To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

Ask her mother why she is not taking her daughter on holiday. If she comes back with ' I took her on holiday to so so and this time ' , then ask why she didn't take you children. Why does she get to take her child on holiday but you can't take your children? You husband, her father, is not going. Its not a holiday for the whole family.

Because I think the answers to those questions is irrelevant?

My exdh rarely took our two away because he couldn't afford it. (5 children over three marriages!) he did take his son with his wife. But my two got a holiday with me, his two kids with second wife got a holiday with her. And his youngest got a holiday with him. (Thankfully he has now had the snip ) So they all got a holiday.

If your dh was going and you could afford it, it would be nice to take her . But I wouldn't feel obliged to if dh isn't going. I would ask your dds not to keep talking about it in front of her.

But maybe your dh could try to squeeze a weekend away in with her.

I agree. It also might depend on how well the three get on together.

We’ve just got back from a week away with my DD, my DSS didn’t come as he was in school. It was significantly cheaper to go away now and we wanted to visit my family in Portugal. He’s coming away with us for 2 weeks later in the year and he’s already been abroad twice with his mum this year. Things in these situations cannot be totally equal as there’s different finances and priorities from both sides, your DSD’s mum could take her away at the same time if she didn’t want her to feel like she was missing out🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m also not certain a 16 year old would want to go away with an 11 and 12 year old!

Yes!

I don’t think you’re being remotely unreasonable by not wanting to be responsible for someone else’s child on a holiday - particularly abroad.

The financial aspect can surely be dealt with by your husband making a contribution to DSD’s mum taking her away on her own holiday.

I think it’s fine. I can’t imagine expecting my ex’s dp to ever take my ds on holiday unless ex was going along too.

As a compromise it’d be nice if your DH took DSD somewhere for a day or weekend just the 2 of them.

Hell no

Is there any need to be quite so unpleasant?

As a mum with two children who used to go see their father on the weekends there is no way I would have wanted my children to go on holiday with just the step mum, that is ridiculous.

Your husband should try arrange a few days away with just her so she doesn’t feel hard done by but there is no way you should take her.

I'd suggest that DH says to DSD that he'll do something nice with her whilst you're away. He can just say to exW that the holiday is just a short break and that he's not going therefore DSD isn't going. DSD will get holidays with her mum so she's not losing out holiday wise and she's not missing time with her Dad. You said the siblings aren't that close and frankly it would be hard to juggle those ages anyway as interests will vary

And I note you chopped off the rest of my post which was agreeing with OP.
Did I hit a nerve?

Not at all, @Hugosmaid . I would say a good proportion of siblings are close, a good proportion aren’t, and the rest don’t care much either way.

My DC got on least well across the 10-17 age range, which OP is in now. They were (are) very close before and after that. Pre-teen to teen is a trying time for all. My siblings and I only got on once we’d all left home and had more space - and no TV remote to bicker over.

I didn’t quote the rest of your comment as I had no issue with it. I agree the OP doesn’t need to take her stepchild with her.

My issue was your implication that siblings not being close implied dysfunction. I don’t think that’s a fair assessment and did the OP a disservice.

From an adult perspective it makes perfect sense, YANBU.

But I think it depends on how long + often the child has been living with you.

From the child's or even biological mother's perspective, it is sad if they've been living in this (OP's) house since they were a very little toddler, and if it (OP's house) is their main abode most of the time... Like if they consider OP their "main mum" and OP's family their "main family".

Perhaps YANBU still, but will have to explain very lovingly and carefully as obviously kids may internalise certain messages of non-belonging/exclusion and don't really understand stuff.

No unless she lives with you full time and didn’t have a relationship with her mum. Can your dh rectify this and take her away for a weekend or something similar. As he can spend quality time with her alone too?

Why? She comes to see her DF who will be there. I’ve taken our DC to my mum’s many times; whether it was DSC’s week with us or not was not relevant in the slightest.

I read 4-5 nights as 4-5 weeks 🤣 so I did think yabu a bit but re-reading 4-5 nights - defo not, especially as she’s majority with her mum. My dc have time away that my dsc don’t - not half siblings though but do split time 50:50. But other times I would take my dsc too. Overall YANBU imo

YANBU,if her mother really wants her to have a holiday she can take her.

Next time don't tell your kids or anyone else just do it as a "surprise " Cuts out the crap you're going through now .

At 16, I would have been desperate not to go on a family holiday with 11 and 12 year olds. Which makes me think that if she wants to go it's probably more about wanting to feel part of the family.

Would there be scope for her dad (or you, if you have that kind of relationship) to take her for a mini-break somewhere 'cooler' (as perceived by a 16 year old) or something like that? Something like shopping and a gig or play in London, or a hillwalking trip, depending what she's into - something she wouldn't be able to enjoy with 11 and 12 year olds there too?

The step daughter has a mum who can take her on holiday. If her dad was going on holiday with his wife and youngest children then he should also take his oldest daughter. However, he is not going on this holiday so step daughter isn't going either.

When people write things like that I always wonder if they are a bitter first wife.

Completely ignoring the fact that OP is also contributing to the pot paying for the trip, so no, SD is not entitled to the exact same share as the DC. When it is about wills, 2DC and one SDC the consensus is usually that the SDC gets 2/12 (a third of the dad’s share) and the DC 5/12.

This is why I wouldn't get involved with a man who had kids.

I think the fact she is 16 makes it difficult. I wouldn't want the responsibility of 3 very young kids.

But at 16 it's harder to explain other than "i just want to take my own kids". As you've been in her life since a toddler, it is hard.

Do you get on well? Is she good company?

YANBU to take them without her but I would book it when she is with her mum as from a 16 year olds POV she might feel jealous and that she is being left out.

Im sure your dsd goes plenty of places with her own mum so she’s not missing out she just has other opportunities.

Also don’t think it matters at all how it’s paid for as like you say dsd doesn’t know how your finances work.