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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Agreed to something I shouldn’t have, AIBU

289 replies

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:55

Months ago we agreed to cat-sit for our neighbour for 4 days while they went away. We’ve done it once before, a year ago. When she asked again in possibly January time I said no problem. We do this for free btw

I found out about a month ago that this week is going to be really busy for us and minding their cat is an extra pressure and stress that isn’t needed. I made an excuse politely then and asked my neighbour to ask her family instead. She seemed a bit annoyed and said it was only three times a day, but she would ask. Her family all have ‘a lot on’ so nobody can do it for her.

I am not the best at being assertive in these situations so I said I’m sure we can make it work, somehow. They don’t get on holiday much and I felt guilty. Anyway I was under the impression it was just to feed the cat but we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day. Also the cat will need litter tray changing more frequently due to this and I’m pregnant. DH could do it but he works much longer days than me so isn’t going to be able to do the 3x a day. Longwinded way of saying we cannot do it and I’m now stressed and feeling guilty there is no way out of it. We are moving house in 3 weeks anyway so in theory don’t have to have much to do with them then but I’m possibly the biggest people pleaser going and I would always try to honour any commitment for somebody.

What can I do? They go away tomorrow. We have other neighbours who have previously done this for them before but I’m worried they’ll be annoyed at us if we don’t.

OP posts:
Blarneytalk · 09/06/2024 12:57

If they're going tomorrow, it's going to be very tricky. If you really can't do it, you need to tell them now.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/06/2024 12:58

You agreed. Months ago. And then when asked again you said you would make it work.
they won’t be annoyed at you if you don’t do it, they will be downright furious, and rightly so.

there are times to back out of a commitment like this. The day before they go on holiday is not one of them.

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 09/06/2024 12:58

Is there a reason why your neighbour can't put the cat in a cattery?

ETA - asking to give an idea of options available.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 09/06/2024 12:58

If they go away tomorrow I think you suck it up, really. What else is she supposed to do now if she goes tomorrow. I would be really fucked off with you if it were me.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:58

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/06/2024 12:58

You agreed. Months ago. And then when asked again you said you would make it work.
they won’t be annoyed at you if you don’t do it, they will be downright furious, and rightly so.

there are times to back out of a commitment like this. The day before they go on holiday is not one of them.

Only found out about the frequency of visits yesterday.

OP posts:
Feelingstrange2 · 09/06/2024 12:58

Giving medication changes it completely in my view. If its pills then its a no no as I can't even get our cat to take them it's a right palaver.

You are right, it's rather late in the day to say no, but surely you've only just been told about the medication? You shouldn't be told, they should have asked as it changes things completely.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:58

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 09/06/2024 12:58

Is there a reason why your neighbour can't put the cat in a cattery?

ETA - asking to give an idea of options available.

Edited

To save money

OP posts:
napody · 09/06/2024 12:59

Tricky one- with more notice id say YANBU but you can't expect them to be pleased with one day's notice! Were you there 3x a day last time? If they've only just mentioned it's 3x I think you can tell them it'll be once/twice like last time, and they'll have to make their own decision about how to do the medication/ask the vet if they can extend the course. Next time, say no! It's quite a lot to ask.

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 09/06/2024 12:59

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:58

To save money

Show quote history

Could you offer to pay towards the cattery fees, given that you are letting them down at the last minute?

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:59

napody · 09/06/2024 12:59

Tricky one- with more notice id say YANBU but you can't expect them to be pleased with one day's notice! Were you there 3x a day last time? If they've only just mentioned it's 3x I think you can tell them it'll be once/twice like last time, and they'll have to make their own decision about how to do the medication/ask the vet if they can extend the course. Next time, say no! It's quite a lot to ask.

No once.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 13:00

we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day.

When exactly did they tell you that the visits needed to be 3 times a day, @whoopswhatdoido ?

I would have gone straight round there and said no. I agreed to once a day which I told you was now going to be hard but I agreed as you are so desperate. I cannot do 3x a day-it isn’t possible. They need to cancel their holiday if they can’t rearrange plans-that is a big ask and they need a pet sitter.

