Lone man in soft play area

[solitudeisbliss]

I was at the local soft play centre with my DD this morning.

While I was there, a man came into the soft play and sat at one of the tables. He didn’t appear to have any children with him when he came in, and after watching him drink his coffee and talk on his phone (through headphones) for 45 minutes, he then got up and left.

I went to speak to the manager after he left and asked if she had noticed that this man didn’t have any children with him.

She just said ‘well sometimes people come in and use this as a cafe which we allow’.

For context, there are many other cafes within a 2 minute walk from the soft play, and it is not inside a shopping centre, it is in its own building next to a retail park. Also, you have to pay to get in, and the area is gated (people on reception have to let you in) so if they wanted to stop people from entering without children they could.

Just wondering if people think this is normal behaviour or if I should raise it with someone (please give me advice on who!) as I feel it’s a potential safeguarding concern.

AIBU - this is completely normal and nothing needs to change

AINBU - there should be a rule stopping lone adults coming in to soft play

I’m with this. Many reasonable suggestions already offered. This is a crazy thread.

My dad died long time ago but I understand what you are saying. Not sure what kind of vetting you mean, but yeah, I will be keeping an eye on other members of the family, when they have ACCESS to the child.
Secondly, yes stranger danger is rarer but not not existent. you need to read up on how some paedophiles actually picked potential targets by observing the kids on the playground and near their home (how they interacted with other kids, their families, how closely their family watched them etc). And given that, not having some strange men lurking at a soft play may reduce risks for those families who are maybe a bit more lax

Agreed.

I'd want to feel confident that my DC can do some independent playing in the play frame without worrying that a random man is watching them for nefarious reasons or might try to abduct them.

Do you not, you know... supervise them carefully yourself? That's a very basic part of parenting young ones; and kids of the age to enjoy soft play, whilst you can give them certain freedoms, can't actually be properly independent, much as they might want to be.

McDonalds is extremely popular with children, and isn't especially known for serving the finest, most gourmet food and drink that would delight most adults over that from a 'grown-up' cafe, bistro or tea room. In fact, much of it is produced and designed to appeal to children - the taste, the beigeness, the form factor, the bright colours, the fun activity sheets on the trays, the crayons, the toys and promotions.

Maybe we should ban, or at the very least treat with the utmost suspicion, any lone adult who goes there?

I'd understand if this were an adult man diving into the soft play area and whooping excitedly whilst swimming in a ball pool and jumping on the foam number cubes, as this would indeed be inappropriate behaviour for an adult. However, I don't know in which world anybody would claim that drinking coffee and eating standard cafe fare is for children only, and somehow extremely dodgy for an adult to do.

It's been a number of years now since my DS was of soft play age, but I can still recall most of the parents there, every visit, would be occupied by sitting away from the play area in the cafe, chatting to their friends, constantly on their phones etc. - anything apart from watching their own children. I do think there are a lot of parents who think that soft play means they don't actually have to be parents and look after their own kids whilst there; maybe this is their thinking: that it's up to the business to supervise their kids?

I remember watching my child carefully throughout - I would genuinely not have had the spare capacity or time to spend watching a random adult to the extent that I could know which kid was his, whether he was waiting for/meeting somebody else, whether he was just there alone to use the cafe or what. A strange adult didn't need my supervision or concern; my little child did.

But not a lone female? Are there loads of women going there without children, and you see that as completely normal?

A while ago there was video circulating of a woman struggling to get up from a squat while nobody in the gym is looking out for her.

I'm dreading the day when a similar story involving a child pops up on my feed.

Don’t be ridiculous.

If you had had safeguarding training about paedophiles, then you weren't paying much attention to where the danger lies.

@Garlicker

The very first (and absolute) tenet of safeguarding is to ask the question:

Is the person safe now.

Are the children who went to the soft play where the man stopped for a coffee and to use the WiFi safe?

They certainly are from the coffee man. Because he left after 45 minutes.

Their Dad could be in bed with them right now, their mother could be stubbing her fags out on their chests or her boyfriend could be jacking up next to them.

Yet again, for those in the cheap seats, over 90% of abuse is from someone the child knows well. That rises even higher if the child is under 10 and male.

