To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

You're not being selfish or unreasonable.

What you do with your children is your business, not ExW's. If DH was going as well, I could see her point. But he isn't.

ExW is out of order to even ask the question. She should have shut down the conversation with DSD by saying 'LilyPanda is taking her children away alone, your dad isn't going. Just like you get holidays with just me, her children should be allowed holidays with just their mum'. End of conversation.

Perhaps to you, but I had this question too and it matters to me.

Yanbu. If your husband ie her dad was coming then that would be different. You have no obligation to take her on your own.

I find the notion of being “family” and therefore needing to be together ALL the time so odd. It doesn’t even happen in bio families. Some kids have shared hobbies, like fishing trips with only one parent. I relish the opportunity to have a day trip with just one child.

And yet her DH has been for many years, and has been happy for OP to help raise his daughter for more than a decade.

God forbid a mother wants time with her own children!

The problem here is not OP or DSD. The problem here is the ExW feeling her child is entitled. Why can't she take DD away when OP is away? Then it's fair for all the kids, if fairness is what ExW is concerned about.

Yes i suspect this is a Mother (and father) who just like the sound of a week with their child in someone else’s care…

How does that work? Do you ever do things with just some family members? Or must every single one be invited lest they take offence at not being considered ‘family’?

I'd never apologise to anyone or feel the need to justify spending time or doing something nice with or for my own children.
YANBU. But YABU if you entertain any complaints or questions. Just shut it down. It's not ex's business.

This

Absolutely. If my DP asked me to take DSC on holiday whilst he stayed at home to work, I'd laugh. If ExW then messaged and asked why DSC wasn't going with me, I'd find a talent agency specialising in stand up comedy for them both.

The DSD isn't even meant to be with OP and DH during that time. Is ExW going to reduce maintenance in line with childcare arrangements for that week in order to support OP taking DSD on holiday? Or is ExW going to pay for DSD, given it is OP who is doing the childcare? I doubt it.

Perfectly fine to want to spend a holiday with the children you birthed OP.
Plus the ages gap could make it difficult. At 16 I wanted to do different things to when I was 11 !! Doesn’t everyone ?

But she is family

So why can't her father do something special with her?

@MorganFreemansVoice
you sound like a bitter ExW

OP - YANBU it's completely acceptable to take just your DC away it's pretty common

I have 2 DSC and they have 3 step-siblings at mums house and the variety of how holidays work is massive as not all holidays suit everyone...
Some times all the +14's go away with DM and SD, sometimes just the Little's, then SD might take his 3, DM might take my DSC or the 7 will go away together.
Then through in we take the DSC away (and we go away without them too) and their Step-siblings go away with their mum too, overall works out pretty well for the children.

At the age of 16 she is more than old enough to understand that everyone's life does not stop when they are at the other house.

Your step daughter is...

I get why she's not going with you, but I don't see why her father couldn't do something, if only a weekend

I couldn’t do this & my husband definitely wouldn’t leave out my son who he’s raised from being a toddler, they are both his boys & both are his parents grandkids. They take both boys away with them & took my son (who they see as their grandson) away with them before our son came along. When you make the decision to have children with someone who is already a parent you make the decision to be a whole family. I just couldn’t be like no she’s your daughter, I only want my kids not yours

I guess it’s just the way we’ve both been raised, there’s no ‘step’ in our families, you are family & there’s no distinction between biological & non biological. My husbands ‘step’ sister is his sister & his mums daughter as are my sisters. Even though my mum & dad split up 20 years ago my ‘step’ sister is still part of our family. We wouldn’t be treated any differently by my mum, all our family still see her as my mums daughter. Those saying her mum wouldn’t take your kids on holiday, well of course not her mum isn’t your kids step mum. You are his daughter’s step mum & have raised her from a young age. I just can’t get my head around yours & mine when they all should be ours

@LilyPanda
No he won’t. All money goes in one pot (the family pot). We spend from it as and when we need. DSD isn’t privy to how we set up our finances either and it’s something we wouldn’t talk about with her either.

But she's his daughter too
So why doesn't some of his money go towards taking her somewhere while you're away?

I wouldn't want to be responsible for a 16 yr old that wasn't mine. I think I'd be telling husband that he should take his daughter away for some quality time tbh.

@bagginsatbagend I’m sure you’re intelligent enough to “get your head around it” You just want to take the moral high ground.

Because he isn’t available which is the whole
premise of this post.

You keep repeating this point. That is not for OP to decide and not an issue for her to waste head space or energy on. She's already got 2 DC, and is expected to cater to DSD by DH and ExW. She doesn't need an adult male as a 4th child to be responsible for.

This! I'm not a stepparent or in a blended family but some of the responses on here (most, I assume, are 'Other Women') about not taking their SC on holiday is sad but most upsetting is the tone they're using. Hard women. Not much time for those.

Don't get together with a man who is married. It's just a bit shit, isn't it? And if the man was already divorced, then don't get together with men who have children unless you're prepared to 'step' up as a step parent.

“Other women” 🤣🤣🤣

You may laugh but I deplore women (or men, vice versa) who go out with married men (and, no, I'm not a bitter ex).

It would have been better to plan holiday dates far enough in advance that DH hadn’t booked clients in. It’s not like the school holidays come as a surprise.