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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

199 replies

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 08/06/2024 23:03

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 09/06/2024 08:24

Tell him to come up with a cost benefit analysis for the second property. List the work, the approx cost, etc and review. Get him to make a list of other pros and cons. Probably he doesn't have an appreciation of how hard and costly renovation is.

crew2022 · 09/06/2024 08:25

I totally understand about the building works. I will never undertake anything again. Tradesmen are usually unreliable. Costs always increase. It's hell to live through. We had ours over a year ago and it's still not completely finished. Don't do it.
But do look for a house you're both happy with.

rainydaysaway · 09/06/2024 08:25

Surely the problem is that he wants a renovation project and you don’t do you will never find a house you agree on?

Is there anything that can be done to house one? Can he build a nice summer house?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/06/2024 08:28

Also this is the most concerning part of the whole thread "My worry is that he will say no to the first house out of principle now and I will be gutted"

I can't stand stubborn, petty folk like this. It's a trait that goes through everything in life. Are you sure you want to buy a house with him?!

Anyhoo, the best advice I ever got regarding house hunting is "there's always another house".

What you think is the dream house right now, may pass you by and another house will come on the market and you will be glad you didn't go for the previous house. It's so true!

Codlingmoths · 09/06/2024 08:29

House 2 is a project. It does not meet the criteria. ‘When I said I did not want a project house, I do not want to be working on building plans, I do not want to be undertaking building in our new house,did you somehow hear me instead say whatever you want dear, after all it doesn’t matter how stressful I will find it, i don’t really count here do I? We set criteria, for some reason you think mine don’t matter now. I won’t buy this house, or any project house.’

Original poster
ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 09/06/2024 08:30

He said he didn't want a project either when we were originally looking. If he does now then I guess we just don't buy together as I am absolutely sure it would not be the right move for me.

I am trying very hard to take the over-emotion out of it but it's giving me a bit to ponder about him if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 09/06/2024 08:32

He is under estimating the mental cost of renovations.

don’t walk away from house 1. Keep the survey etc going. Say it’s so you have all the info you need. It sounds perfect and you can then get him planning a holiday or something with the money and time you have that you didn’t spend on a money pit

WhisperGold · 09/06/2024 08:33

Are you living together now?

RampantIvy · 09/06/2024 08:36

Marmalady75 · 08/06/2024 23:12

Having had building work done recently, I can tell you it’s a complete pain in the arse. Lots of noise and dust. Promises that someone would turn up at a certain time and they were late or didn’t even show. Delays over materials. Delays due to weather. Planning regulations are a nightmare. Your relationship will suffer. Your mental health will suffer.
If you have the money to buy one ready to move into then do it.

This ^^

Our last house was a "project".
I will never live in a doer upper again.

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2024 08:37

Can you buy solo?

Loopytiles · 09/06/2024 08:37

understandable that you don’t want the high and unpredictable costs, work, disruption and so on of a large extension project.

Risks are best taken on the basis of information & knowledge: your DP doesn’t have that about the option he is now advocating. He wants to take risk with both his own and your money, time, wellbeing, and thereby your relationship

Doingmybest12 · 09/06/2024 08:39

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 09/06/2024 08:04

Doingmybest12 - I was never happy with the project house. I have not changed me mind at all.

When we started looking I was clear that I didn't want to take on a project. I know I couldn't manage it at the moment or for the next 4 years. We cannot live in the house as it is for 4 years.

In theory, I love the idea of planning how the house would be and getting something amazing at the end but I know it's not right to add the stress of it to my plate right now. I am not saying never to a project.

Sorry, I read your first post as saying a house you were buying before was back on the market. I've re read and can see I was wrong. Well then he's changing goal posts, stick to your decision. Apols

Quitelikeacatslife · 09/06/2024 08:40

Take his concerns seriously and work through them. In the past the advice would have been why pay a premium for work done when you can do it yourself. But work is more expensive now and you are not wanting to live through it. I can see that £100k is a huge amount of money and maybe he wants to do it up gradually, I can see that appeal. I wouldn't stamp my feet and say but you liked it before, it is a big decision. Talk through each house and you will need to decide together.

napody · 09/06/2024 08:43

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 09/06/2024 08:30

He said he didn't want a project either when we were originally looking. If he does now then I guess we just don't buy together as I am absolutely sure it would not be the right move for me.

