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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Agreed to something I shouldn’t have, AIBU

289 replies

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:55

Months ago we agreed to cat-sit for our neighbour for 4 days while they went away. We’ve done it once before, a year ago. When she asked again in possibly January time I said no problem. We do this for free btw

I found out about a month ago that this week is going to be really busy for us and minding their cat is an extra pressure and stress that isn’t needed. I made an excuse politely then and asked my neighbour to ask her family instead. She seemed a bit annoyed and said it was only three times a day, but she would ask. Her family all have ‘a lot on’ so nobody can do it for her.

I am not the best at being assertive in these situations so I said I’m sure we can make it work, somehow. They don’t get on holiday much and I felt guilty. Anyway I was under the impression it was just to feed the cat but we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day. Also the cat will need litter tray changing more frequently due to this and I’m pregnant. DH could do it but he works much longer days than me so isn’t going to be able to do the 3x a day. Longwinded way of saying we cannot do it and I’m now stressed and feeling guilty there is no way out of it. We are moving house in 3 weeks anyway so in theory don’t have to have much to do with them then but I’m possibly the biggest people pleaser going and I would always try to honour any commitment for somebody.

What can I do? They go away tomorrow. We have other neighbours who have previously done this for them before but I’m worried they’ll be annoyed at us if we don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:05

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 13:04

and what did you respond?

Surely yesterday, as soon as you got that message about the change of plans, you went round there, yes?

Show quote history

I didn’t, I haven’t been feeling well

OP posts:
LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 09/06/2024 13:06

It won't take long to feed/give them meds.

The meds bit depends on the cat! If it's pills it can involve chasing them round the house for hours, or coaxing them to eat them crushed in food, pushing the crushed tablets around so they don't eat around them.

TheSnowyOwl · 09/06/2024 13:07

Also, ultimately your husband alone can make it work. Feed and medicate before he goes to work, as soon as he gets home and immediately before he goes to bed. Unless it’s insulin? If so, you are going to have to sort out giving the medication and food at the right times but your husband can still do the litter trays.

Namedispute · 09/06/2024 13:08

It’s awkward but you are now in the wrong…

id say “I’m pregnant so can’t change cat litter, I can drop in at X time and Y time each day, anything else please ask your family” the end.

Bournetilly · 09/06/2024 13:09

It’s too late to cancel now that’s really unfair but I think saying you only agreed to once a day and that’s all you can do is fine. You didn’t agree to 3 times a day so they can’t expect this.

You will be fine changing the litter with gloves on and good hand washing afterwards or your DH can do this once a day. They could buy an extra litter tray for the cat.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:09

I’ve definitely messed up in not just saying ‘no’ after I’d told her I couldn’t do it. I’m such a worrier that I’d be too worried to deal with the cat litter or even get too close to the cat tbh as someone else has pointed out, can scratch or anything. We have another neighbour who they speak to more who has had the cat previously so not sure why they haven’t asked them.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 13:10

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:05

I didn’t, I haven’t been feeling well

Show quote history

So do you mean that you haven’t responded at all?

Too ill to send a short text saying they have massively changed the goal posts and you can do once a day as they asked but not more?

How odd.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 09/06/2024 13:10

You can't pull out the day before. Completely unreasonable.

Although I suppose if you are moving in 3 weeks you could always take the fuck em approach - but you are still completely unreasonable.

neverbeenskiing · 09/06/2024 13:11

You have 2 choices.

1.) Tell them now that you can only do one visit a day to feed the cat, and that this is what you thought you were agreeing to as you did one visit a day last time. Your DH sorts the cat litter, which he can do on his way to or from work. Accept neighbours will likely be upset as it's very last minute, but that's not your problem.

2.) Suck it up as you've left it very late now to let them down. Do the 3 visits a day for food and meds, DH sorts the cat litter either on way to or from work. It will be a pain in the arse but its only for 4 days.

Either way you need to stop dithering and make a decision.

Itsonlymashadow · 09/06/2024 13:11

When did you first tell her you couldn’t do it?

Beryls · 09/06/2024 13:12

Before you even knew it was 3x a day you were trying to back out of it because you've got a lot on. Don't agree to things in the future if you don't want to commit to it. Would be totally unfair to back out now.

Roundroundthegarden · 09/06/2024 13:13

Honestly you need to stand up for yourself. You want to take risks in your pregnancy to honour a commitment where they didn't have the decency to let you know how much of a burden this has turned out to be. In fact knowing you are pregnant they didn't care, did they??
Why are you so bothered then? Doesn't it upset you how little they thought of you and instead only of themselves. With you moving in 3 weeks it makes this much easier for you. Get your dh to go around and say unfortunately you won't be doing it as the risks are too much for you to take on, he has to work unexpectedly longer hours and leave it to them to sort out. I wouldn't even feel bad that it's the last minute as they clearly do not care about you or your pregnancy!!

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:13

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 13:10

So do you mean that you haven’t responded at all?

Too ill to send a short text saying they have massively changed the goal posts and you can do once a day as they asked but not more?

How odd.

