DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

My main worry would be that if you ever split up and you want to go home to the arak you wouldn’t be able to take your child/children.

There was a really heartbreaking thread on here a few years ago from a woman in that position. And I’ve seen one a few years ago from a woman in Australia too.

Your DH should not confuse desperate Tory Party Electioneering and Daily Mail scaremongering as a "threat of war" which necessitates emigrating.

You’re unreasonable to say no without fully investigating it.

i hope it’s a great offer as it’s very expensive there. I’m from NZ and can’t afford to move back. Which city is it likely to be? What’s the general industry he’s in?

Of your marriage breaks ip you can never leave with your child. Like never. There was a poster on here a while ago who fell in that trap, badly. I never knew that about nz and stuck in my mind. My nz friend went home with her english husband, they were back after 3 years. He simply could not get a job (CA) and lots of anti-english sentiment.
As for what the company will offer, it totally depends on the package. Expat package - go for it. Being employed as a local- mmmmmm think again.
Family/friend/aging parents - how often do you think you’ll realistically see them. Much less than you think or what you plan for or promise now

No. Once you go over there you are stuck there, as if he doesn't want to return to the UK he can block your children returning without him.

That's a crackpot reason to move to the other side of the world with zero connections to a place you've never been. I wouldn't be entertaining the idea and I'd be getting him therapy for his distorted fears. Don't get railroaded into this simply because he's currently the breadwinner. You could end up seriously screwed and utterly stuck.

My brother and his wife moved to NZ a number of year ago.

It's different to the UK.

If your DH's only reason for wanting to go is that he thinks there might be war, well, war is very unlikely and doesn't he h it abe any better ones?

Food is expensive. Clothes are expensive. Most things are imported which means they are expensive and not readily available.

The current government is quite right wing and is laying off civil servants like there's no tomorrow.

The houses don't have heating (although it doesn't get as cold in the winter).

You should at least visit first.

he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war.

This is not a good reason to uproot your family and go somewhere so far from anywhere else, where you have no connection or contacts.

He needs to deal with his anxiety before anything else.

From having done this with our family, albeit the other way, there is no sodding way I'd ever relocate anywhere, let alone as far around the world as you can get, without having been there, and got a very good feel for the country and the culture. If it isn't something both of you are committed to making work, do not do it. And don't be bullied into it, because of a touch of warmongering going on, neither.

It's at least as big a decision as having another baby - one in which it takes two yeses to forge ahead, and only one no to veto.

This. Don't ever move somewhere unless you actively want to.

Sounds like he should address his fears with calm and logic, rather than drag his family to the Southern Hemisphere in a panic.

I wouldn't want to go.

If there’s a war that makes the UK unliveable then NZ will be involved in that war. 100% no doubt whatsoever. So there’s that

I think marriage is about compromise and you should do some more research before dismissing the idea.

I personally love travel and adventures and would probably go for it in that spirit - your DS is very young and kids are super adaptable, it's not like he's at secondary school in an exam year...

But the compromise cuts both ways and of course your DH should be listening to you if you have researched and have significant concerns.

YABU if you're dismissing it out of hand; but YANBU if you do the research and end up deciding you don't want to go. Hope it works out.

Also it is not a fast process to move there.

If you have kids they need to be medically assessed - NZ don't want disabled kids or any kind of medical issues.

See this;

www.immigration.govt.nz/new-zealand-visas/preparing-a-visa-application/medical-info/acceptable-standard-of-health-criteria-for-visa-approvals

One of my brother's kids had to go through extensive medical testing because when the child was born he'd spent some time in NICU and the NZ government wanted to be completely sure there was nothing medically wrong with him. It cost my brother a lot of money to get a consultant to examine the child in detail and confirm that he was in nicu because of prematurity and there was no impact on the child's health.

