AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

Thanks everyone for your replies. How should I respond to him without invalidating his feelings or appearing to manipulate him? I was upset and cried. I never do that. Was this really that bad?

I'm not normally bothered about being seen as embarrassing. I've really liked the story about the embarrassing owl 🦉. I know it can be weird what a teenager finds embarrassing. I was just so surprised at what he said and how I reacted.

Pretty much all kids that age find their parents embarrassing

please do not take it to heart so much, I think you are over reacting

You could say “It hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that, it’s not nice for me”

in my case I tried to laugh it off and said it was my job as a parent to make him feel embarrassed , and that he hadn’t seen anything yet 😁

find a way to respond that suits you, and try to not take it to heart so much

It's a very unusual 12 year old who would be pleased to receive an HG wells book for their birthday. Maybe time to switch to birthday money.

Whatafustercluck

Yes I think that's what has upset me the most. What he said.

WalkingaroundJardine I've had counseling and it has helped but not hugely.

Par for the course with teenagers I’m afraid but it sounds like his comments touched a nerve for you and you’ve assumed it’s to do with your speech.

My reply to my teen with these sorts of comments was “Good, that’s my job” or “You’re welcome”. She got over it and we now have a lovely relationship.

My oldest is so embarrassed by me (he’s twenty but very young for his age so emotionally more like a 16 year old for reasons I won’t bore you with) when his friends / work colleagues say something complimentary about me he looks at me as if it’s the first time he’s ever seen me. Like it’s a huge surprise that I’m there 🤣 it’s totally because he doesn’t see me like they do.

It’s also a manipulation technique to treat someone badly and then blame them for getting upset about that.

He's a teen, and won’t have meant it but that doesn’t make his behaviour OK.

I doubt he meant the way you speak/act relating to your brain injury is embarrassing as he's grown up and he's used to you. It's probably something unrelated. I embarrass my 8 year old. Unfortunately for him it's my job to be embarrassing. But if he was actually upset about it and not embarrassed I'm a jokey way I would ask him specifically what it was and try to change because I'd hate for him not to be able to talk to me or tell him if he thinks somethings wrong. Or to feel he can't talk to me for fear of upsetting me.

I can understand why you're upset but I think most teenagers will call their parents embarrassing at some point. I remember as a teenager being embarrassed by my parents at times

Regarding the Xmas gift he's probably just growing up - maybe get him a gift voucher so he can choose what he wants.

FunIsland it's so funny when they get an inkling of the "real" you. Your not just an embarrassing appendage 😂

Honestly, just my parents speaking in front of my friends embarrassed me as a kid. I look back now and think how utterly ridiculous I was over it, but it’s just part of growing up.
Smile, nod and say “never mind dear, you’ll get your own back when you have kids”

I totally understand, and you're going to need to grow a thicker skin! Sounds like you're just at the beginning of this tricky phase. I have older teenagers now and they (one in particular) can be fkg horrible. Especially to me (their safe place... it's a compliment.. blah, blah, blah). I get really hurt and upset and it feels so unfair when I do more for them and love them more than anyone. I try not to show it, and try to remember it's a phase.. that will pass 🤞 but i find it very difficult. I have a traumatic past (not my kids fault / problem of course) and I've worked so hard to give them a better childhood than mine. The way are to me sometimes, feels very unjust and I wish I could take them back in time like Scrooge to give them a glimpse of my early experiences. But, I guess this is the sacrifice we make as parents. We put them first, and thats the right thing to do. It's not all bad, but it's nothing like I thought it would be. I'm at the stage now, where my children's priorities are elsewhere (16&18) and I need to start focusing on thinking of myself and my needs and wants. I'm always here for them of course and always will be... but I do have rights and so do you. I try not to whine, or 'guilt trip' it's not fair or dignified and makes everyone, including me, respect me even less. Hope you have support. Best of luck 🌷

He told her she was embarrassing and she was in the wrong for invalidating his feelings? Honestly he’ll have to get over that.

My dd is always on at me for being loud and too chatty. That’s me. I’m not apologising. Tbf we’re more jokey about it but I’m sure there’s truth there.

DS2 physically blocked the doorway once when he was 12 - to prevent me from going to parents evening with toadstool earrings in!

I understand that it is extra upsetting if his embarrassment is linked to your disability - but are you sure that's the case? If it is, then you need an open dialogue about it so you can understand each other better and find a compromise, even if that's bruising for you.

It’s his age. At that point my son wouldn’t let us have music on in the car in case anyone heard, the convertible roof wasn’t allowed down despite it being his favourite thing in the world, I could go on. We had to be invisible. My son is nearly 16 now and is over it now. Hang on in there! And don’t take it personally. They all say it.

Typical teenager. Not about you. They are spreading their wings and growing up.
I can understand why you're upset but it really isn't personal
Meanie teenies I'm afraid

If it's any consolation my kids (11 & 8) find me embarrassing on the regular. I'm just not cool in their eyes. It's a rite of passage for them and for me I actually revel in it just a little bit as I think every parent embarrasses their kid ar some stage. I don't go out of my way to embarrass them, I'm just being me but it does make me chuckle when they call me "cringe".

Try not to take it to heart OP, they will grow out of it.

I’ve been called embarrassed by my 2 sons more than I can remember! I just laughed each time to be honest, I think it’s a part of growing up to be embarrassed by parents. That said it depends on what he said, if it was cruel and uncalled for then he definitely needs pulling up on it.

Thanks everyone for your replies. How should I respond to him without invalidating his feelings or appearing to manipulate him?

When my dc told me I was embarrassing, I would reply "It's my job. I'm your mother"

IT would be a little odd if your child got through puberty without finding you embarrassing in some way. Might just be the fact you breathe, or you accidently sneezed once, or you said "Bye love" when in ear shot of anyone else, or the fact you dropped him off somewhere, or you didn't drop him off somewhere, or you went to watch his concert / match, or you didn't go to watch it. It isn't you, it is puberty hitting him.

Embrace it! I love being an embarrassing parent m. I love cooking up little plans that I know will make them "cringe" 😂

ButWhatAboutTheBees

I really don't think I was manipulating him. He said something cruel and I reacted by crying. It wasn't a great response but it was honestly how I felt. I will apologise to him though.

Crying in response to something upsetting to you is a perfectly valid response. I hate all this, guilt tactic/trauma dumping/manipulation - whilst yes, I guess some people may do this generally people can't help crying when upset. We are all human.

I'm also embarrassing according to my teen. I enjoy it. I use it to wind her up in a jokey way. For example When on our way to drop her with friends il tell her I'm coming in to say hello to her pals and make sure I give her a big hug goodbye. She absolutely hates it but laughs begging me not up.

I was recently invited along with her to her friends party so I could sit with the friends mum for a glass of wine and chat. Teen begged me not to go. When I said other mums were going I was told "yea but that's x mum and y mum they are not embarrassing to me" haha I still went. Cf then came over and suddenly it was all "can you get me a drink bestie, can I have some money bestie". I swear teens are here to test our patience for old age.

My DD started finding us very embarrassing from the age of 11 and I remember being embarrassed by my parents. It's pretty normal.