Did they literally tell you when you write your OP? That is an unreasonable request to make the day before their holiday.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:00

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 09/06/2024 12:59

Could you offer to pay towards the cattery fees, given that you are letting them down at the last minute?

Show quote history

They also gave the reason she doesn’t like other cats 🙈

OP posts:
Asparename · 09/06/2024 13:00

I don’t think you should be changing cat litter when you are pregnant should you?! And you did let her know a month ago it would be difficult for you. Could you send your husband round to tell her no? Her family should be stepping up to help her.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:00

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 13:00

we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day.

When exactly did they tell you that the visits needed to be 3 times a day, @whoopswhatdoido ?

I would have gone straight round there and said no. I agreed to once a day which I told you was now going to be hard but I agreed as you are so desperate. I cannot do 3x a day-it isn’t possible. They need to cancel their holiday if they can’t rearrange plans-that is a big ask and they need a pet sitter.

Did they literally tell you when you write your OP? That is an unreasonable request to make the day before their holiday.

Edited

Yesterday

OP posts:
napody · 09/06/2024 13:01

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:59

No once.

Show quote history

I think reasonable to stick to once daily this time then. They should have asked again when they realised they were asking for 3 times as many visits! That's like them tripling the length of their holiday and just expecting you to still do it.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:01

Asparename · 09/06/2024 13:00

I don’t think you should be changing cat litter when you are pregnant should you?! And you did let her know a month ago it would be difficult for you. Could you send your husband round to tell her no? Her family should be stepping up to help her.

That’s my biggest worry, to be honest. I don’t think I need him to speak for me, he would do it himself but he works 12 hour days so the poor cat would be going too long so it’s not really an option

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 09/06/2024 13:02

If they go away tomorrow they don't have much time to make alternative arrangements.

Do what you can.

The littter tray will not need changing three times a day unless they have 20 cats or it shits everywhere.

Feeding it - just try to do it.

Medication is actually quite unreasonable to ask a random neighbour I have given many cats medication and it is an art and requires experience! Again, just say to neighbour you will do what you can.

If the cat will die without meds then honestly they should be paying for someone to look after it.

BlueMum16 · 09/06/2024 13:02

Speak to them again.

Ask if a family member can do one or two visits a day and you'll do the other one.

Explain you are pregnant so cat litter can be dangerous so you are unable to do it. They should be able to put a second tray down until family can change it.

If you find yourself doing the litter, use gloves and tip completely into a bin bag and refill. Less chance of any contact. Wash hands thoroughly. Can you DH then do either the AM or PM around their work. It's only a few days

Justme2023123 · 09/06/2024 13:02

You don't need to change the cat litter 3 times a day, so your husband can do that when he gets in.
I do think it's a bit off that they're only telling you now about the medication, but equally I think it's too late for you to drop out.

Tulipshaped · 09/06/2024 13:03

I wouldn't want to be messing around with cat litter etc if I were pregnant. You should have said no before now really though. Could you split the jobs up between various neighbours and DH?

Mix56 · 09/06/2024 13:03

You should not have contact with her cat which may scratch/bite/resist.
Toxoplasmose can cause eye lesions in babies.

poetrylover · 09/06/2024 13:04

But you're giving no notice so thats not fair on them. Suck it up and never agree again. Change the litter once (husband obviously). It won't take long to feed/give them meds.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 13:04

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:00

Yesterday

Show quote history

and what did you respond?

Surely yesterday, as soon as you got that message about the change of plans, you went round there, yes?

Greengrapeofhome · 09/06/2024 13:04

I would say that you can do what you did last time which is one visit a day. Due to the last minute notice of the medication you can’t accommodate that but happy to help them by doing one visit a day and changing litter once daily. Anything else they will have to ask family for. They are unreasonable for dropping extra responsibility on you one day before the holiday knowing you’ll feel you have no choice

TheSnowyOwl · 09/06/2024 13:05

Catteries are usually full many months in advance so you haven’t given your neighbour enough notice.

Why can’t your husband change the litter tray morning and night? Or else prepare a third clean one for you to put down at midday if three a day really is essential? That avoids you worrying about cat litter given you are pregnant (although decent protective gloves and mask will also do the job of your husband can’t).

I think YABU. You can’t reasonably change your mind regarding this now. You have to find a way to make it work.