DP wants to pull out of a house purchase and buy something I don’t. AIBU to say no?

[ToHouseOrNotToHouse]

First house we are buying together. Found a perfect place and both fell in love with it. oOffer accepted and Surveys to be done this week etc

yesterday he saw a house that is basically the one we are buying before it had some amazing renovations and an extension. It’s a fair bit cheaper but we would spend about what we would save getting it up to the standard of the first house so makes no financial advantage from what I can see.

I don’t want to take on a project. It is the wrong time due to work, a new uni course and my health not being perfect at the moment. He seems unhappy that I want to play it safe and I can’t focus on the potential of the new house but 24 hours ago the first one was perfect for us so what does it matter that the new one could be even better?

AIBU and how do we even resolve this? I have a feeling he will get a bit stubborn over this but I absolutely do not think adding this level of stress is right for me or us at the moment and we can take on a project one day but not now.

Thanks everyone.

It's only fair that if I get to veto the second house he gets to veto the first and we go back to searching.

It's frustrating as we found something that ticked all of our boxes and he is still saying it does he just always likes to move forward if an opportunity presents itself.

I think you need to fight this on a factual basis. Be firm that you want the works fully costed out, with a healthy contingency fund (that will definitely get spent) and a definite timescale. It all needs to be based on quotes and factual information from builders etc... I suspect that will open his eyes about how expensive building work is these days and how difficult it will be to get hold of trades to commit to doing the work. The length of time you will be living in a building site also needs to be factored into the plans with funds set aside for takeaways/eating out/hotels if necessary.

I work in property and the cost of refurbishment has gone off the scale since COVID/Brexit/Political events so the work done on the first house probably cost less than half of what it will cost to do the same to the second house.

The thing is @ToHouseOrNotToHouse , if you agreed to the second house it would be you doing all the compromising. I would state firmly that you are not interested in house number 2 but you understand if he wants to pull out of number 1. Dont plead your case, just leave him to mull it over.
If he's someone who is never happy and always looking for 'better' then life is going to be harder than it needs to be. Just be aware of that.

Doingmybest12 - I was never happy with the project house. I have not changed me mind at all.

When we started looking I was clear that I didn't want to take on a project. I know I couldn't manage it at the moment or for the next 4 years. We cannot live in the house as it is for 4 years.

In theory, I love the idea of planning how the house would be and getting something amazing at the end but I know it's not right to add the stress of it to my plate right now. I am not saying never to a project.

I guess he could say the same, that you were happy with the project originally so why aren't you now?

When did OP say they were happy with a project?

PP's are right. The second house will end up costing much more than the first. Unless you're doing a lot of the work yourselves, you're unlikely to break even.

What is the price difference?

I think he's being unfair here, if he really did love the original house.

That wouldn't be 'out of principle' it'd be out of pettiness or spite.
Veto the project- house renovations need to be a mutual decision. Hopefully he will have enough sense to stick with the original. If he doesn't... very telling. You said its under budget and finances are good- can you afford to buy it alone?

In the circumstances you describe, I agree with you the house you are buying sounds the best option. As a previous poster said, living in a house whilst having the works done is not great. Does your partner have any idea how much the intended works on house b would cost? Why go to let effort for limited or no financial gain? Stick to your guns.

Don’t buy either house unless you are both happy. Don’t force him into “you” house and don’t let him force you into “his”. Ditch both houses for now if you’re not both on board. It will
not be worth years if resentment. It’s a huge commitment and both parties have to be happy.

I’d definitely not be taking on a do-er upper right now, if ever! Trades are hard to find and expensive. Cost out the renovations very, very carefully and add an enormous contingency.
I’ve heard there have been delays in getting materials too so add time to timescales.
In summary: property 1…or a completely different property 3.

'It's only fair he gets to veto the first house' - but he'd already agreed to it, so it's not logical to veto it without good reason , and 'I fancy a project now even though you made it clear from the start you didnt' isn't a good reason.

Building work is incredibly expensive at the moment. Maybe look into how much it would cost to do the work to the second house - it may well be more than the difference between the two houses.

Two Yes'es or one No, for important decisions between couples. If he has gone off the first house you don't buy it. But equally if you don't like the new house you don't buy that either. I think you need to start again looking, if you buy either of these now it will be an argument forever, unless one of you genuinely changes their mind, not just agreeing to keep the peace.

My sole decision on which house to choose on our new estate was based on what direction the garden faced.

Since he's not responding to your concerns, try another approach. A south or west facing garden will always be worth more and sell easier than east and north. What do the houses you're looking at have?

