To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

Do all the kids get on? Is there an option for your DH & DSD to spend a weekend wherever you are? It’s a tricky one because it totally makes sense from your perspective but I can also appreciate your DSD feeling left out.

I don't understand this at all. Of course the mum hasn't taken children entirely unrelated to her whom she may well never have met on holiday. Why do people think this is some amazing GOTCHA? Bizarre.

Being a child's stepmother is very very different to this. My kid is not a part of my husband's ex-wife's family. My husbands kids are most definitely part of mine.

Ask yourself whether you will feel so sanguine after you divorce and your ex dh pays to treat only the third set of siblings?

What on earth does it have to do with her mum? Tell her it’s none of her business. And you don’t have to explain to her how it’s being paid for, it’s nothing to do with her. The fact she thinks she can have an opinion is bizarre; draw up some boundaries with her.

I wouldn’t have taken DSC away either.

What an odd way to think. We are not getting a divorce so that point isn’t relevant at all.

They get on mostly, they don’t hate each other but I don’t think they are partially bothered about hanging out with each other either.

I have a son and a daughter and the two girls don’t keep in contact inbetween dsd being here.

They are not little kids. Dsd is 16 and my two are 12 & 11.

Why would she? there is no connection with the step mum and the op children

That’s a really weird statement. The OP is stepmum to her DSD, but the ex doesn’t have any relationship with OPs children - it isn’t equivalent at all!

So you've been in dsd life since she was a toddler?

Yes.

11 and 12 are very different from 16. I wouldn't want to take someone else's 16yo on holiday. You might run into a whole load of issues around how much freedom she thinks she should have.

If the argument the mother is making is that her daughter’s siblings shouldn’t go on holiday separately to her, then that applies both ways.

The stepdaughter gets to do on holiday with her mother, and OP’s kids get to go on holiday with theirs. They’re not being treated differently.

YANBU, OP.

It totally depends on you it’s not down to anyone else.

If I really got on with DSD I’d probably take her if she wasn’t a pain in the arse and didn’t need babying.

You’re not unreasonable to say no though after all it will be you looking after another persons pride and joy.

Maybe your DH could use the time to do something special with her?

It’s a shame when half siblings are not that close. I think it shows there is a slight breakdown between family dynamics ( in children) Maybe you don’t feel that close to her and that’s why you don’t want her to come?

Even so that’s another reason for not to come at this point but I’d work on how you can strengthen those ties with your kids when you get back. I’d work on that your DSD is a full sibling to your kids and try and strengthen that and that might involve her being invited to things with your DH not being present. But I wouldn’t do it with this holiday as you will feel forced

I have three girls. They fight like cats and dogs but are actually very close. One is a lot older and doesn’t live with us so I had to do a lot of work to bridge the gap

Yanbu. I would want to spend time alone with my own DC too. Your DH is not going to be there so no I would not take my step child.

Stuff for kids can never be exactly equal, it’s strange to me to have all this point scoring. We are fair to both children but fair doesn’t mean the exactly same. My kid gets days out during the week my DSD doesn’t get because she’s at school and my kid is a toddler. My kid gets treats during the time my DSD is with her mum. DSD gets treats with her mum. And yeah, I take my own kid overseas without my husband and his daughter - again, because my kid isn’t at school yet and I work part time so I can!

We just all kind of trust each other to give all the kids a nice life when they’re with us. My husband trusts his ex and her husband to treat DSD fairly and she trusts my husband and me in the same way.

You are not responsible for DSD, herbparents are. I would ask DSD DM if she will take your two with her in return when she next goes.
You are entitled to spend time with your own children. If DH was going, that would be different. I say this as someone who has 2 DSS and they always had to come on holiday with us and completely changed the dynamic and made me feel slightly resentful as a child.

Say no sorry her dad isn't coming I want some quality time with my children and don't want to be responsible for someone else's child.

now her mum is asking why can’t she come really? She should be embarrassed! The answer " oh no dad's not going just me" should be all she needs.

Kids are allowed time and holidays with their own parents.

Why make it about money? That’s far too nuanced for a child to understand.

I wouldn’t want to take someone else’s child away. Already quite a responsibility taking two children abroad alone (although you don’t mentioned their ages) a third who’s not yours will shift the dynamic.

Also completely shit of your DH not to be able to make it himself but feel he can dictate to you about it.

I never really get the "self employed so can't take time off because it isn't paid" thing. It just needs to be budgeted for and the cost spread out across the year. Which is what happens for employees, it's just done automatically

You don’t need to understand, it’s OP’s circumstances not yours.

My DH is going away with his son (my DSS), our son and I’m staying home with my youngest. Sometimes we holiday without DSS, we just do what suits the circumstances best at the time. Honestly I don’t even think about it. It’s our business. All this “family pot” crap is BS. You and your OH have complete control over your money, nobody else’s arbitrary rules matter a bit.

No, you're definitely not being unreasonable!!