DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

Oddly the person who will probably like NZ best out of all of you is your son.

Personally I don't think your DH reasons for moving to NZ are good ones. I've visited NZ and lived with Kiwis. The ones I know in long term relationships with British people have stayed here. They are able to do their sports/hobbies but can do more cultural things, and that's just the ones who don't live in cities/large towns.

Anyway it is a different lifestyle so if you don't like doing lots of sport and outdoor things then it isn't a country for you. While they speak mainly English and aren't as rude/blunt as Australians the culture is still different.

Great idea if you fancy returning to the 1950s. Oh and you need to remember your place as a woman.
Seriously it is a beautiful country and I’m sure a great place for kids to grow up but the culture is massively different from the uk.

Tricky one. As others have said once you are there you are stuck there. Unless your husband will be earning big, big money it's not just a hop skip and a jump to visit the UK.. it's a lot of money and of course it's a very long way. It becomes a big trip, not just something you can do in a week or even two really. I live in the UK and am from NZ and a return trip back for three would easily be £6000 for flights, probably more. NZ is a very, very expensive country as well. Life for me is much easier in the UK money wise. Like a PP I couldn't afford to return to live. I wish I had of considered the expense of returning more before I left. I would love to live in NZ but it really is so expensive. Housing, food, electricity all astronomical.

It's nothing like returning to the 1950's, and as for women 'knowing their place; might want to look at such things as when women first got the vote, no fault divorce, when marital rape was criminalised, how many female prime ministers NZ has had, that sort of thing.

I was rather bewildered when I first came over here in 1999, and was asked if my husband was aware and could I get his okay for something I wanted to do with our joint account!

We had neighbours who moved there and moved back.

I’ve travelled there and great for a holiday but I’d never emigrate there. Their capital city was like a town here. I felt like unless you were doing extreme sports I’d be bored. And yes it’s expensive. I know someone who married a Kiwi, lived there for a while but then they went to Australia as far better employment opportunities, more people and stuff to do!
I definitely wouldn’t move there not even having visited and for war reasons!

Good to see that, as with any thread about Aus/NZ, there’s the usual set of posters keen to point out that it’s some sort of racist sexist hellhole (the UK being famously free from such issues of course).

OP clearly there are serious logistical drawbacks with this move. Don’t go if you’re not sure and not prepared to embrace the change.

Ask him to find out all the answers to your visa questions. If he can't be bothered to do that then he's not serious.

It's a fecking long way from anything. Which is great in some respects and terrible in others.

If I was on my own (or if DH died) I'd move back to NZ in a heartbeat to be nearer my family. We thought about it after our last visit but decided not to as overall it's better for us here.

Food, clothing, books, technology are all more expensive.

The country is beautiful and amazing. It's a fantastic lifestyle. It's isolated. The older houses are cold (new builds are a lot better now; my brother is a builder). It's a very outdoorsy culture, which is great if you like that. The food tastes about 70 billion times better than anything grown here in the UK (apart from sausages). I miss the ice cream so much.

In your situation I'd be a 95% no, but get your DH to come up with a list of reasons why he thinks it would be good for your family and maybe there'll be more than you think, beyond the War issue.

Not just the answer to all the visa questions - tell him, he'll be the one organising selling up/storage over here, telling the family, organising the flights, initial accommodation, first house, all utilities, furnishings, getting sorted for doctor, school, dentists, bank accounts, tax and electoral enrolment. . . it's not for the faint hearted.

Some people have conniptions over moving to a different town - try the other side of the world!

And culturally it is very different to the UK, and its history is increasingly viewed from a less anglocentric perspective, which some migrants from the UK find quite challenging. (Some Kiwis do as well, to be fair!)

GrouchyKiwi - Lewis Road ice-cream?! And Whittakers chocolate. . .

I did this, we went to Dubai. We came back three months later to start again. If you do it, keep your house.

Oh yes @GrouchyKiwi I agree about the food and the sausages! I miss NZ sausage rolls (the ones in the freezer section that you cut and cook yourself at home) amongst many other delicious things. Probably enter for the waistline or living in NZ tbh

Better*

Oh god I didn’t expect so many replies im
about to read through!

I think he needs therapy for his anxiety rather than move you all to the other end of the world.

My bestie is a Kiwi and went back to NZ yo raise her family. Her children all adults and they have left NZ because of the remoteness.
My friend comes to UK regularly because ILs live over here .She would move to the UK in a heartbeat but cannot afford it
Her house in NZ is beautiful, very remote but she us missing the cosmopolitan life in UK and freedom to travel .

Even if you fall madly in love with a country and have a burning desire to live there, emigrating is at times incredibly difficult. If you are not so motivated it can be horrific.

I know a lot of Kiwis and expats. There’s a lot of pluses and a huge amount of downsides to NZ. If you’ve never even visited you can’t even begin to work out how you’d feel about it.

I would actually be quite concerned for his behaviour.

It is very extreme to move to the other side of the world on a whim, especially to a country you’ve never even been to.

I would definitely not move to a completely new country with no support system with someone who is pretty unstable and could get worse.

Give yourselves 12 months.
Look into and go on holiday to explore the areas.
If you both want to move still then go ahead.

You don't seem to be in a great position, OP.
I moved from a former Communist country to the UK about 25 years ago, but to NZ from the UK because your husband is paranoid about war?
Nah, tell him to ram it. 😁
And the PPs are right about the kids.

Why does he think going to NZ would make you immune from war? It's been involved in a number of wars since the end of WWII, and is currently supporting Ukraine against Russia.

This. This is the reason I never permanently moved over to nz. I’ve spent several seasons living and working out there 🚜 both with and without my now-husband but I just couldn’t live with the risk above. Plus I couldn’t leave all my friends and family with maybe a visit every few years if we’re lucky/feeling flush. Fuck that.
Not to mention that his reasoning is absolute tosh. That’s not a logical next step for you all, just because he’s afraid of war.

Your husband is batshit

Okay I’m going to try to answer everyone’s questions.

its a very very very well paid job in a good industry so we would be able to fly home if we wanted but the logistics of that with a small child mean, to me, we still won’t do it often.

DS is actually under a clinic for regular checks for something he doesn’t have but they’re keeping an eye to check it doesn’t develop so that could potentially be an issue I hadn’t realised.

we are outdoorsy yes, but there’s outdoorsy and outdoorsy. I do not live rurally and have never wanted to, I prefer the convenience of a town or city especially with a small child. I also don’t drive!!!

DH has become increasingly concerned about the war in the context of the UK specifically being a target. I don’t know if he’s spent too long on TikTok where it seems to be a constant stream of discussion or where it’s coming from. I have gently suggested his fear might be out of proportion to the threat and that if something did happen, no country that supports Ukraine/is part of NATO or allied with NATO countries is going to be untouched or uninvolved. It’s grim and I wish it wasn’t happening but I don’t think a
knee jerk life changing decision is the way forward here.

i hadn’t realised that about my wanting to leave and not being able to with DS, that gives me even more pause for thought.

hes loosely mentioned wanting to go there for ages but for an extended holiday not to live. The job offer is amazing, it really is, but in my view we would be sacrificing way too much in our personal
lives, disrupting DS so much and taking such a risk on an unknown quantity. I’m struggling to see any positives.

I don’t get why they want kids to be healthy? To check them medically? Why?

Why do they want kids to be healthy? To check them medically? Why?

The usual reason. Money.