DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

[ToHouseOrNotToHouse]

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

There is some scope for projects in the new house. The didn't go into the attic so we could do that and have a master suite up there. It wouldn't be needed but could be lovely. This I think I could cope with if he fully project managed it because we have the whole rest of the house to live in so functioning bathroom / kitchen etc

He could have a workshop done in the garden. He could find projects if he really needed too. It just doesn't have to be such a major thing with the whole house being turned upside down.

You need to be completely honest with him that you really don’t like the idea of house 2 at all, maybe show him this thread to show lots of people understand your point of view even if he is struggling to.

There is a shortage of construction workers in my area and lack of availability / crazy high prices for some materials. And the longer a job takes, the more the cost of materials goes up - this will especially be a problem if he chooses to DIY and hasn’t locked in the price of materials.

But the main point is that this is about your feelings - you’re his partner. He should want to make you happy too, not contribute to your stress. I think you need to be clear that you don’t want a renovation project in the short to medium term and why, and he needs to respect that. It may be something you’d consider when life is calmer.

Is there a compromise? You find a third house which leaves something in the budget to do some work but is habitable while you do it. E.g just a lift conversion or an extension.

Or possibly a garden room/summer house which would leave the house itself intact?

Edit for cross post: @ToHouseOrNotToHouse I didn’t see your last update and we’ve just said the exact same thing 😂

When we had our loft converted to master suite about 4 years ago it was 50k. Neighbours were being quoted closer to 100k for exactly the same job a year ago. Prices have rocketed. No way 100k will get loft and extension.

I wouldn’t buy a project house ever. I’d just refuse. I don’t want to live with building work and all that stress. If my partner insisted on a project, then I wouldn’t buy with him.

So expensive to do this, always costs more than you think. But if you are pulling out get on and do it - its very unfair to your vendor.

Nonsense. Houses should be bought with head not heart. You don’t have to love them at first, you can turn them into places you love.

OP - the cost of renovation atm is astronomical - building work, materials etc.

Much safer to buy a done house with cost of renovation finite and finished - than tie yourself into escalating costs.

Great. So there’s still to work to be done and value to be added (poss at a later point when costs are lower), but it’s not a massive project.

I would stand firm and be as stubborn as he is.

OP how long will you stay if this is your first house? How much are the houses that we’re talking about? Is it a 200k starter home or something more that you’ll stay in a long time.

We were only in our first house a few years then we moved to somewhere bigger and double the price. We were at the stage in our careers where our salaries were still going up pretty quickly. It would not have been worth the money or effort to extend that first house.

House 1 done to someone else's needs wants and desires house 2 done to yours. It's a no brainer for me I'm with your husband. However you aren't so go out for a walk together and calmly express your concerns and listen to his. There is no right or wrong here it's a massive incompatibility you need to thrash out a solution too.

We just had plans costed for an attic conversion and it’s almost double what it would have been in 2019. Now would cost 50% more than it would add in value. I would check and double check your estimates for the work. We’re in a VERY expensive area for trades but it’s not at all financially sensible here right now.

I would veto the 'project house'. You don't want a project.

I would make it clear that of course he can now veto the first house (out of spite), but that won't change your mind about the 'project house'. You don't want one, it's not a good fit for your life/time/work/finances, and you don't want to live in a construction site.

You may be on different pages when it comes to house buying; best find that now and perhaps consider not living together/buying together. I'd say that, too.

You’re not in the best health, also working and studying. The do-er upper would be a complete nightmare. Why can’t he respect that? It seems strange to love the first house one day and then flip to the other. Commitment issues ?

If I were in your situation, I would veto house 2.

We bought our house a few years ago, knowing that it needed work. We didn’t have any choice, it was the only house in a suitable location within a realistic budget and we had no time to wait.

It’s not been great. 2.5 years on, we still have a kitchen that’s falling apart!

You mention a uni course - I started a uni course 18 months ago, and it’s very time-intensive. A lot of my weekends are spent studying rather than renovating. We took the decision to leave the kitchen until I’m done with uni - I couldn’t face the stress of both at the same time.

I also have health issues, and that just makes everything take even longer. When working full-time, if I’m in pain (& still have to study too), renovations are the last thing I want to/am able to do.

Lastly, when we put our offer in, the small extension we wanted to do was estimated at £15k. By the time we moved in, it was £25k, and more like £35-40k now. We won’t be doing it - it doesn’t make financial sense at all & we don’t intend on staying here forever.

Sounds like you are at a stalemate - of his making.

The situation is - you really really don't want to buy the second house. You weren't looking and you aren't interested. At all.

He was interested in the first house. He 'loved' it. Enough to put an offer in.

Therefore, you should go with the first house.

If he is now saying he doesn't like the first house, then that is the same as you not liking the second.

So you have to start again and find somewhere completely different.

Or realise you are not on the same page and be pleased you had a lucky escape from such a big financial commitment together.

(Is wot you should say to him. IMHO!)

Edited to add: if your health is uncertain and you are starting some new ventures eg uni, then 'playing it safe' is a very valid decision.

We've renovated several houses, right from the roof downwards. I have the skills etc to do this, so have been able to complete a lot of the work myself.
But, the last house has broken me. We've been here 5+ years, it should have been sold by now. I've not been well, DH has lost interest. The worst thing is everything has become so difficult and expensive. Scaffolding alone has gone through the roof (no pun intended!), it's hard to get competent and reliable builders, we have been let down so many times. Even diying, the cost of materials is awful now. DH and I fall out about the house a lot and we are struggling financially.
My point is if you are not well and not on board with renovation , then don't go there. We are relatively experienced at this and the current climate has broken us.

I don't think it's so bad that he's interested in another property.

If the roles were reversed, I think the vote would still be YANBU.

A property is a big commitment, makes sense to check again for alternatives.

So veto it. (I would)

What do you think his next steps will be?

90k doesn’t sound anywhere near enough for an attic conversion and large rear extension, unless you are up north where things tend to be cheaper?

House 2 sounds like it needs much more than the attic. OP said kitchen diner + attic.

No way will you ever get all that for 90-100k! That’s a fantasy.

And “modest estimate” is miles away from actual quote in the current market.

Both parties have to be100% on board for a reno-and the days of it being better value to extend/improve are in the rear view mirror, it’s almost poorer value now

Having done major renovations on almost every house I've ever bought, I can tell you it is hell, for all the reasons others have pointed out. You have to both be very committed to doing it, and be confident it will be worth it financially. It also helps enormously if you're both very practical and hands on with DIY skills, otherwise you'll be completely reliant on paid labour.

yeah sorry i think you have your quotes wrong, in south west and 2 companies quoted 70- 80k just for a attic conversion