DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

[ToHouseOrNotToHouse]

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

You have already spent money on a survey and got your mortgage arranged I assume, so it would be very silly to give up on a good house to buy something a couple of streets away that might require a lot of costly and time-consuming work...

Is your partner even experienced when it comes to DIY? Taking on a project is not easy.

'Project houses' always tend to turn out to be more expensive than expected as you often uncover years of poor maintenance and bodged jobs once you start renovating. So it might not even save you any money in the end.

Don't just consider the potential cost of the works to the project house.

Also consider, finding contractors is harder than ever now.
The cost of materials is high.
The availability of some materials is low and awkward.

So you're adding the risk of struggling to find someone to do the work, the costs fluctuating and of course there is always the risk that whoever you get to do the work does a shite job or leaves you with half a job, or totally rips you off.

The house that has had all this work done is a known quantity, the project house is in many ways, a massive and potentially expensive, gamble.

When you've found the perfect....anything...stop looking. You loved the house enough to put an offer on it so stick with it. The problem (s) with the one he now wants are not yet known, a survey could show all sorts of (expensive) problems. IMO it's too much of a gamble, especially with supply prices rising as fast as they are and the risk of finding dodgy tradespeople

Oh, I thought the project was to add a loft conversion and extension?

Just a thought- could this be a last minute wobble because he hesitates to commit? Does it have something to do with a broader pattern of commitment- avoidant behaviour? Or just advance 'buyers' remorse' at such a big decision?

Hope you find a good way forward.

Having bought two fixer uppers because I could not afford them otherwise, I would always go with finished over project. He can take up other projects if he wants to be busy.

Ha! "Potential" that old chestnut. "Realising the enormous potential" (estate agent speak) would likely give you both a knife-edge nervous breakdown and squeeze you towards bankruptcy as costs sometimes have a habit of escalating due to "unforeseen complications".

*(Builder sucks his teeth, does an alarming intake of breath and says "well it's gonna cost you......")

We bought our first thinking they'd be some work but manageable though we were covering ourselves with a structural survey - it misses a lot and the house turned into a money pit. It was a huge constant stress never got to do the fun things we though like pick a new kitchen.

All the work was more expensive and took longer than initial thoughts - and that was with a family member building helping us cost up - our area was harder to find trade people and material and labour costs were higher.

DH used to say oh well we'll get the benefit years down the line - he got made redundant then ended up in another part of UK - and time we had to sell we ended up selling for less then we bought - despite spending a small fortune on the house.

I don't think it is fair for him to veto a house you both loved, and at that time had all the things you were looking in a house. He has changed what he said he wanted from a house.

Does the second house have the same size plot as the first one? The reason I ask is a perfect house (if we were in the position to buy) has come up for sale, all done and in moveinable condition though could have things done to make it more to what we wanted. Down the same road another one has come up approximately £200k less which makes it sound like a bargain. However, when I looked this second house has a much narrower plot with no garage to convert, which the first house has. This second house also needs lots of work to make it work for us, probably the £200k difference.

Before withdrawing your offer, I think you both need to have a serious talk about what it is you each want from this new house and see if it is the same.

Could you afford house 1 on your own? You mentioned about not buying together.

OP, are you really suited?
It doesn't sound like it.
You made a decision and he is now backing out.
If he doesn't agree to the buy the house as agreed, pull out of both znd have a rethink.
I wouldn't continue to trust him.
Does he respect you, care for you?
You have health issues and don't need the stress of an unnecessary project.
Maybe you are not suited.

The costs of building work have risen SO much in the last few years that unless there is an absolutely enormous difference in price, I would say that you would almost certainly end up spending far more to get the second house the way you want it. Extensions and attic conversions are now serious £££! And, that’s now. If you started this one would assume that you’d end up paying 2025-2027 prices for a lot of the big stuff. Who know that they will be?

Even with the couple of things you’ve mentioned, unless this other house is something like 100k cheaper you will not save money.

Sounds though that you’re just saying no for now to a project for good reasons. That’s what he has to compromise on. Yes one day, next house but not now. That sounds ok to me.

No. Don’t do it if your health is not good. We lived into a project. My health deteriorated very son afterwards. We are still sitting in it ten years later with zero work done. It’s just too much for me.

Plus as PPs have says, building costs are so expensive at the moment you’ll spend more than you’ll get back.