I am trying very hard to take the over-emotion out of it but it's giving me a bit to ponder about him if I'm honest.

Try and stay calm or it'll become about more than just this. Just stick with 'as I said from the beginning, I'm not up for a project house'. He's the one being impulsive and having his head turned! Hopefully he's just having a moment and will settle down. I'm hoping he hasn't given you reason to believe he'll do tit for tat vetoing to spite you? You're just worrying that he will because you want the first house so much?

Another one who had a house fall through, it felt like a disaster at the time but turned out for the best. The whole process gets people all riled up!

bergamotorange · 09/06/2024 08:44

ToHouseOrNotToHouse · 09/06/2024 08:30

He said he didn't want a project either when we were originally looking. If he does now then I guess we just don't buy together as I am absolutely sure it would not be the right move for me.

I am trying very hard to take the over-emotion out of it but it's giving me a bit to ponder about him if I'm honest.

Yes this is a key moment as you need to treat each other fairly. You can veto any house you want, as can he. How he behaves through this is important.

Do not be bullied - your reasons for not wanting a project at this time are sound.

It is possible he is just having a house wobble, but it is also possible he is testing out your boundaries, as you had already said you did not want a project.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 09/06/2024 08:44

The cost of renovations has increased massively these past few years and so I'd be very cautious about thinking that it can be done for the same or similar cost.

Maybe get him to do some realistic maths to explore whether it really is worth it

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/06/2024 08:47

Building work would be incredibly stressful to live with and it's very very expensive at the moment. Stay firm. There's no advantage to doing up the second house if you can get one that's similar to the first house for the same amount of money. Maybe a builder could buy that for himself and do it up cheaper but it doesn't sound as though you and your partner are in that position.

daisychain01 · 09/06/2024 08:50

Forget the house for a moment and focus on his behaviour.

you're not well, and if he knows this and still resolutely insists on putting you both into a situation where you're basically buying a reck with all the stress and discomfort that entails while you have health concerns, then ask yourself if you want to be with an inconsiderate selfish idiot who is fixated on the wrong thing.

personally, I'd ditch the house and ditch him at the same time. It isn't a dream house when the relationship has major fault lines going through it 🚩

fruitbrewhaha · 09/06/2024 08:55

10 years ago I would have said buy the fixer upper, you’ll make money on it. But it’s so bloody expensive to do work on property now you won’t. In fact it cost you more. The ok y reason to do it is if you don’t really like what you can buy and want to create the perfect house for you.

Bornnotbourne · 09/06/2024 08:56

I used to do up houses and sell them on, however, I’ve stopped recently as the price of materials and lack of skilled trades has meant the current house I am doing up has taken 2 years and the budget has doubled. Lots of our skilled trades returned to Poland or retired. The new ones coming through do not have the same skills (or discipline!) needed to make a house nice.
Projects can destroy marriage!

Giveupnow · 09/06/2024 08:59

The renovations will be at least double what you think they will cost! And take at least twice as long!!

Pickled21 · 09/06/2024 09:09

You both have a right to a veto so I'd say it is back to the drawing board. For what it's worth depending on the stage of life I was in I'd go for the doer upper simply because I know I would like a kitchen that fits around my way of life so someone else's dream kitchen would not be mine. For that reason I'd avoid a house with a newly done up kitchen as I'd be paying premium for it only for me to rip it out.

I've lived through a big renovation as a child and it was physically and mentally tough. I'd consider it though when we move in a few years but by then my toddler will be older. As you've said yoi have a lot on your plate and currently don't want a major project. That's fine, you have the right ro say no and go back to viewing houses.

Tooshytoshine · 09/06/2024 09:15

£100k won't go as far as you think. There are lots of hidden costs - re wiring, plumbing etc. Building costs are high ATM.

You would need an en suite and a new kitchen that would take a significant chunk.

Go round the fixer upper with a builder then watch the blood drain from your DPs face

Susah · 09/06/2024 09:17

Op couldn't he have a project in house 1?

Like design and build his own home man cave in the garden area?

mumda · 09/06/2024 09:21

Do you both work from home? Who'd project manage?

Can you turn the lovely house into a project by suggesting something extra be added to it.

Having lived and worked in a house being done up I'd would say absolutely not again.