DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

[ToHouseOrNotToHouse]

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

I would seriously start considering buying on your own if you can’t agree on where to live, as it’s a fundamental part of living together.

Sorry, but I think he's delusional if he thinks he'll get an extension and loft conversion for £90k.

And even if you do get it in for £90k, the difference between these 2 houses is only £100k. You'll be going through a lot of stress, disruption, and giving up a lot of time and energy, just to save £10k.

And whatever price for the work you think you have now, will be significantly higher by the time you start the work. Cost of trades and materials is rocketing. Realistically, by the time you've bought the house, done planning, found and waited for a good builder (the best/most trusted ones in my area have a year long waiting list), you won't be starting the work for another 18 months - 2 years at the earliest.

Financially it's objectively not a good decision. If he wants house 2 because he wants a project (and is happy for you both to spend £1000s extra and go through a lot of stress to indulge that) then that's a different argument.

Veto house 2. Suggest loft extension for house 1 to indulge his project-lust. But he can veto house 1 if he's wants to. And you go back to the search.

Houses like this aren't a project to keep hubby engaged and busy

We are in the middle of sorting our 'needs work' house and it's exhausting. We've had the central heating sorted and a rewire. The bay window has been rebuilt and new windows go in shortly. We can live with the bathroom and kitchen for now but that still leaves five rooms to fix, floor and decorate. Just trying to decide on five pairs of curtains or blinds or whatever is stressful.
Lots of the shops we've been into say it must be so exciting to have a blank canvas to play with and one room at a time it would be but a whole house is another matter. We were under no illusions it would be uphill for sometime and once the major building work is over we can throttle back a bit, maybe even take a whole day off from going to Screwfix, Wickes and Ikea. Maybe 😁

You don't need to make it fair op. He's moved the goalposts on you. You seem to be trying to bend his way. You have very good reasons to not go for a project house. That should be the end of it.

He still gets chance to do a project on the first house anyway!

Is he trying to talk you into it? I think you just need to shut it down now.

Also, £90k for all that isn't realistic.

It depends on the work required.
A bit of decorating, thats ok.
However, if it is major renovations, then the stress is not something I would recommend.

I love project houses, but that's because they used to make financial sense.

But now, with materials and tradesmen both costing so much, it doesn't always make sense. Plus every project I've done has thrown up (often huge) issues that eat away at a budget - I don't think I've ever done a proiject without saying the words 'money-pit'.

So in your situation, he's being very unreasonable. And selfish. A project needs everyone to be on board with it, because it is ALWAYS a complete pain in the arse. It isn't fair to change the goalposts like this.

A hobby project for the DP of course!

We have moved house many times, only tried an improvement project once. It was hell. Redecorating is the limit.
I know of one divorce though, Got the house finished then he wanted to sell it and take on a bigger one. Wife and kids wanted to stay and enjoy it.
Half the village taking sides.

You can do basic costings but without a proper building quote you won’t get a realistic price. And then add on at least 20%!!! It will always cost more than you think (imo).

we had a big renovation a few years ago and it was mentally and emotionally draining. We also had to move out for a while but were lucky friends had a rental house we could stay in on a short time basis.

Dont be bullied into a decision. But be prepared to walk away completely if you have to.

Has he allowed for how much building materials have risen in price?

Buy House 1. I implore you, as someone who was in your position! If DP vetoes it on principle, that’s fine. Don’t buy either house. And have a very serious conversation with him.

There is no way you will get that work done for £90k unless you’re from a family of builders and capable of doing significant amounts yourself. Even then I’d be surprised. We were in your position and our purchase of house 1 fell through so we bought house 2 with a view to doing the work. It was approximately a £50k difference at the time (£475-£525k). Prices have gone through the roof since then, and Covid complicated things.

We paid around £100k for a modest kitchen diner extension (structurally simple, no bifolds) in 2022, about 3 years later than anticipated. Cost 50% more than originally projected. Not a high end finish, we used DIY Kitchens - we could have spent twice as much on the kitchen and it wouldn’t have looked very different.

