Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do something with just my kids?

457 replies

LilyPanda · 09/06/2024 00:05

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 09/06/2024 00:06

No.

Gollumm · 09/06/2024 00:07

No you're not being selfish or unreasonable. If your DH was going too, and you still didn't take DSD then yes, that would be selfish and unreasonable.

pizzaHeart · 09/06/2024 00:08

Surely DSD’s mum doesn’t take your kids with her.

Original poster
LilyPanda · 09/06/2024 00:10

pizzaHeart · 09/06/2024 00:08

Surely DSD’s mum doesn’t take your kids with her.

She certainly doesn’t.

DSD knows her dad isn’t going too but I think her mum has FOMO syndrome for her and hates to see our kids get anything better or more then DSD from
our household

Trip will be paid for from the family pot.

OP posts:
Theoldbird · 09/06/2024 00:12

I would not want to be responsible for a child who wasn't biologically mine when abroad.
Dsd mum can take her

NewName24 · 09/06/2024 00:12

DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

Well, that will surely be the same reason that DSD's Mum doesn't take your two away with her when they go away.

Of course YANBU.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/06/2024 00:15

YANBU.

totally different if your DH was going, but he’s not. Plus I wouldn’t want to go away by myself with 3 kids even if they were all biologically mine 😂

masomenos · 09/06/2024 00:19

Your DSD should go on holiday with her own mother, if her mum has that much FOMO.

Shortfatsuit · 09/06/2024 00:28

Will your DH be taking dsd away on a separate trip? If so, I can't see an issue - all of the dc will get a trip.

If not, then I think you might need to rethink how you pay for this trip. Can you cover the cost from your own money, ather than taking from the family pot? That way, it can easily be explained to dsd that you are treating your kids and her mum can treat her. It isn't anything to do with her dad.

If family money is paying for it, I think it's much harder to justify, because her dad is contributing to the cost of a holiday for some of his kids but not all.

ludocris · 09/06/2024 00:28

I'm not going to comment either way on whether you should take DSD, but I never understand the posters who say 'well no because DSD's mum wouldn't take your DC on holiday'. This makes zero sense to me as an argument because why would she - she has no relationship with them. Surely that's obvious?

Beautifulbythebay · 09/06/2024 00:40

If dsd had an accident you have no PR to deal with medical care.. Bet her dm doesn't as a rule allow you to parent her dd your way....

Susah · 09/06/2024 01:01

Just taking your biological children is totally acceptable!

DelphiniumBlue · 09/06/2024 01:07

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/06/2024 00:15

YANBU.

totally different if your DH was going, but he’s not. Plus I wouldn’t want to go away by myself with 3 kids even if they were all biologically mine 😂

Exactly this.. 3 kids by yourself, and one of them not yours? That wouldn't be very relaxing for you. It's a different dynamic when the DC are not yours. But even 3 of your own alone would be hard work. YANBU.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/06/2024 01:15

Where does she live most of the time?
If she lives majority with you then it would seem quite cruel to leave her behind imo
If she is "just" a weekend sleepover then it's less so

Sinek · 09/06/2024 01:17

I have a DSC and I've taken her with me when I've taken the two younger (our together) away because I want them to feel like a sibling set. Someday I'll be dead and gone and I hope they are all there for each other. You'll only sow division this way.

Ladyj84 · 09/06/2024 01:20

No I go away with our 4 kids sometimes alone if hubby has no choice with work and I adore spending time alone with them. In fact just had a great week last week with them in the lake district.hubby came for the first 3 days then had to get back home for work whole week was lovely

Chocaholicnightmare · 09/06/2024 01:23

I can see your DSD's side of the argument, to be honest. If you and her dad live together and are in a relationship, when you're together under one roof, you are a family. Your DSD may feel hurt not to be included. I don't think it's about having a holiday, but more about being part of the family. Does she get on well with your children? I guess it also depends on ages. I don't live with my partner and don't intend to until our children are older, so I can't speak from experience.

