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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Agreed to something I shouldn’t have, AIBU

289 replies

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:55

Months ago we agreed to cat-sit for our neighbour for 4 days while they went away. We’ve done it once before, a year ago. When she asked again in possibly January time I said no problem. We do this for free btw

I found out about a month ago that this week is going to be really busy for us and minding their cat is an extra pressure and stress that isn’t needed. I made an excuse politely then and asked my neighbour to ask her family instead. She seemed a bit annoyed and said it was only three times a day, but she would ask. Her family all have ‘a lot on’ so nobody can do it for her.

I am not the best at being assertive in these situations so I said I’m sure we can make it work, somehow. They don’t get on holiday much and I felt guilty. Anyway I was under the impression it was just to feed the cat but we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day. Also the cat will need litter tray changing more frequently due to this and I’m pregnant. DH could do it but he works much longer days than me so isn’t going to be able to do the 3x a day. Longwinded way of saying we cannot do it and I’m now stressed and feeling guilty there is no way out of it. We are moving house in 3 weeks anyway so in theory don’t have to have much to do with them then but I’m possibly the biggest people pleaser going and I would always try to honour any commitment for somebody.

What can I do? They go away tomorrow. We have other neighbours who have previously done this for them before but I’m worried they’ll be annoyed at us if we don’t.

OP posts:
OneThreadOnly · 09/06/2024 15:34

EmmaPeele · 09/06/2024 14:45

@Singersong
Totally agree.
The only people that should have to "suck it up" are the cat's owners. This will teach them not to rely on free cat care from neighbours when they should pay a professional cat sitter like other people do. If they have to cancel their holiday it will be an unfortunate lesson for them. This is not OP's problem.

I said to suck it up and I am allergic to cats so defo not a cat owner.

EmmaPeele · 09/06/2024 15:36

@Smartiepants79 She's pregnant, if she doesn't feel comfortable doing it then she shouldn't have to. It's not her cat. Ultimately, it's the owner's responsibility. Op has actually said she's not been feeling well. The only thing she should do is tell them immediately today that she's not doing it so that they can make other arrangements.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 15:36

VotesForWomen · 09/06/2024 15:02

I feel as though I’ve made it so so clear to her without actually saying

How's that working out for you?

You haven’t made the situation terribly clear to posters here, which makes me wonder…

EmmaPeele · 09/06/2024 15:39

@OneThreadOnly I never said you were a cat owner? I said the only people that should have to "suck it up" were this particular cat's owners!

Otherstories2002 · 09/06/2024 15:43

Does the cat normally have a litter tray? If no and this is a new thing based on being pregnant it’s a firm no as far as I’m concerned.

semideponent · 09/06/2024 15:44

Could they find someone on rover.com?

Otherstories2002 · 09/06/2024 15:46

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 13:01

That’s my biggest worry, to be honest. I don’t think I need him to speak for me, he would do it himself but he works 12 hour days so the poor cat would be going too long so it’s not really an option

Show quote history

Ok so for me if it was agreed that DH would go round once a day and do litter / feed cat and that’s now changed to 3 times a day and you didn’t know you are not unreasonable to say “we can only do one visit a day, you need to find someone else to do the others”.

OneThreadOnly · 09/06/2024 15:47

EmmaPeele · 09/06/2024 15:39

@OneThreadOnly I never said you were a cat owner? I said the only people that should have to "suck it up" were this particular cat's owners!

sorry I quoted the wrong post, my mistake!

Catsbreakfast · 09/06/2024 15:48

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 09/06/2024 12:59

Could you offer to pay towards the cattery fees, given that you are letting them down at the last minute?

Show quote history

Sorry it’s deluded to think you find a paid sitter or cattery with a days notice in the summer.

Mummy2024 · 09/06/2024 15:52

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:58

Only found out about the frequency of visits yesterday.

Show quote history

I ask my neighbour to feed my cats once a day when I go away, luckily I don't go away much but I still feel guilty asking. I would be livid if they said yes I booked it and then they suddenly were to busy to acctually do it a few days before I went.

That said 3 times a day is to much to put on a neighbour tbh and if they can't see that then there's is something wrong with them.

Tell them you can go and check on the cat once a day in the evening any more visits than that will need to be done by other family members. Thats reasonable if they don't like that then that's on them. They can book a cattery for the cat if it requires that much medical care.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/06/2024 15:59

Agree wtih PP it seems like you knew about the visits being 3x per day at least a week ago, possibly a month ago.

But that the neighbour only made it clear this was to give medication more recently.

I think she said 3x a day a while back, and you agreed but thought you could just pop in once or twice a day and she'd never know, and NOW you realise thats not going to be possible.

The litter trays and being pregnant is a misdirection - you won't have to clean them three times a day, once a day max and likely once every couple of days if theres lots of litter trays down, and thats obviously something your DH can do.

