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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

199 replies

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:03

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:34

Userxyd · 08/06/2024 23:32

What benefit does the 2nd house offer if not location, looks or current state of decor?

He thinks once it is finished it would be nicer because we’d have the say in how things are laid out and it has a slightly bigger back garden (neither of us are keen gardeners)

OP posts:
Gazelda · 08/06/2024 23:35

I'd tell him you're not going to agree to the second house.

  1. It doesn't make financial sense (show him some rough budget)
  2. You don't have the capacity for a 'project' at the moment.

If his heart is no longer in the first house, then respect that and start the hunt again.

If I were you, I'd be worried that if you end up with house 1, you'll always have in the back of your mind that it wasn't the house he wanted. You should be looking for a home that you both love.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/06/2024 23:36

Why was he still looking - you have a property under offer and are about to carry out the surveys.

Is he always ' the grass is greener on the other side of the road ' type person ?

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:36

For context we would be going up into the attic for a master suite and adding a large extension on the back to be a new kitchen diner space.

OP posts:
Shiveringinthecountry · 08/06/2024 23:37

If you don't want to live in a project then say no. As you said, it's not just a matter of cost.

littlebox · 08/06/2024 23:37

We've just finished some major building work, I would never do it again! Honestly, the stress and hassle additional work that it involved even though it was being fully project managed was a lot. And it cost way more than we expected and I can't realistically see the at the house is now worth what we've spent on it.
Building costs have gone up so much, in lots of places it really doesn't make financial sense to buy a doer upper anymore. Is he aware of how much it's going to cost?

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:38

He said he was curious after a rightmove email but I questioned why he was still looking too.

he is a problem solver and he likes to keep himself busy with a project but we didn’t have a problem to solve. We had done that together.

OP posts:
masomenos · 08/06/2024 23:39

I agree with others that neither house is the right one.

He would hate the first one because he’ll hanker after the second one that he could do works on to his liking.

You would hate the second one for all the work he’d want to do.

You need to find something that works for you both. And you BOTH need to drop the “but it was fine two days ago!” or the “but we can have it exactly the way we’d want it!”. That only moves you backwards.

ShrubRose · 09/06/2024 02:00

FairIsleCromartyForties · 08/06/2024 23:17

DH and I have bought houses a number of times over the years. We have a simple rule that has served us well: either of us can veto a house and that's the end of it, the other person respects their decision and we move on, keeping looking until there's somewhere we are both happy with. It's the only fair way, so your DP can say no to your choice, and vice versa.

This.

I would add that conflict resolution is an extremely important aspect of being happy in a relationship long-term. I don't like it that he is criticising you for "being too risk averse and not flexible enough." That suggests that he feels his ideas are superior to yours. But you have valid reasons to reject the fixer-upper.

I may be a bit skittish, but I would be worried about buying property with someone like this. Some people think conflict resolution is a zero-sum game - one person wins and the other person loses. They don't realise that successful conflict resolution is when both partners' needs and wishes are respected equally.

Octavia64 · 09/06/2024 02:12

Buying a house and then moving are very stressful times.

You say the first one is your dream house - but in my experience all houses have problems if one kind or another. The survey might come back with a damp problem, it might have had subsidence etc.

If there's one thing I've learnt it's that falling in love with a house stops you doing the right thing sometimes.

You don't want to live in a project. You get to veto. He isn't really happy with the first house (otherwise he wouldn't have continued looking). He is effectively vetoing it.

To successfully buy together you're going to need to put your relationship above any one house.

HashB · 09/06/2024 05:06

Tell him no to house 2, but be prepared to start your search again if he also can’t accept house 1. It needs to be a joint decision.

Just to add my personal experience - we bought a project house which we didn’t extend but had to rip back to brick and move out for a period. Possibly the hardest 18 months of our relationship and overall just really really not enjoyable. Some people get a major kick out of it, I realised I wasn’t one of those people!

Kingoftheroad · 09/06/2024 06:06

You’re clearly stating why you don’t want to take on the second house. If you have health issues at the moment, trust me the stress of renovations will make them much worse.

I would pull out of both. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life trying to make him happy with the original choice and feeling guilty when he moans that his choice would have been better.

Both parties need to be fully onboard.

beenwhereyouare · 09/06/2024 07:24

Marmalady75 · 08/06/2024 23:12

Having had building work done recently, I can tell you it’s a complete pain in the arse. Lots of noise and dust. Promises that someone would turn up at a certain time and they were late or didn’t even show. Delays over materials. Delays due to weather. Planning regulations are a nightmare. Your relationship will suffer. Your mental health will suffer.
If you have the money to buy one ready to move into then do it.

This.

Building or reconstruction takes a terrible toll on relationships.

