Page 18 | To want to do something with just my kids?

LilyPanda · 2024-06-08T23:05:05+00:00

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France. Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids. However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come. So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 09:21

Again, why is it not ok for the OP to take her own children away? Can you answer that?

Because the message she is sending to all 3 children is that they're not really a family unit.

CowTown · 12/06/2024 09:21

DearestGentleReader · 12/06/2024 09:18

But when it comes toyourkids, it’s all about giving them the same opportunities as SC to make things equal/ fair?

No, when it comes to OPs kids father it's all about being equal and fair.

The father has three children. He cannot single out one for special treatment.
The OP has two children. Same rule applies.

My DS is 5 and starting to ask questions about why DSD, his half sister, is off with Dad again, just those two. He doesn't get that time equivalent, she has to be included in everything and concessions made to her needs and preferences.
She's not more his child than my children so it's not going to be acceptable in the long run and things will have to change long before he reaches the ages of OPs kids. There's only so much redirecting of attention I can do to cover for it.

Why isn’t your son allowed 1:1 time with his father? All children benefit from 1:1 time.

gofigure5 · 12/06/2024 09:23

Tandora · 12/06/2024 07:38

Yet another hypocrisy and double standard often demonstrated on step parenting threads.
on the one hand its:
They have different mums and therefore will have different life outcomes and opportunities in life because of that.

On the other it’s:
Why should my child put up with always sharing holidays, big days out etc when dsd gets that with her mum and gets that 1:1 time.

So it’s fine when things are different for your step child and she doesn’t get the same opportunities as your DC (going on this holiday). No need to try to make things equal and fair because life isn’t like that and it will never be possible to make things the same. (This is true).

But when it comes to your kids, it’s all about giving them the same opportunities as SC to make things equal/ fair?

Actually none of this has anything to do with fairness. Things will never be exactly the same between your DC and SC. Your DC have the opportunity to live with both parents and have their father full time. Your SC doesn’t have that.
Your SC has her mother all the time without any step siblings in the way. Your DC have that most of the time, but not all of the time. This was the arrangement you birthed them into.

The issue here is not one of fairness or sameness or equality; the issue is about inclusion , and SC’s feelings of being valued / loved in her Dad’s home (this is crucial for a child’s sense of self worth and self esteem and her relationship with her dad). The question is: does excluding SC from this holiday make her feel “less than”, “not wanted”, “not part” or her dad’s family and her supposed second home. That is what you should be concerned about and seeking to establish before making any decisions here.

But I don’t think you want to hear any of this and anyway you have already made your decision..

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This. Agree. Sad discussions are all about fairness (very black and white thinkign btw) when it's all about inclusion and feeling part of the family/loved.

InterIgnis · 12/06/2024 09:24

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 09:21

Again, why is it not ok for the OP to take her own children away? Can you answer that?

Because the message she is sending to all 3 children is that they're not really a family unit.

They’re not a nuclear family unit and OP is under no obligation to pretend they are.

DearestGentleReader · 12/06/2024 09:35

CowTown · 12/06/2024 09:21

Why isn’t your son allowed 1:1 time with his father? All children benefit from 1:1 time.

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Because we've got to be fair to DSD and we have her all weekends and school holidays, bar a few days, so theres not much opportunity to focus on the younger kids.
To be honest, it's a hangover from the EOW days when he only had one child to think about and that EOW was entirely revolved around her. Easier to just leave me with the babies, they are too young to join in with XYZ anyway.
But now the "baby" has clocked on to what's happening, it can't continue.

CowTown · 12/06/2024 09:37

DearestGentleReader · 12/06/2024 09:35

Because we've got to be fair to DSD and we have her all weekends and school holidays, bar a few days, so theres not much opportunity to focus on the younger kids.
To be honest, it's a hangover from the EOW days when he only had one child to think about and that EOW was entirely revolved around her. Easier to just leave me with the babies, they are too young to join in with XYZ anyway.
But now the "baby" has clocked on to what's happening, it can't continue.

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You’re right…it shouldn’t continue. Your son deserves 1:1 time with his father, as does your stepdaughter. They both deserve it.

Iaskedyouthrice · 12/06/2024 09:48

Things will never be the same between the children, their circumstances are different.

This is exactly what all the parents to these kids should be saying to them. You don't take something away from the OP's children to try and make it equal. It never will be. The DSD's feelings should be managed, sensibly, by her parents. What you don't teach her is 'if you are upset with something then it won't happen' or variations of that. That is not healthy and will create an issue with how she navigates relationships in the future. It is also incredibly unfair on the younger kids and will do the same for them.
The argument about dsd getting time with her own mother is reasonable. The OP's children are entitled to exactly the same with their mum. Each child gets quality time with their own mother. It would be so simple if adults didn't try and complicate it.

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 09:54

They’re not a nuclear family unit and OP is under no obligation to pretend they are.

Then SD owes her zero respect.

funinthesun19 · 12/06/2024 10:30

OP should be able to do things with and for her dc. This includes taking them on a holiday and slowing down to spend some much needed time together just them.
Why are some people choosing to ignore how important this holiday is likely to be to her children? Time with their mum, on their own, where they can forget about school/work/home for a few days and enjoy themselves together?

Not everything is about dsc. And that’s ok.

jannier · 12/06/2024 13:33

CowTown · 12/06/2024 09:21

Why isn’t your son allowed 1:1 time with his father? All children benefit from 1:1 time.