I can also see your side of the argument. If you are definitely not planning to take your DSD, I would have a reassuring chat with her and make sure her dad makes nice plans for just her and him.

I took my children to Prague last year- great city break and relatively cheap. We're off to Poland this summer for a similar trip.

Vecna · 09/06/2024 01:32

Against the grain, but I think it's very unreasonable. She is part of your family. Her father should have married someone who fully accepted her as such. Your kids aren't her mum's family, so the argument that she doesn't take yours is redundant. She didn't choose them. You chose your dsd when you married her father.

Seedsnnut · 09/06/2024 01:34

I said YANBU initially but @Vecna and @Shortfatsuit make some good points.

Original poster
LilyPanda · 09/06/2024 01:35

Shortfatsuit · 09/06/2024 00:28

Will your DH be taking dsd away on a separate trip? If so, I can't see an issue - all of the dc will get a trip.

If not, then I think you might need to rethink how you pay for this trip. Can you cover the cost from your own money, ather than taking from the family pot? That way, it can easily be explained to dsd that you are treating your kids and her mum can treat her. It isn't anything to do with her dad.

If family money is paying for it, I think it's much harder to justify, because her dad is contributing to the cost of a holiday for some of his kids but not all.

No he won’t.

All money goes in one pot (the family pot). We spend from it as and when we need. DSD isn’t privy to how we set up our finances either and it’s something we wouldn’t talk about with her either.

OP posts:
Seedsnnut · 09/06/2024 01:41

LilyPanda · 09/06/2024 01:35

No he won’t.

All money goes in one pot (the family pot). We spend from it as and when we need. DSD isn’t privy to how we set up our finances either and it’s something we wouldn’t talk about with her either.

Show quote history

This is the potential issue then, I think what Shortfatsuit is saying is since the family pot is partially made up of her Dad’s money (even a child will know this without being told ) his ex feels her daughter is hard done by not getting a holiday from said family pot, while his other kids are.

But then it’s your money in the family pot too 🤔

It’s the complication of blended families - can fairness ever be achieved? 🤷‍♀️

This is why I don’t date men with kids!

Original poster
LilyPanda · 09/06/2024 01:43

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/06/2024 01:15

Where does she live most of the time?
If she lives majority with you then it would seem quite cruel to leave her behind imo
If she is "just" a weekend sleepover then it's less so

She lives with her mum most of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilyPanda · 09/06/2024 02:12

Seedsnnut · 09/06/2024 01:41

This is the potential issue then, I think what Shortfatsuit is saying is since the family pot is partially made up of her Dad’s money (even a child will know this without being told ) his ex feels her daughter is hard done by not getting a holiday from said family pot, while his other kids are.

But then it’s your money in the family pot too 🤔

It’s the complication of blended families - can fairness ever be achieved? 🤷‍♀️

This is why I don’t date men with kids!

Show quote history

Yeh I understand what she’s saying but like you could say it’s coming from my contribution.

Neither dsd or his ex would know who’s paying for it.

i wouldn’t blame you, I wouldn’t do it again. I was young (and dumb ha ha) when I got with him.

OP posts:
Alwaysgothiccups · 09/06/2024 02:22

No of course yanbu
Her mum is being unreasonable making her feel like she's entitled to this and setting up resentment.. when she herself has never taken your kids on holiday with stepdaughter.
Honestly I bet stepdaughter gets loads of one on one time with her mum and her dad without step siblings there.. why should your kids not get to spend occasionally time with u without their step sibling there?
I don't have step children but my own children get to spend one on one time with me individually without siblings sometimes.. I don't see what the difference is here.

MockneyReject · 09/06/2024 02:58

pizzaHeart · 09/06/2024 00:08

Surely DSD’s mum doesn’t take your kids with her.

This.

I took DSD away with me and DS, without their dad, because it suited me/us to do so. They adored each other, and she stuck up for shy DS in the campsite parks etc.
But, she also went on holiday with her mum and step-dad, so had it not suited us all, I wouldn't have felt guilty or unreasonable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread