DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

[Notnowbarnaby]

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK).
we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions.
im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there.
DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation.
weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc.
it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt.
im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move
AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

@Witchesandwizards I remember your posts and feeling so desperately sad for you. I really hope everything is going much better now. Sending plenty of good thoughts from a fellow antipodean!

Well apologies if I took it out of context but what I read was that they are often the countries “with the best PR.” I didn’t take that as “nicest” - but perhaps I missed an earlier thread by them?

And I also read that by worst they meant a list of things ( which they the. listed) and it was NOT just confined to removal of children. So I’m not sure “total” comprehension fail is quite fair.

The list reads:

And by worse, I'm talking about family court, financial matters, support, being allowed to travel home for visits, medical issues.

She follows up with advice to ‘women of childbearing age’.

It’s pretty obvious all of the above relates to the child custody issues, particularly as that’s what she has been posting about on this thread. You surely don’t have to know her background (which by the way she also gives on this thread) to realise that? Or maybe you, personally do….

Not read all the replies in your situation I would look at getting an immigration lawyer and look and see if there is a way of coming over on PR instead.

If you don't you may get settled here and then not able to get PR so would have to go back at some point.

If your husband is in a much needed industry then they could argue that if your child got sick his tax would more than cover it.

If it's a common thing your child may develop it may not be a problem.

You say it's a big salary but it may not be as big as you think.

We don't make anything much here so if there is a war we will be affected. Lots of stuff was difficult to get during covid.

Look at trademe.co.nz at property. Rentals can be tricky to find.

We got husbands cohusband's pay for a container and some money for temporary accommodation.

It was 10mths from excepting the job to getting visas and flights and home staring the job.
We had never been before, we came on pr visa as I have health problems.

It's very different to the UK
We are now citizens

Yes in my comments about it being easier in places like Sweden and Spain if it goes to shit- can I just say that's from a 'distance' angle - not necessarily that you can just bugger back to where you came from with kids easily- the guy I know in this situation is in UK, wife and kids in Spain - and they were in Spain when they split - He goes out every month for 5 days time.expensive yes , but more doable than say NZ

Thanks to everyone who understood.

My comments relate only to being a parent stuck in those counties as they have the most stringent rules and stuck mums face the most difficult circumstances. Other factors are horses for courses, and while there is a lot about NZ I do not like (and after almost 5 years I feel my list was fair and unbiased) this is not why it's one of the worst places to be stuck in. No mum has won relocation home from NZ since 2014.

And re the comment about the Hague also protecting mums. Indeed it does, and yes, in the 80s when it was set up, it worked. But it's now estimated that 75% of parents who lose the Hague are mums trying to return home, many fleeing domestic violence.

I'll give one example that is current now - she is literally in court today fighting for her babies and it's so ludicrous that if you have no experience in this area I do not expect you to believe it. Her story was in newspapers in her home country so she won't mind me sharing. She had her first child in her home country and sadly her partner died in Afghanistan. She then met someone from abroad who took her and her daughter to his country where he pretty much kept her prisoner - at home with no visa, job or money. They had two children. She left him and tried to return home via the courts. In 2020 she found evidence that him and his mother were sexually assaulting the two girls (and probably the son but he was too young to communicate). Her eldest child was 10/11 so her evidence was strong.

His family executed a smear campaign against her - she was alienating the children, she was making it up and trying to remove the children. She lost custody of their two shared children and had to share custody of the daughter who was not biologically his with him.

To save that daughter, and knowing she would never be able to take the other two, she fled home. With an 11 yer old who wanted to go. Once home her ministry of justice said they would help her and that there was no way her daughter would be returned. Weeks later she lost the Hague. The daughter was returned to this monster, but not before she was removed from mum and put in a children's home because it was mid covid and she couldn't be returned immediately. I saw the harrowing letters this poor child wrote to her mum from the children's home and they haunt me. Mum was unable to return to that country until now - she has no visa and losing The Hague means you are legally a child abductor.

I would understand if, reading this, you might think that there must be more to this but there isn't. The family court is not about justice.

To put it in another context, my children were born in London and were 10 and 6 when we moved here. We separated FOUR MONTHS after leaving London and even then I could not return home. I knew no one in New Zealand except my husband, his family and my kids.

He can now stop me travelling on a whim. I literally cannot travel to visit my sick parents without going through lawyers or court and even then it doesn't always work. in 2022 he agreed I could travel at Christmas if he could have my share of the July holidays to take them to Fiji. I agreed. While he was in Fiji his lawyer sent a letter saying he changed his mind. It took several moths and thousands of dollar to get him to agree again and then, on Christmas Day, the day of handover and travel, he called and said 'you'll never guess what? M has tested positive for covid'. I travelled alone and he never produced the pcr test I needed to claim on my insurance.

And he's witholding joint money while I struggle to pay bills. He has $170k left from the sale of our London house. His same lawyer wrote to me in 2022 asking which bank account I wanted my half paid into. I still haven't received it. I earn 1/4 of what he earns and he lives in a house his mum bought him with his gf who is presumably contributing.

Like I said, the family court (and general system) sucks.

Sorry to take over your thread OP.

@Witchesandwizards , I think that’s something people don’t realise. If a family moves somewhere, the courts may look at intent on moving and say habitual residence changed the moment they left their old country. There is no minimum period.

All these people saying to ‘give it a go’ don’t realise that if the OP changes her mind and her husband doesn’t, she’s stuck (well, I suppose she isn’t if she’s prepared to see her child for a couple of weeks a year at vast expense but you know what I mean).

@CandidHedgehog yep- that's what I was trying to say too-this 'give it a go' mentality is nuts - no one thinks their marriage will go wrong or their partner/H will turn into a vindictive see you next Tuesday -but they frequently do . As I said it's a very different thing 'giving it a go' in maybe another European country- although can still be a total pain if it goes wrong - and you can still have issues- but it's more likely a partner will at some point cooperate 'if' you need/want to go home if home is an easyJet flight rather than several thousands a time.

I agree with this. I’m astounded anyone could read what @Witchesandwizards has been through and say ‘fuck it - go for it hun, yolo, lol’ or words to that effect…

@SwingTheMonkey I think it's ignorance to be honest- many people don't understand the rules around The Hague convention and it works both ways around- it's not a 'one way thing ' to stop your kids being snatched away and being taken elsewhere without a parents permission- they mentally work on it that if it doesn't work out you would be in agreement and both go back - sadly this sometimes isn't the situation-especially when a split is involved. I would only move somewhere I would be 100% happy to stay if it went wrong and have the relevant independent of H visas and income etc to be able to work and reside until children were 18

@Witchesandwizards that sounds truly terrible Witches, so sorry for your situation. Men can be such abusive controlling arseholes. ☹️

Yawn ......

A handmaiden, oh stop it. 😂😂😂Even my cat is laughing at that. 😹

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5240549-partner-is-hesitant-about-marriage?page=9&reply=140978203

Same advice given to Australian woman thinking of moving to UK as I said I would.