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But 1 to 1 also has to be equal each child having a fair turn

jannier · 12/06/2024 13:39

I believe when you take on a relationship where children are involved you have to unconditionally treat the children with love compassion and equally you can't tell any child they are lesser no matter what the relationship it's not their fault they are dragged into a situation

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 14:47

But 1 to 1 also has to be equal each child having a fair turn

True, however, age/logistics play a big part. You cannot, for example, take a 5yo to a see 12+ film at a cinema. But that's not a fair reason to exclude the 12yo from a family trip to the zoo.

Original poster

LilyPanda · 12/06/2024 15:27

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 09:21

Again, why is it not ok for the OP to take her own children away? Can you answer that?

Because the message she is sending to all 3 children is that they're not really a family unit.

We are a family unit when she’s here but we are also a family unit when she’s not here. We don’t stop being a family when she’s around.

OP posts:

Snappers3 · 12/06/2024 15:50

The absurdity of some of these posts.
If a child goes away to University are the remaining family not a unit that carry on and do things together, weekends away, meals out etc.,?
Honestly OP, drop the rope on the madness of engaging with some of these posts.

jannier · 12/06/2024 20:19

LilyPanda · 12/06/2024 15:27

We are a family unit when she’s here but we are also a family unit when she’s not here. We don’t stop being a family when she’s around.

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How would your children feel if one of them went and one was kept home?

jannier · 12/06/2024 20:19

Snappers3 · 12/06/2024 15:50

The absurdity of some of these posts.
If a child goes away to University are the remaining family not a unit that carry on and do things together, weekends away, meals out etc.,?
Honestly OP, drop the rope on the madness of engaging with some of these posts.

18 year olds are not children

Mintchocco · 12/06/2024 20:42

I was on your side at the beginning but some of your more recent updates...not sure, your overall attitude towards your DSD seems a bit off

AquaFurball · 12/06/2024 22:26

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 09:21

Again, why is it not ok for the OP to take her own children away? Can you answer that?

Because the message she is sending to all 3 children is that they're not really a family unit.

Because they aren't all the time. Step child doesn't live there 50/50. She isn't excluded when she is there and she is going on holiday with OP, her father and siblings later in the year.
The step daughter is 16. Even families who live together 100% of the time can have holidays without a 16 year old.
It's not like she's a 10 year old.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 13/06/2024 05:41

Need to put on a jumper, it’s so cold in here.

your decision to holiday with your kids - fine
your attitude towards your dsd - stinks

Hope she’s successful in life in spite of you

DearestGentleReader · 13/06/2024 08:47

Not sure what "attitude" people are referring to.
OP hasn't said a bad word about her DSD, said she's lovely and also will be providing for her to a degree via the family pot.
All snippiness (which has been pretty mild actually) seems to be in response to posters making out that her children don't have a right to private special time with their mother. Which I would get pretty snippy about too, to be honest.

Octaviaaa · 13/06/2024 09:08

Sorry but I feel that leaving her behind would be unkind and would only reinforce the evil stepmother narrative both to her and her mother.

I would possibly agree with you if you'd only been with her Dad a couple of years but your children have grown up together and you've pretty much known her all of her life. This would single her out as not being part of the family.

skinnyoptionsonly · 13/06/2024 09:16

Would a 16 yo really want to go away for 6 wks with younger kids missing her summer with friends.

Sounds like the bio mum is stirring shit.

funinthesun19 · 13/06/2024 10:48

DearestGentleReader · 13/06/2024 08:47

Not sure what "attitude" people are referring to.
OP hasn't said a bad word about her DSD, said she's lovely and also will be providing for her to a degree via the family pot.
All snippiness (which has been pretty mild actually) seems to be in response to posters making out that her children don't have a right to private special time with their mother. Which I would get pretty snippy about too, to be honest.

I don’t know what attitude people are talking about, either. She is putting her 2 children first by ensuring that they have some special time with her and she’s understandably not ashamed of that. It’s important for children to have quality time with their mum without other people being there. OP’s husband isn’t going to be there, dsd isn’t going to be there, so the dynamic will be very much focused on OP and her children together. Whoever begrudges that is being really unfair.

People have taken that the wrong way and can’t hack that a mum who is also a stepmum would dare to focus on her own children every once in a while without a shred of guilt.

sandyhappypeople · 13/06/2024 11:13

skinnyoptionsonly · 13/06/2024 09:16

Would a 16 yo really want to go away for 6 wks with younger kids missing her summer with friends.

Sounds like the bio mum is stirring shit.

It’s 3-4 days away in Spain? Not the whole 6 weeks.

I do wonder if all of this has come about because one of the kids told DSD about it and she assumed her dad would be also going on the trip? So it was probably right of DSDs mum to ask if they were taking her too, or assume that if it was in their custody time that they would be taking her.

if not, it seems really odd to me that DSDs mum would actually want or expect her ex’s wife to take her away with them, but who knows??

AlisonDonut · 13/06/2024 11:51

Octaviaaa · 13/06/2024 09:08

Sorry but I feel that leaving her behind would be unkind and would only reinforce the evil stepmother narrative both to her and her mother.

I would possibly agree with you if you'd only been with her Dad a couple of years but your children have grown up together and you've pretty much known her all of her life. This would single her out as not being part of the family.

Edited

Oh give over.

She's not spilt rice and corn on the floor and ordered her step daughter to seperate them out before feeding her.