And stupid, exaggerated reactions like (thankfully only a few) on this thread are the reason WHY that figure is so high.

Because it's so much easier to go chicken licken over a random bloke having a coffee and not Grandad.

I do the actual training on how abusers target their victims.

Sadly, the whole "stranger danger" myth helped many many abusers continue to get away with it for many many decades.
It is vanishingly rare that a child will be abused by someone unknown to them.

The OP didn't say anything about the man being "strange" btw. Nor did she say she had left her child unattended at any point giving the non-strange man "access".

Do they specify that they don't allow lone adults in? Or have you known people who have tried to get in without kids and been told no?

I never would have seen that specified at any soft play I went to, and I don't recall ever seeing any lone adult trying to get in either so I wouldn't know if it was allowed or not.

I think most people like to see children playing and having a good time.

As in they'd notice it and it would make them smile and think 'ah isn't that lovely to see?' and then they'd get on with their day.

It's a bit different than heading off somewhere to specifically sit there with the intention of watching them play. 🙃

I’m interested that you keep saying ‘regardless of gender’ in these posts. Surely we all know that men are much more of a risk to children, I don’t see the need to try and be so fair in this scenario. I would be very worried by a lone male, much less so by a lone female. And I would say that yes chances are there’s an innocent explanation but what if there’s not?

To be honest the coffee is absolutely awful haha 😂 Another reason why I don’t understand why you would choose to go in there

Can't find stats in the UK but I'm sure they're similar to the US. Based on the US data, I suggest you should stop driving to the soft play area because your child is around 10x more likely to end killed in a road accident than they are to get abducted by a stranger sitting around having a coffee in a soft play area

Very worried by a lone male in this scenario. You don't think that might be a tad irrational do you? Tell us your reasoning.

It's such a sad thing to say. Have you got low expectations of your grandad?

I wouldn’t be going back there once being made aware that lone adults were welcome. OP’s instincts are spot on.

Stranger is its own word. It doesn’t mean he is strange.

stranger - a person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar

I’ve addressed the point about abusers who are known to a child. It doesn’t mean however that a lone man (or woman) at the soft play is not suspicious.

Yes stranger abduction is very rare; but also if a child is abducted he/she is unlikely to be found (alive), so it’s consequences are more deadly. With child abuse involving a known person you at least have a living child that you can help with therapy

regarding people saying "this wouldn't be an issue if it was a lone female"

Soft play places I have been to wouldn't just let a lone female in either - a friend was meeting me and my child there and they had to confirm that and then the staff let them in. I probably would notice a lone female sitting alone and then leaving without a child as well. I wouldn't assume "paedophile" but I would notice it the same way I would notice a lone man (who I also wouldn't assume was a paedophile) because its unusual and because the coffee is so terrible noon wouldgot there willingly without a child.

The OP isn't saying the man is at fault here. She is asking whether the centres policies are.

OP - if I was you I would send an email to the soft play management just querying their policies. Obviously you would make it non-hysterical. Just something about "I was surprised to be told that..." I wouldn't lead with the story of seeing the man at all as he isn't the focus.

It's such a sad thing to say. Have you got low expectations of your grandad?
@NasiDagang

what an odd response, PP was clearly trying to make a point that families are more likely to access and abuse children (and get away with it) than a random adult going about their business in the vicinity of children.

She didn't say anything about her own family!

Planes falling out the sky is also rare but not non-existent

Do you get worried whenever there's a tiny bit of turbulence?

Anxiety disorders are not rare in children. Are you not concerned you may be passing one on if you're this vigilant and concerned about extremely rare events?

Since people are imagining the reasons that the man was there.... Maybe he was in fact a "secret shopper" sent there to specifically test the soft plays safety policies.
I don't have an issue with lone adults in playgrounds etc. Its true lots of older people like watching people play, or just sit in the benches that are in the playground etc. And its fresht air.

Mine would be 140 but current facts are that 90% of abuse on minors is from a close male member of the family. That goes to 93% the younger the child and falls to 88% once the child is autonomous. That 5% though is still someone the child has close contact with. Teacher, sports trainer, family friend.

Nothing to do with expectations. Just facts. And those are the cases which have been reported and recorded. So factor in the (estimated) 50% of child abuse cases never reported.