I also lived next to building work which was an extension and loft conversion. It was a nightmare living next to it let done living in it. It went on for months and months. My neighbours eventually found they couldn’t cope living in it and had to move into a caravan for a couple of months.

Don’t do it.

Has he ever done a project house? It
Can sometimes look like a romantic idea, but in reality it's months of stress and expense.

My best friend and her dh take on project houses, but only because she has a good job and they can afford for him to project manage and do most of the work himself and NOT work. To do it all with a full time job will be very difficult and very stressful. The romantic idea will soon become a nightmare.

I'd be talking to him about previous diy projects he's taken on and how he copes with that. Yes you can get tradesmen in, but that itself brings its own difficulties and will be more expensive than a diy project.

But I guess if you veto a house then so can he, so I'd take a few weeks out of house hunting and then start again. But if he seriously wants a project and you don't you may never agree on a property.

If it needs two extensions prepare yourself for major building expenses. Does the difference in price between the two properties reflect that?

OP twenty years ago I project managed the doubling in size of my 400 year old home to 300 m2. We have piling deeper than buildings on Canary Wharf. I am not a woman afraid of a project.

I would not do it in the current climate. Your OH is seriously deluded if he thinks he can make it economically worthwhile to take on house 2. That way lies madness, given the current costs and many uncertainties of building. The world and costs have massively changed since Covid.

Stand firm. x

Your OH is totally bonkers. We’ve done a renovation while living in it…..and it nearly destroyed us. After it was done we sold and moved into a new build as no way we were doing that again and I ended up hating the house. The stress was unreal.

We moved from the new build to another properly that needed complete refurbishing BUT had it done while living in our old home only moving in when finished. Thats the only way I’d do it. But in the current climate unless he can do majority of DIY just nope prices are crazy for materials.

We just had to have some structural work that only took a week but the mess and redecorating to how it was seemed to take forever.

We have just had a lot of work done on our house, it's taken nearly a year and, even though we have had the most fantastic team of guys, it has been incredibly stressful. Some evenings I was so tense my whole neck and jaw muscles were rock hard. The dust and noise are unimaginable.

Do you have builders lined up? Does he know a good reliable firm? Our builders have so much work they wouldn't even be able to start until after the new year. He needs to think about all this.

He's an imbecile.

Absolutely do not take on an house improvement project if it's not right for you. Having taken on a house about 10 years ago it is exhausting living with building projects - we are in the middle of our second phase and it is really dragging. I also have health problems....
If there is a house 'done' - go for it. Your DP needs to find a different sort of project. Hope he doesn't veto first house out of 'spite' .....

This totally agree 💯.

Unless you're exceptionally fussy about the layout, it's much easier to move somewhere that isn't a project and down the road, if you want to decorate you can do that - when costing up, add on having to go and work in the uni library or another location while the house is full of noise and drilling, eating takeaways while the kitchen is being extended (and redone?) - but it doesn't sound like money is the issue. I'd echo @BuggeryBumFlaps question, has he ever done this? Projects like this can strain a relationship where both partners made the decision, so it would surely be worse in your situation.

We bought a project @ToHouseOrNotToHouse. We were both all in on it.

It's still a project four years later.

This ⬆️
If he already agreed to buy a house with you, and house passed all the tests, he should stick to it.
This game of "there may be something better" does not sound like commitment tbh.

We are currently doing a renovation including extension on a house. It is single handed my the most stressful thing I have ever done. And I have a stressful job and a big family. I don’t understand why you would take on all they stress for no financial advantage

And those that mention the huge increase in cost of materials and work being done, are 100% correct.

I know of several people who had to scale back on projects that were deferred because of covid only to find costs increase by 30%.

Assuming you’ve had a proper conversation about this and discussed the expense/stress/risk attached to a building project vs moving straight into the “after” (which btw you can always do work on in the future to make it more amazing)? And that you have said how little the idea of a project appeals and the reasons why etc?

If after that he either gives you grief over it and/or vetos the original choice, then I’d be pulling out of the relationship.

You're not married (do you have appropriate paperwork in place regarding your respective share of house etc?), and you don’t have kids yet.

Someone who can’t negotiate on something this important, or consider your valid concerns, is someone who can’t negotiate on anything important. If you stay together/buy a house/have children everything will get way more important… Listen very careful to what you learn about him through this process - he is telling you who he is.