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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

199 replies

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:03

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 08/06/2024 23:04

He's being an idiot, why would he want to spend the same money and put himself through the time, stress and heartache of all the work?

Lokshen · 08/06/2024 23:05

Do the sums together, realistically. It might demonstrate that there's just not the need to do all that hard work without having to be emotional

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:05

He likes a project and he thinks the new house could be even better.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:06

I think we would end up spending about the same on either house. But it’s not just a financial decision to make imo

OP posts:
CheeseyOnionPie · 08/06/2024 23:07

Is the other house liveable as it is or would the work need to start immediately? You should find out if financially there is anything he thinks is going to be an issue which is why he’s pushing for the cheaper house. If you’re stretching finances to buy the renovated one but the other house is liveable and more affordable he might have a point.
However, if not, then don’t take on a massive project if you’re not ready.

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:09

My worry is that you can always find something better if you go looking for it. Why can’t he just be happy with the plan we had been so excited about until he saw this other house?

He thinks I am being too risk adverse and not flexible enough about plans changes but this plan didn’t need to change at all.

OP posts:
Springchickenonion · 08/06/2024 23:10

Yanbu. I couldn't be dealing with the drama and stress and worry of it all. Especially as you won't be making money on it.

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:10

It’s sort of liveable. But not to the same standard as the other one is immediately.

financially we are fine. The first house was actually quite a bit under budget.

OP posts:
Marmalady75 · 08/06/2024 23:12

Having had building work done recently, I can tell you it’s a complete pain in the arse. Lots of noise and dust. Promises that someone would turn up at a certain time and they were late or didn’t even show. Delays over materials. Delays due to weather. Planning regulations are a nightmare. Your relationship will suffer. Your mental health will suffer.
If you have the money to buy one ready to move into then do it.

StormingNorman · 08/06/2024 23:15

The plan didn’t need to change, but it has for him now. It is annoying that it’s happened at this late stage but you do need to give it some consideration.

FairIsleCromartyForties · 08/06/2024 23:17

DH and I have bought houses a number of times over the years. We have a simple rule that has served us well: either of us can veto a house and that's the end of it, the other person respects their decision and we move on, keeping looking until there's somewhere we are both happy with. It's the only fair way, so your DP can say no to your choice, and vice versa.

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:18

I have honestly considered. We went to view the second house as I agreed to consider it but my feelings haven’t changed.

I know adding the level of stress it would take would not be great for me at the moment. I do t know why I should when we really don’t have to.

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 08/06/2024 23:20

Building work on a house you're living in is not fun.

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:20

FairIsleCromartyForties · 08/06/2024 23:17

DH and I have bought houses a number of times over the years. We have a simple rule that has served us well: either of us can veto a house and that's the end of it, the other person respects their decision and we move on, keeping looking until there's somewhere we are both happy with. It's the only fair way, so your DP can say no to your choice, and vice versa.

This is what we had in place when looking but we never needed to use it. We just felt the same about what we saw and said no to the same things until we both loved the first house from the moment we were in it.

OP posts:
tartancladpjs · 08/06/2024 23:21

My advice pull out of both, you can't buy a house he doesn't love likewise he can't expect you to buy one you don't.

It has to be mutual otherwise the resentment stacks.

Walk away, sit down and start again before you make a huge mistake.

Userxyd · 08/06/2024 23:22

The first house is far more sensible financially.
I keep saying that doer uppers are just not cheap enough to reflect the increase in building costs at the moment.
If it's done and ready to move into it means you don't have the stress, uncertainty and possible black hole of building costs.
It's a huge risk and for your first house together it would just be miserable and expensive to be required to renovate with the endless decisions and costs involved - you're lucky to have found something so nice you can just enjoy moving into. Dont let it get away!

SendMeHomeNow · 08/06/2024 23:24

tartancladpjs · 08/06/2024 23:21

My advice pull out of both, you can't buy a house he doesn't love likewise he can't expect you to buy one you don't.

It has to be mutual otherwise the resentment stacks.

Walk away, sit down and start again before you make a huge mistake.

I agree with this. I’d just tell him you are not well enough to take on a project like that. If he wants to pull out then you understand but you are not going for the other house.

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:24

My worry is that he will say no to the first house out of principle now and I will be gutted.

if he had vetoed at first that’s fine but I feel like our dream house has been dangled in front of me and snatched away because I don’t agree with him.

OP posts:
FairIsleCromartyForties · 08/06/2024 23:24

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:20

This is what we had in place when looking but we never needed to use it. We just felt the same about what we saw and said no to the same things until we both loved the first house from the moment we were in it.

Show quote history

It seems he's changed his mind now though, and, frustrating as it is, now may be the time for you both move on and find something else.

Highfivemum · 08/06/2024 23:25

Location is the key. Which is in the better location. ?

Catnipcupcakes · 08/06/2024 23:26

I’m sitting in a ‘project’ house right now - ten years in and its still a dump. Well, it isn’t but I hate renovating so progress is slow and its definitely not finished so it still feels like a dump.

I say push hard for the first house. I’d love to just be able to move into a house and live comfortably straight away.

I like really old houses so that isn’t going to happen but I’m hoping the next one won’t be as much of a fixer upper as this one was.

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:26

But he loved it 2 days ago. That’s what is so hard. Why even rock the boat!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:27

Highfivemum · 08/06/2024 23:25

Location is the key. Which is in the better location. ?

They are one street away from each other so it’s not an issue. Objectively the first house has a slightly better road traffic wise and it’s prettier but it truly doesn’t make enough of a difference

OP posts:
Userxyd · 08/06/2024 23:31

Try the finance angle. Cost up the renovations and say he'd have to be responsible for so many decisions. In top of jobs and paying mortgage and bills.
Has he got spare time and brain space for that?
How long would the works take too? Would you need to move out or live with the dust and mess and cold? Assuming you'd be in a building site house by Christmas?
If there's lots of choice then maybe ditch both and keep looking for a new one - or tell him that's what you should do and maybe he'll switch back to the first one.

Userxyd · 08/06/2024 23:32

What benefit does the 2nd house offer if not location, looks or current state of decor?