awful, I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Echo what other posters are saying about it being very normal for 12 year olds to be embarrassed by their parents, as their parents are always deeply uncool. But if he’s embarrassed by behaviour caused by your brain injury that’s a completely different matter. Your DS needs to understand that some people can be disabled in different ways, and that cannot be helped and is not a thing to be embarrassed about. He needs to be tolerant and accepting of other people’s differences.

And I don’t agree that you manipulated him. Sometimes people cry to show their emotions. This is not a bad thing, and your DS needs to learn about this too.

I’m not surprised you cried after all you’ve been through

Sorry about your injury OP - well done for getting so free of the man who caused it!

The rule is:
-as a teen your own parents are deeply embarrassing - uncool etc.

-Your friends' parents are cool - perfect and you are envious.
This is how life is as an average teen.

It would happen if the parent were perfect in every way.
It happens to celebrity parents and parents who are lauded and loved actors/singers/rock stars.

Yes -your teen will be embarrassed by you from here until he is a man.

It is his fate :)

(Remember all those times he embarrassed you - and try to enjoy this moment!)

The fact that he told you about his feelings suggests that you have been a particularly successful parent so far. He talks to you!

Your reaction should remind him that you are as human as he is (despite being the most uncool person in the whole wide world).

You are right to pull him up on his lack of tact and lack of insight. He will learn and be a better man for it.

Thanks all for your replies. He didn't say anything specific I did. I did ask for an example but he said he had none.

Then it seems like he was deliberately trying to needle you. Which may also be a teenage thing.

Tell him when he can tell you something specific you might think about it. But you're not going to go and live in a cave until he's 21.

all three of my kids were mortified by me in their early teens. I remember my confusion when my eldest first walked on the opposite side of the road to me in case one of her friends saw me with her. However I can remember dying of embarrassment about my own parents. It’s really normal. I am not disabled and behaved pretty normally but they still cringed at everything I did. It’s a developmental stage so I’d assume your son is being a a near-teen rather than it being specifically about your disability. Mine all grew out of being embarrassed thank god as it is tiresome. I’m very sorry you’ve had such a shockingly awful time. Must be very hard to see your son liking his father when he’s a monster but try not to assume he will turn out to be the same as his dad just because he’s going through this stage.

Tell him that you haven’t even begun to be embarrassing! Own it!

I've properly caught up with the thread now and with what you said 'He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away'

How old was DS when he witnessed this?

There's nothing wrong with saying (calmly and factually) that what happened is the reason for 'the way I act in public that affects him. '

You're not asking him to take sides. You're still the mother he loves and still the mother who loves him - but you're stating the facts of the matter to explain the situation ........ and he's old enough to understand x

You're taking that very personally, your taste differing from his doesn't make it awful, or him wanting more say as a soon to be teen doesn't mean your taste is awful either. My tween DD who I'm very close too has made it clear at times Im cringe, or using the wrong words, embarassing, and will no longer hug in public. It's them growing up and away which is very normal.

Having been through it with an abusive XH too, is it possible your DS is triggering you into those emotional response pattens you had with his father? I know I have to be much more careful with my DS and check my reactions because he parrots things XH tells them and looks a lot like his Dad, and was triggering that cycle of fear/anger/need to justify myself. Im having to give myself a moment, take a deep breath or three, recenter and make sure my response is reasonable before responding so I respond to DS and DS only.

My DSs both think their Dad is great, I won't say anything about this because its not in my children's best interests to be put in the middle of adult issues. Its also a well known defence method for children in a dangerous situation to side with the abuser. The safe parent cops all the shitty things, all the bad emotions because they're safe.