We did a fairly small scale reno and even that was time-sucking and stressful while juggling our full-time jobs, so you are right to not want to commit without feeling it 100%. Has your DH given any consideration to who will project manage it - i.e him? It’s not just a case of inviting builders in to get on with it. Every day there are multiple decisions to make, deliveries to oversee, budget to handle, documents/invoices to sign off. You have to really, really want to do it! So stick to your guns, OP. Also maybe return to see the original house so you can remind him of the work that’s already been put into it.

We have talked finances.

The difference between the houses is about 100k but the modest estimate for the work is around 90k but it will obviously go over. I do think that if we magically had the work done and relisted the house immediately we'd make that money back - but over time who knows what will happen.

And although we can afford it now, my finances are about to change so if the costs really go over our original budget at a time that I'm dropping hours then we might struggle and I do not want to be stuck in a half finished thing with no money to continue.

He is just very sure that we can get a better house at the end and that we can afford it.

I disagree. If he has changed his mind now about house 1 for whatever reason, then it’s best to say so now before buying. This is a huge commitment and both of them have to feel that it’s right. To be pressured into the single biggest purchase of his life so far could breed a lot of resentment. They both need to be on the same page

Generally I might agree with others that you should let him veto the first house. BUT, it doesn’t really sound like he has anything against it.

The disagreement isn’t so much that he thinks something is wrong with the house, it’s that he sees the opportunity for a fun new hobby - house renovation - and is excited about the possibility of being able to choose exactly what he wants for all the details. He’s just seeing the positive side whereas you’re more realistic - this stuff is stressful, horrible to live with, and time and costs always go over.

If he was saying no because of something actually wrong with the first house then he should definitely get a veto, but it sounds like he just wants a ‘fun project’ of doing up a house.

It’s a difficult situation though. You may well end up either with him blocking the first one and you (sensibly) refuse the doer upper so spend ages looking for something ok. Or he agrees to buy the first one and you have to deal with him being resentful about it.

This is how I feel but I don't see how else to make it fair if he really can't go for house 1 because I veto house 2

His renovation aspirations will cost a LOT: the costs of materials and services is very high.

He is probably being unrealistic on the cost estimate.

he is probably not having enough regard to the non monetary costs and opportunity costs, including for his time. (Assuming you would want little part in managing the work, budget and people).

YANBU to say a firm no to house 2.

If he is no longer willing to proceed with house 1 (which is a shit way to treat the vendors and others in the chain so close to exchanging - I’d think less of him for that alone) I’d make it clear that your stance on high cost, large renovations won’t change and ask him to consider the risk that you won’t find as good a place as house 1 in budget.

Agree with PPs that it’s bad that your DP is being pejorative about you because of your different criteria and preferences.

I experienced similar and caved in. In our case his plan made great financial sense (20 years ago, costs and economic circumstances were different) the renovations took much longer (more than double) and cost more (30%) than he’d guessed. he committed almost all his non working time to it, there were various problems with the work, it dominated several years and he was very stressed and preoccupied during and after that time.

I felt strong resentment of DH over how he treated me over the decisions and during all the work and it damaged my trust in him hugely.

No, we agree. I said it would be fine to veto with a good reason. But if the reason is he's now suddenly decided he wants a project, that's not a good one. And it won't work, as OP has been clear from the start she doesn't.

I wouldn't worry about fairness. Just veto the second house, don't talk about any of it for a day or two. See what happens.

Having had the extension from hell 18 years ago I would never live in a real project again. We bought a house that was perfect for us a year ago and there's still been a lot of works to live with. Quite bad enough to do the superficial stuff.

But if he will veto purely for 'tit for tat' reasons you have much bigger problems.
I agree with @PermanentTemporary - you have to veto the second as you can't take on a project (don't blame you, my idea of hell!) What he chooses to do afterwards is not in your control. But it'll tell you a lot about him.

This. We did what you described. Loft conversion (hip to gable plus dorma) with new bathroom and a 6 by 4m kitchen extension. All in it was probably 100k and this was 10 YEARS ago and was 18months of mess, reduced plumbing/heating, builder conflict (including a court case), pissed off neighbours I dread to think of what the cost would be today. Lucky to get it done for 150k now I imagine.

How long after viewing first house did you put your offer in?

How many houses have you viewed?

It sounds like you've both acted on a whim to offer on the current house and now he is swayed. He got caught in the moment.

So id pull out but that doesn't mean I'd buy the other one either. I think you need to view more houses.

You both have to like the house, that’s the bottom line when buying one.

You do both like house 1 but you don’t both like house 2.

He is being unreasonable if he is pressuring you to buy a house that you don’t want to buy & is giving you anxiety. Not everyone is happy with the idea of taking on a project.