Sorry, I think you've left things FAR too late to back out now. Be clearer earlier on in future if you don't want to do something!

Mummy2024 · 09/06/2024 15:59

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:58

Only found out about the frequency of visits yesterday.

Show quote history

You said you found out a month ago that you were going to be busy and the neighbour said "it's only 3 times a day" so did you find out a month ago? That was your opportunity to say. We can't do 3 times a day.

The fact that they go tomorrow is a nightmare, it would have been much better for you to say a month ago, sorry no we can't do it. Go round straight away now and say you can only do once daily and they need to call family members for the other 2 and the litter tray.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/06/2024 15:59

You are telling them now? Sheesh, that is mean of you.

tkwal · 09/06/2024 16:01

I would worry about the risk of toxoplasmosis from handling the litter tray. If your husband will do that daily then you need to just grit your teeth and go along with the agreement you made. Once their holiday is over you definitely need to work on your assertiveness. No is a complete sentence. You need to practice it.

Catscookbook · 09/06/2024 16:02

Sorry but if you found out a month ago that it was 3x a day then I don’t think you can back out. Ask the other neighbour to help you.

unabletocan · 09/06/2024 16:03

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/06/2024 12:58

You agreed. Months ago. And then when asked again you said you would make it work.
they won’t be annoyed at you if you don’t do it, they will be downright furious, and rightly so.

there are times to back out of a commitment like this. The day before they go on holiday is not one of them.

This. Next time use your words.

rookiemere · 09/06/2024 16:03

It's 4 days and it reads like you knew it would be 3x daily a month ago.
Saying no at this late stage is not great. I would do it but say that this is it and they will need to find alternatives for their other trips, but can they still do reciprocal sitting in August please.

Pancakeorcrepe · 09/06/2024 16:06

You sound ridiculous, precious and annoying.

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2024 16:15

You agreed months ago. It's too short notice to pull out now. It's your fault. I would do it, but ask your husband to do the last feed and change the litter tray in the evenings. Remember this next time they ask and say no. Just say no!

UnbelievableLie · 09/06/2024 16:19

What a load of faff - go in to put the food and meds down in the morning and your husband does the evening + litter change. If you never commited to doing 3 visits a day (which is a lot to ask someone, even if it's next door) then they'll have to accept this is the best you can do.

EmmaPeele · 09/06/2024 16:28

@OneThreadOnly No worries, easily done!

Waffle78 · 09/06/2024 16:37

Whenever we've been away we got a pet sitter I took them to. I've heard too many stories of pet's being forgotten about and pets dieing. I wouldn't expect neighbours to do it. Just 1 less thing to worry about when your away. I would rather pay if they can't afford it they shouldn't have a pet.

queensonia · 09/06/2024 16:37

tell them to buy a timed cat feeder from Argos so you only need to prepare the food once a day. Don’t do anything with cat litter if you’re pregnant. Toxoplasmosis can also cause hydrocephalus in the baby. Easiest way to give a cat medication is to crush the tablet and stir it into a sachet of Licky Licks (or Tasty Lix from Aldi)

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/06/2024 16:40

whoopswhatdoido · 09/06/2024 12:55

Months ago we agreed to cat-sit for our neighbour for 4 days while they went away. We’ve done it once before, a year ago. When she asked again in possibly January time I said no problem. We do this for free btw

I found out about a month ago that this week is going to be really busy for us and minding their cat is an extra pressure and stress that isn’t needed. I made an excuse politely then and asked my neighbour to ask her family instead. She seemed a bit annoyed and said it was only three times a day, but she would ask. Her family all have ‘a lot on’ so nobody can do it for her.

I am not the best at being assertive in these situations so I said I’m sure we can make it work, somehow. They don’t get on holiday much and I felt guilty. Anyway I was under the impression it was just to feed the cat but we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day. Also the cat will need litter tray changing more frequently due to this and I’m pregnant. DH could do it but he works much longer days than me so isn’t going to be able to do the 3x a day. Longwinded way of saying we cannot do it and I’m now stressed and feeling guilty there is no way out of it. We are moving house in 3 weeks anyway so in theory don’t have to have much to do with them then but I’m possibly the biggest people pleaser going and I would always try to honour any commitment for somebody.

What can I do? They go away tomorrow. We have other neighbours who have previously done this for them before but I’m worried they’ll be annoyed at us if we don’t.

You should not touch cat litter when pregnant!!!!

OMG. That is the reason for you to decline, with your apologies. They can fork out for a cattery FFS.

blastedtea · 09/06/2024 16:40

My god just suck it up and look after the damn cat! You have not given them enough notice to pull out. How do you think other pregnant women with cats deal with litter trays. What is wrong with some people