My XH says all sorts which upsets my DD. She said DS1 always agrees with him sometimes even starts the talk trashing me. I know DS1 loves me and I don't care what he feels he needs to say to stay in his Dad's good books. Im the safe parent and I will not put them in the middle even more then XH has done already. My DD is the eldest and to my greatest regret saw enough that she can't pretend the abuse never happened. I would much prefer she was clueless than having my tween carry that burden because I couldn't find a way out sooner. Its not better for them when they recognise and internalise the abuse and realise what their father's really like. If I could chose I would rather DD was more oblivious like her brother's.

She finds it amusing because it is. It's like a magnet behind me if I step to the right so does she..just like a baby duck...or maybe a shadow. Anywhere but next to me! I think it's so I don't try to talk to her in public but then I have to talk louder because she can't hear me mean mum!

Yabu to have being crying all day about this... literally ALL teens sat thus to their parents at some point. Please do not take this personally. He will look back and be ashamed about saying it.
Teens are so self conscious abd they get uptight about what the people around them are doing too.. it's a phase they go thru and they can't really help it. Of course you were right to tell him it was wrong to say.. but I wouldn't dwell on it to the extent I'd be crying all day.
He doesn't really mean it. It's just social anxiety that most teens go thru

If it helps you feel any better, I’m also “embarrassing”. And I remember vividly how embarrassed I felt if I saw any or my school peers whilst out with my folks. I really do think it’s just a normal phase.
The books thing, again, anything parents like must automatically be uncool. My lad is 13 and is slowly starting to play the same music that was “cringe” and “old” to him a year or two ago. I still can’t recommend anything to him, he has to find it himself and decide if he likes it. It’s just part of growing up xx

Don't worry about it OP, it's standard. I saw this on FB last week and showed mine it and they laughed saying, yeah that's right. Sent it to other teen parents too and they all laughed at how relatable it is, especially 'breathe' 😂
https://www.facebook.com/reel/389273877449234?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

I'm disabled following an accident.

My teens also told me I was embarrassing.

For birthdays and Christmas I recommend getting him to write a list. Then you can be confident he'll like what you get him.

I understand why this hurt you so much but it is standard teen behaviour and it will help if you can detach from that.

It’s normal. My son wouldn’t walk near me last week because I was wearing yellow trousers. So normal. We laugh about it and see the funny side. They can’t help it. It’s where they are in their development. Keep it light. They don’t mean any harm, they’re just awkward.

I must be embarrassing because I never once thought my parents were embarrassing.

Hi @TheQuickCat just popping in to say that all kids this age find their parents embarrassing. They get over it in a few years. They also want more autonomy and part of that involves “fitting in” with their mates. They will want the same clothes and presents as anyone else. I used to buy some cheap stocking fillers and give generic gift vouchers so they could choose their main thing unless they had been “hinting” (and sticking to this particular item right up until Christmas:
/Bday). At 12 kids start to lean into the terrible teens. They’re less careful about what they say and do. It doesn’t make it okay to hurt anyone though.
I don’t know if your brain injury makes you more emotional - it does for a lot of people. If your child has an understanding of your brain injury, they will probably want to protect you at all costs and at the same time, be burdened by the responsibility they have placed upon themself. You need to tell them that you’re in charge of how you feel and how you react, not them.

The boy isn't "wrong" though. If he finds his mother embarrassing, then he finds her embarrassing, it's his opinion. I thought all teenagers were supposed to be embarrassed by their parents, a natural prep to flying the nest.

Whilst it's normal for teens to find parents embarrassing it's not acceptable to be rude.

I'd say to him if you tell me something specific I can decide whether to change it or not but just telling me I'm embarrassing is rude and unacceptable.

I'd be clear I wasn't being spoken to that way.

Does he still see his dad?

i have knowledge and understanding of traumatic brain injury.

Yes I agree with all the previous posters about age and stage behaviours that your son is displaying.

However, I imagine your TBI complicates things for both you and your son.
I respectfully suggest that you get in touch with your local Headway team, as well as providing support for you, they might have a youth worker that can work with or have a chat with your son about the behaviours you are displaying that he is finding embarrassing.

Good luck