I would probably go for a couple of years, it'll be an amazing opportunity and it's a great place to raise a family - I have family their and the lifestyle suits them as they are very sporty. Look carefully into the legalities, obviously, but don't dismiss it straight away.

In europe our agressie is russia.
the agressor in asia pacific is china
i’d rather take my chances in europe

Absolutely no way on earth I’d move myself or my child to a country the other side of the world, that I’d never even been to, in order to deal with my husband’s paranoia. You’re creating some potentially very permanent ties to a country you’ve never even visited.

People think that because NZ is English speaking and has some similarities in government etc that it’s like the U.K. but it’s not - I certainly wouldn’t move there unless I’d visited for a decent length of time, spoken to local people, actually visited the area I might live in (not just the tourist sites), read up on and actually experienced some of the local culture and was ok with the remoteness. I’ve been on holidays there - it’s beautiful country and we had a great time but I would never want to live there.

The flight is brutal and expensive and once the child is resident there (and they will quickly feel more like a New Zealander than a Brit if that’s where they grow up) they may very well not return to the UK even if you do.

https://www.trademe.co.nz/a/property/residential/rent

Have a look at the area you’ll be in and how far your money will go. Food is really expensive if you try and by out of season. Books are expensive but the libraries are great. There’s a strong second hand market and toy libraries.

A friend caved in to her DH and his desire to emigrate to NZ, so they uprooted and þook their 3 young children.

They returned after about 6 years, he left her soon after and she was left with virtually nothing. She'd lost 6 years of teachers' and state pension, too.

Think very carefully - taking into account all the things other pp have pointed out - before agreeing to this.

This.

I live near Lossiemouth in Scotland and hear Russian bombers being chased off by fighter jets to the North of us almost every week. The world is going mad and sensible preparations are being made but as far as I’m aware there is no imminent threat of war on British soil, certainly not enough of a threat to be the reason for a rushed move to New Zealand.

Your DH does need a new job asap, and some help for his anxiety, but not in New Zealand.

I wouldn't move halfway round the world, to live in a country I've never visited and know nothing about, no.

One of my school friends moved to Australia as her DH had a job there. The marriage broke up and she struggled for years to get a visa that would allow her to stay beyond their youngest's 16th birthday. The DC were allowed to stay per the terms of their DF's visa.
OP, don't do it. You have never been to NZ. My friend had spent a year in Australia several years previously so knew what moving there permanently looked like.

My sister has emigrated to NZ and it's going well for her and the children. But she did tonnes of research and did an extended holiday to scope things out. Her skill set is hugely in demand so her employer did loads of the legwork and sorted out housing schools etc so it was all relatively simple.

Her salary is comparable but the cost of living in NZ is higher than here and there are less choices. Housing, heating etc. but they love the outdoor lifestyle and the peace and quiet.

She does really miss friends and family. We're heading to see them for the first time since they moved and it's been tough to save for the flights etc. You need to accept that it's not a realistic trip for many older relatives too

I’ve been to NZ. I loved it, but I’m not sure I could live there. It’s very different. If you aren’t white, it can be more racist than the UK in some ways (my direct experience only). People are friendly and relaxed but it’s vast with huge unpopulated areas, VERY expensive and so, so long to get back to the UK.

My friend has moved out recently with his partner and he’s struggling to adjust. She moved with work, her work have found him a job too but he’s homesick and finding the time difference hard to keep in touch with people.

Never being able to bring your kids home if you hate it and he wants to stay would be a hard no for me.

Are you used to living rurally? Do you love the outdoors? Are you OK with not seeing any friends or family?

I know or know of a few people that moved to NZ and most of them moved back, as the remoteness got to them more than they anticipated. It was very very hard for them to afford to fly back to the UK to visit and very very hard for them to move back due to costs of housing etc - some of them had to have family assistance or would have been effectively stuck there

Your husband does not sound rational, I'd never consider moving to a city I'd not researched and visited, let alone a country in a different continent, and his reason for doing so sounds very odd