Show quote history

I have responded, I’ve asked again if they could ask their family to do that bit but no reply

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 09/06/2024 13:14

You've left it too late to pull out. You need to get on with it and learn to stop saying yes then have to volunteer your husband to help. I'd be bloody annoyed if I was him .

Octavia64 · 09/06/2024 13:14

Even if you intend to do the meds if you don't have experience (like vet level experience) it'll be tricky.

I had a cat that had to go on permanent meds (kidney problems and blood pressure issues) and it was very difficult.

A cat that needs meds should either have a cattery or a proper cat sitter (that's what I do as mine hate catteries)

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:14

Roundroundthegarden · 09/06/2024 13:13

Honestly you need to stand up for yourself. You want to take risks in your pregnancy to honour a commitment where they didn't have the decency to let you know how much of a burden this has turned out to be. In fact knowing you are pregnant they didn't care, did they??
Why are you so bothered then? Doesn't it upset you how little they thought of you and instead only of themselves. With you moving in 3 weeks it makes this much easier for you. Get your dh to go around and say unfortunately you won't be doing it as the risks are too much for you to take on, he has to work unexpectedly longer hours and leave it to them to sort out. I wouldn't even feel bad that it's the last minute as they clearly do not care about you or your pregnancy!!

Thank you for this. And you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:16

InSpainTheRain · 09/06/2024 13:14

You've left it too late to pull out. You need to get on with it and learn to stop saying yes then have to volunteer your husband to help. I'd be bloody annoyed if I was him .

Thanks, I don’t think he’ll be annoyed as he loves me and would help me out, as I would him.

OP posts:
EmmaPeele · 09/06/2024 13:16

What would have happened if you'd suddenly become ill. They should have had a back up plan. When you have a pet it's your own responsibility to look after it, it's a big ask to want someone to visit 3 times a day and administer medication. I can appreciate they are now in a predicament but they should have checked with you about the increased responsibility earlier. Their only option is to beg their family to help as a one off, or failing that put an emergency notice on social media asking for either a cat sitter, someone who boards cats individually in their own home or someone who'll call at their house and look after the cat. These options are going to cost them money but that's the responsibility you take on when you get a pet. Put yourself, baby and husband first. It's their problem not yours but for goodness sake, tell them immediately.

Candleabra · 09/06/2024 13:16

What a mess. She is being unreasonable but so are you for not sticking to your guns when you originally raised it as an issue. By saying you’d make it work you have now made it your problem.
Why didn’t you say you couldn’t cat sit as soon as you knew you were pregnant? You definitely shouldn’t be changing cat litter.

Thst said, she has walked all over you. I couldn’t in good conscience put so much onto a pregnant neighbour. She doesn’t sound nice.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/06/2024 13:16

3 times a day is too much. Mine get fed twice a day so I have auto feeders so my neighbour only has to come in once a day. I have multi feeder ones so the neighbour could pop in every other day if she wanted, although she likes the opportunity to escape her kids.

Roundroundthegarden · 09/06/2024 13:18

Op NOW needs to take on giving meds to the cat, increased litter mess and then go around 3x a day if there's mess and accidents to give the meds.
AND what if the cat lashes out or doesn't take the meds? Is op then responsible if it gets sick? Not to mention if it scratches her. I would be furious at their lack of consideration placing this on someone let alone someone pregnant. They are too cheap to pay for proper care for their cat, but put op in a risky situation.

Get your dh to deal with it if you can't, and then they are hopefully away for most of the next 3 weeks and then you don't need to feel bad about seeing them.

Grasshopper75 · 09/06/2024 13:18

Giving cats medication can be really difficult. Our cats are lovely but they won't eat tablets hidden in food! Me and DH have to hold them while the other person wears gardening gloves and prises their mouth open to make them take it, and even then they sometimes spit it out.

Original poster
whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:20

Candleabra · 09/06/2024 13:16

What a mess. She is being unreasonable but so are you for not sticking to your guns when you originally raised it as an issue. By saying you’d make it work you have now made it your problem.
Why didn’t you say you couldn’t cat sit as soon as you knew you were pregnant? You definitely shouldn’t be changing cat litter.

Thst said, she has walked all over you. I couldn’t in good conscience put so much onto a pregnant neighbour. She doesn’t sound nice.

Not going to lie to anyone on here. I recognise it’s wishy washy and I do feel flaky and would be rightly pissed off myself if someone gave me back word on something like this but I feel as though I’ve made it so so clear to her without actually saying. It’s like having people round in your house and saying ‘right then’, or ‘I’ve got a really early start tomorrow’ and them still outstaying their welcome. The predicament now is piss them off and put us first or appease them and give myself something to worry about. I want to choose the former but I feel guilty about it, I suppose it’s maybe just a lesson learned isn’t it to be a bit firmer next time

OP posts:
TheIceQween · 09/06/2024 13:20

Your neighbours moved the goalposts regarding the cats medication, so YANBU to move the goalposts and change your mind. They are cheeky to expect this of you

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/06/2024 13:20

At this late stage, yes YABU. .