To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

If her dad was going I'd say it was cruel but nope you are fully entitled to quality time with your kids plus kids get overly excited on trips and it's so awkward getting somebody else's child in order!

The ages are really important for background here, in my opinion. If she was closer in age to your kids I would say it would perhaps be difficult to her to understand the situation and that you could be creating a division in the siblings relationships. But she is a teenager! Her interests will be completely different from your children. Can’t your DH speak to her mum and perhaps offer to contribute for a vacations for the two of them (he would pay for his daughter and mum pay for herself)?

Take your own kids and if dsd not getting a holiday with mum or dad make sure there are some day trips planned for her and dh, or all of you together if that is preferable to dsd.

But it seems like here the SD wants the holiday. So if it’s 2 weeks in Benidorm or Turkey, that’s what she wants.

The only other point a pp said and I’d say is if it helps siblings to get along that’d be good. I knew my younger (eldest by 7 years) half siblings from when I was 13 as that’s when I got in touch with my dad but we were the other side of London to him, it would’ve been nice to have got to line them when then were younger as when they were older they were teens and all that comes with that.

YANBU.
Your children simply do and are allowed to have a relationship that is closer with you as you are their actual mum. DSD has that with her own mother, she gets quality time with her. Your children are allowed that too.

Also the age difference could put very different expectations on your holiday. It would be very easy to cater to your two as so close in age. I am actually surprised a 16 yr old would even want to join in this instance. I was certainly opting out of some family holidays by 17 for this reason.

Yes, probably best to book when DSD is with her mum. Otherwise, she’ll be in your empty house all day when DH is at work, which will really rub salt in the wound.

ExW is asking you why you’re not taking DSD? I’m trying to picture that conversation…

If your DH wants her to go, could he not join you for part of it and bring her with him on that part?

i feel a bit uneasy about the fact she’s been in you life as a toddler and you still see her as an outsider, but it is your choice to make at the end of the day.

This is what I'd do

No it’s fine to go away with just you and your kids.

But if I was the dad I would be feeling guilty that she feels so upset and so I’d be doing something special with her when you go away.

Can he take a day or 2 off and take her somewhere either over night or just day trips?
It will be nice for them to have 1-1 time too.

From your DSD point of view, this very clearly sends the message that she is not part of 'your' family. I think it would feel very upsetting and cruel. Especially as she has been a part of your life for so long. I wouldn't expect her to show any concern or loyalty to you on the future - teenagers have very long memories for these sorts of slights.
As others have pointed out, as a 16YO she probably would have declined an invite anyway, but deep down extending an invite to her would have meant a lot.
The ex wife is probably not stirring the pot, but it is more likely that DSD has expressed her hurt to her mum.
I feel sorry for DSD.

No, it doesn’t. It sends a message that while they are family, OP isn’t her mother. The length of time OP has been in her life is irrelevant - she isn’t her mother and there’s nothing to suggest she’s ever taken on that role. Same way as she goes on holiday with her own mother and without her half siblings, OP and her kids get to do the same.

None of which should be news to the stepdaughter tbh.

Up until this point I sympathised with wanting to have time away with your own kids, but could see both sides.
However with this age gap I don't see how it would work. There is a huge difference between what a 16 year old likes and what a 12 year old likes. And a 16 year old could bring all sorts of challenges.
It's not like they are 4,5 and 9.
I'd explain to DSD that you are doing really kiddy stuff on holiday and she wouldn't enjoy it.

Also what usually happens with holidays when your DH goes too, do you take all 3 children or just your shared pair?

This. I’d always take my DSD. But very few people on mumsnet ever agree with this perspective.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to take your two children away for a few days on your own.
It is none your your partners Ex's business what you do with your children.

Re part one, of course you can. Have schools near you never run a French trip or similar?

This!!!

Stepmum here. When you marry a man with children, you have a ready made family - and subsequent children just make the family bigger. Relationships are not equal but you can and should do your level best to treat the family children equally. Your SD is likely to view this as being treated as 'lesser' - your biological children will learn they are 'better'. Neither of these are good things to teach your family children.

I agree with all of this. I just think that, if the dad is paying for a holiday for some of his children, he should pay for a holiday for all of his children. I'm not saying that the OP should take the dsd. Merely that her dad should be fair to all of his kids.

Of course, if he is already paying very generous amounts of maintenance over and above the minimum requirements, it might be reasonable to suggest that the mum takes her dc on holiday with that.

I would only do this if the holiday could be organised when DSD is with her Mum. Expecting her to sit in your house alone all day while her Dad is working and she knows her siblings are off on holiday is cruel IMO.

I understand you wanting to spend quality time with your own DC. But the fact that DSD wants to come on the holiday suggests she wants to feel included, which is not unreasonable. There will naturally be some jealously that your DC's get to have both their Mum and their Dad with them full time and she doesn't. The holiday does sort of shine a light on the fact that you don't see her as part of your family even though you've been in her life for as long as she can remember.

Can your DH take DSD away somewhere just the two of them? Even if it's just for the weekend?

DSD's Mum should be keeping her opinions to herself. It's not her decision and even if she feels YABU she shouldn't be making a big deal of it in front of your DSD as that will make her feel even worse.

It's fine for you to take your kids away.
Make sure DH has something fun to do with his daughter when she visits while you are away.
Send her a post card and bring her back a gift.

I don't think yabu at all. I never took DSS on a holiday without his Dad. I can't believe the Mum even asked. Perfectly reasonable for DSD to want a trip with her Dad at some point.

I don't think you need to treat children the same. I take my own children away on different trips to eachother due to age gaps, interests and simply the fact I can't afford to take them all at once (single parent).

Just pitch the holiday as being for younger children when talking to step daughter and her mum. It also get harder to book accommodation with more children in tow especially in hotels where nobody really wants to share a bed.

She is either part of your family or not.
The argument that her mum doesn’t take your kids on holiday is ridiculous, your kids are not enmeshed in her mums life.
That said, being responsible for a 16 year old abroad is a big ask. I would want DH there too.

No not selfish, it is important to have qauilty time with your children.
The mother of the girl can make her own plans with your or her dad.

This is a stretch, even by Mumsnet standards!!!

It's fine OP. You are a family in your own right. It's great to take your children away for some 1:1 time with you.