YouveGotAFastCar · 09/06/2024 07:32

You don’t have to agree to house.

But it doesn’t sound like house 1 is as perfect for him as it is for you, and realistically it doesn’t sound like it’s right for him to buy that one.

So you’re left at going back out and starting again, and finding something that interests you both.

It’s not unusual for people to be initially really taken by a house and then realise it’s not quite right over a few days. It’s also not unusual for people to keep looking - my husband does and we moved 2.5 years ago! - and to want to be sure they’re getting the best option.

The difficult decision right now will be working out how much of a project he wants vs what you can cope with.

SleepQuest33 · 09/06/2024 07:32

I can see both your points of view. Why it talk to him with an open mind? Talk calmly about the pros and cons of a project and ask him if he really thinks you can both cope with the cons?

my friends had a massive renovation, Christmas was held in the garage I think! So what? Looking back at the pictures now gives the home a sense of history.

we made some work in the downstairs of our house, the one thing your DH must be aware of is that regardless of having a properly budgeted project, it always goes above budget! Always! That’s the only thing that woukd put me off. The possibility of being unable to afford finishing it.

GoingOnHol · 09/06/2024 07:34

My mum moved into her house 5 years ago with plans to extend/New kitchen/downstairs shower room & utility. So far only the shower room & utility are done and she hasnt been able to find a builder to do the extension. Plus the cost has skyrocketed since COVID

I'd never want a project house & luckily when I said no to a previous house DH would have liked to renovate he accepted my veto with good grace

AnnaMagnani · 09/06/2024 07:38

If you aren't gardeners don't get a bigger garden. Gardens suck up huge amounts of time and energy just to look not totally shit.

I'm also in my project house. 15 years and counting. Maybe it'll be done just when I need to sell it.

Sprinklesandsprinkles · 09/06/2024 07:38

My sister has just moved into a house that's been extended and renovated, they have settled in immediately and absolutely love it. Their neighbours next door have the old plain house to renovate and work on and they said they wish they'd tried to buy my sister's house instead. They think they're spending as much money doing it up as they'd have spent on the completed house and are having so much time away from their kids. I completely agree with your point of view on the original house!

rwalker · 09/06/2024 07:38

Been in your position
my wife wanted to go ahead with the finished one but after a lot of discussion it was all down to being the easy option just move in

it was fully renovated but the bathroom wasn’t quite what we would of picked and it had what they described as stunning designer kitchen with quartz worktops
but it was rosewood with brown pinky flecks in worktop again not quite what we wanted but couldn’t justify replacing it

if your looking long term go with the project you can have it exactly as you want and also steal ideas from the finished one

Waggily · 09/06/2024 07:41

I would try and find out realistic costs for the building work as I think it would shock you both. Friends looking to extend their kitchen have recently been quoted between £100k and £140k in the North East and a neighbours loft extension was £80k. If the price difference between the houses isn't at least £150k, it doesn't really make sense to buy the project house.

LemonCitron · 09/06/2024 07:43

I agree with previous posters. You should definitely veto the second house, but you need to respect the fact that your DP is allowed to change his mind about such an important purchase. If he wants to veto the first house and keep looking, then that's what should happen.

Iaskedyouthrice · 09/06/2024 07:45

Agree with some previous posters, say no to the 2nd house but be prepared to walk away from the first one and start your search again. Hopefully he won't do this again.
With your health issues and other stresses I wouldn't be buying a project. Long term building work is awful.

Doingmybest12 · 09/06/2024 07:52

I guess he could say the same, that you were happy with the project originally so why aren't you now?

You've got to be on the same page, if you no longer can live through a project then you have to stick to that. If neither of you can compromise then you'll have to look for a 3rd property you can agree on.

It's so stressful. What is he like in terms of getting things done, making decisions, motivation. If he won't drive and get on with the project I'd stick to a firm no. But if he will be great at getting it done , I'd go for it. But my tolerance for building work is pretty high.

Ponderingwindow · 09/06/2024 07:54

Projects always end up costing more than you expect.

you also could end up like me and discover you are allergic to the dust remodeling and home repair stirs up. Even the smallest repair, if the words “we have to cut into the wall” are uttered, everything gets paused while I pack a bag really fast and abandon DH to deal with everything while I check into a local hotel for a few days. It gets expensive very quickly.

Baxdream · 09/06/2024 07:55

A house identical to ours has just gone up for sale at £575k. Probate Sale so needs everything doing. West facing garden but slightly bigger than our south facing one .
Ours has an extension and fully renovated (boiler, windows, handmade kitchen with island etc), all Farrow and ball paint. Valued at £650k
I can tell you we spent more than 75k on the work! Building costs are expensive at the moment and I personally wouldn't be doing a renovation at the moment