We are hoping to do the loft in a few years’ time and estimate it will be around £60k for a hip to gable loft conversion with a master bedroom and an en suite. Again, will cost around 50% more than originally projected. That’s before we get onto the hassle of living in an unfinished building site plus all the things you find with a new house that you weren’t expecting but have to pay for anyway. And the things that naturally end up needing replacing that weren’t at that point when you bought the house.

If he wants to put his mark on house 1, get him to think about the garden, landscaping, decorating and furnishing. You can really put your own stamp on a house that way. But don’t do a massive project unless you have the time and the money to finance and project manage it.

Bloody hell.
House projects take over your life! I should know I'm in the middle of one, willingly.
I would absolutely not want to force myself through one reluctantly.
He's the one reneging and in no position to veto the first "on principle'. - what principle!??
He's deluded and naive and you think he might dig his heels in and railroad you into this despite clearly being very rose tinted glasses about the whole thing.
He's unreasonable and should listen to you, projects like that are not for those with other things on their plate.
If you buy house two it will kill your relationship imo because it will likely break you, given you don't have the capacity for it (perfectly understandably).
So whatever happens don't buy house two with him.

When we bought our current house; DH (who was going to do all the work basically) viewed a number of houses at the top of our budget that were ‘done’ (extension built, lovely decoration etc). He then took me to honestly the most depressing house I have ever seen in the same area, and said ‘I can make this look like that and the difference is I know it will be done right.’
It was the best move we ever made but it was pretty grim for a year.

Two questions.

Have either of you done a big building project before?

Do you know a friendly and competent builder who isn’t booked up solid with work for the next two years by which time material prices will have rocketed again ?

Exactly.
I would never want to take on a project, for many reasons.
I understand this might be a strong reaction,
but it would be the end for me.

Stick to your gums. There is nothing worse than living in an unfinished house especially if life takes a turn and you are unable to finish itso cannot sell it. Be clear that you are not saying no for ever but that this is just not the time.

Do you live together now? I've seen another PP ask, apologies if I've missed the answer!

Agree, a project doesn’t make financial sense in these circumstances. I would also add that you need to sort this out ASAP, before you rack up unnecessary surveyors and solicitors fees.

Is he a frustrated creative type, OP? I ask because I think over the years, my impulse to put my own stamp on a place has driven me to make some terrible real estate choices. I've always gone for the fixer-upper. In my case, the trouble is that my aesthetic vision (such as it is 😜) never quite matches up with the reality. I tend to finish renovations and look at it all slightly aghast, with every room full of things that remind me what poor choices I make/lousy taste I have.

I have gone through two huge renovations, the house I am living in now is only 22 years old but needs decorative work and a new kitchen and bathroom.

The cost of materials and difficulty of finding trades to do the work at the current time, means that I would absolutely not contemplate a property that needed more than decorative refurbishment.

After we moved here it took EIGHT months to get some basic electrical work done due to the shortage and unreliability of trades, we had numerous electricians to quote, but then never heard from them again or they were honest and said they just couldn’t fit us in.

Your DP has a completely unrealistic idea of the costs or difficulty of doing a project on that scale and having done the living in a property whilst it was refurbished I would not recommend it for people who are time poor and in your case physically not in 100% health.

I think it's his decision-making style that's the root of the problem here, not the type of property.

I've seen this kind of person before. I don't think he wants the decision to be mutual. i think he wants to be in control. If you both agree, he's not in control. He wants a choice that he has dictated.

Agree, 90k won't get you a loft conversion and an extension. Prices are sky high and good contractors very scarce.

If the new house needs a loft conversion but the current one doesn't have one, does this mean the current one has an extra bedroom at the moment?

This too. The problem is that people like this criticise the other person's character for their choices - you aren't brave enough, you don't take risks and then it becomes your fault, when all you are doing is setting your boundaries and being realistic.

@CellophaneFlower my understanding was that the project house has a loft conversion but that house 1 doesn't, so DH could take that on as a project? Happy to be corrected if I've misunderstood

I'd definitely be pushing for house 1 in your circumstances OP - scope to improve without living in a building site! Loft extensions can be done pretty much outside in until you break through to do the stairs. I'd push for DH to reconsider!